DD & Canadian online friend | Arthritis Information

 

Our DD 19, has finally confided that she has met a man, 28, from Canada and wants to go live with him. They have been talking on line for a year and a half. We are freaked out and have asked her to not run off with someone who, we think, is a virtual stranger. I asked her to invite him here, but he makes excuses about getting time off from work. So members from Canada, how simple is it for a girl from America to find work in your country, to move there with no plans? I'd appreciate some input from my virtual friends here.

I really have no idea...but I found this

Thanks Kelly, DH and I are at our wits end. She thinks she can know this guy, just by talking to him for 18 months, which of course, just shows how naive she is. I think our next step will be to offer to pay for half his ticket here. He's being real hesitant to reassure us that he's what he says he is, a really shy 28 year old guy.hmm.. Hi Nini, This may sound overly cautious but before I put out money for an airline ticket I'd have him investigated by a private investigator.  The least amount of work on their part will at give you a paper trail on this individual.  You have your daughter's best interest at heart and having him investigated is in her best interest.  I don't think you can be too cautious.  LindyComing from a father I would want to meet this guy first.
Not only would I want to meet him, I would want to get to know him a little.

For me it is very important to know that my daughter is in safe secure and protective hands..
If he has not got the balls to meet her family (you), then he has not got the balls to look after my daughter.
For me that is the end of the story.
I think the most important thing you must keep is an open line of communication, and let your daughter know you want to support her happiness, and that you will always listen to her point of view.  It is so easy as parents to begin warning and lecturing and freaking out, and our kids pick up on that and stop sharing the truth with us.  I try very hard to leave my "freaking out" on the inside and just listen to what my kids have to say. I agree with hillhoney.  Going with her to Canada is the only way to check him out if he won't come and see you.  I don't know how much control one can have with a 19-year-old anyway.  My son met and fell in love with a woman online.  They've been "together" for three years, taking turns to fly back and forth to visit.  She is nineteen years older than he is!  He's 25, by the way.  It's his life and we never interfered, and accept her and have had her to visit.  But boys are different and I feel your concern is justified."No, you can't go" is not the answer.  I agree with Hillhoney on this and Bodak was right on too.  Hoping for a safe resolution~~~
On second thought, an investigator is a good idea too.
I wanted to clarify that you shouldn't investigate until you had tried most of the other ways of getting her to remain in the states and/or convincing him to visit.  I certainly didn't mean for you to start an investigation without trying everything.  Just be aware that she may not ask permission to go and just up and leave.  Anything is possible in these situations.  I hope that she listens to reason and he can visit you.  LindyThanks to everyone who wrote. Lindy I wouldn't even know how to find a PI in Canada, so I think we're going to offer helping with the plane fare first, if he is the great guy she thinks he is, it seems to us that he would want to calm our fears. Hopefully, I won't be asking the Canadian members for PI recommendations next. I think she knew we would be really upset and has promised that she won't just leave. Stephen, my DH is furious the guy won't come here, he would agree with you.

BTW-I'm not Nini, I hope those of you who have been wondering where she went aren't thinking she's back. We both joined here about the same time, but I think she decided to leave.
DeidreThere are various ways you can get background checks on people on the Internet. Most of them charge a fee, but if this was my daughter, I'd be paying the fee! Maybe see if there is one recommended by someone like Clark Howard or some national organization rather than just picking one at random. If you know anyone in law enforcement, they might be able to run a check on the guy. I'd be bouncing off the wall if this were my daughter! Thankfully all my kids are married and settled in![QUOTE=maryhatz]There are various ways you can get background checks on people on the Internet. Most of them charge a fee, but if this was my daughter, I'd be paying the fee! Maybe see if there is one recommended by someone like Clark Howard or some national organization rather than just picking one at random. If you know anyone in law enforcement, they might be able to run a check on the guy. I'd be bouncing off the wall if this were my daughter! Thankfully all my kids are married and settled in![/QUOTE] I have met 3 people off the internet before and all of them were exactly who they said they were. The most recent one I travelled all the way across the country (From British Columbia to Quebec) to see, after talking to him for about a year. I did not go alone however, I went with my step sister as we also had family in Quebec, so I met him at the same time, and we met out in a public area, not somewhere where we'd be alone.

I met him on Playstation Home, over the Playstation 3 Network. It started out as chatting, then it led to voice chatting, then it led to video/voice so we could actually see each other to start providing proof as to who we were. We did not race to meet each other, we took a long time talking and learning about each other, I even did a little research of my own on him and everything he told me I found to be true. He my age (22), and is now my best friend and he will be coming over on this side to visit me in the summer for his turn. Not everyone on the internet is a pedophile. He never laid a finger on me, he was a complete gentlemen, and none of it was fake.

I would definitely however, NOT go to live with someone, even him, on a first meet, it is MUCH safer to meet the person first, and maybe a few more times after that, perhaps taking turns visiting each other? If your daughter really likes this guy she needs to understand the precautions, and if he likes her too he should be fine with taking things very slowly. It is weird how he won't come there though, does he get really stubborn about it? That would alarm me a little. Maybe you can all go with her to meet him?
[QUOTE=Hunniebun] It is weird how he won't come there though, does he get really stubborn about it? That would alarm me a little. Maybe you can all go with her to meet him?
[/QUOTE]And that is what sets my alarm bells ringing.
I might have missed it but has the parents even laid eyes on a picture of him.
[QUOTE=Bodak] [QUOTE=Hunniebun] It is weird how he won't come there though, does he get really stubborn about it? That would alarm me a little. Maybe you can all go with her to meet him?
[/QUOTE]And that is what sets my alarm bells ringing.
I might have missed it but has the parents even laid eyes on a picture of him.
[/QUOTE] No we haven't seen any pictures of him, I did ask, but will ask again. Hunniebun we also know people who have met and married people from online relationships. What bothers me is the age difference, 28 to 19, and his refusal to come here to meet her first. I offered to pay half his ticket and am waiting to see where that goes. I really appreciate all the input and being able to talk about this with someone other than my very angry husband. We live in a small, rural community and don't know anyone who has dealt with something like this before. I just wish DD was more worldly and had more experience with guys.Hi and WOW, I just read this! I'd be so scared if this were happening to my family. So, I wanted to say, I've used an investigotor before and it's very easy to do. You DON'T need to hire one from Cananda you can hire one in your hometown; they can get the info from Canada.

I'm curious as to how the offer of you paying for 1/2 the ticket went?

I see many red flags here.
1. The guy saying he's shy and therefore doesn't want to meet?
2. Then it's work.
3. He wants your daughter to move to Canada, what about him moving here?
4. They met online. Not that there aren't many people who don't (I met my husband online) BUT we were looking for someone, and someone in the area. If you are serious about finding a love interest then you look in your area. Why/how did this guy find your daughter and when he did find out she was so far away, why wasn't that the end of it? Maybe his intentions aren't good?

How far are you from where he is? Maybe you could say, lets get in the car and go and meet him? Maybe a telephone call between his parents and you? I think it's reasonable when a young woman is going to cross into another country.

Like other posters have said. This guy could be anyone. Could be some freak, could be just a regular guy who happened to fall in love, across many miles and borders of states and countries to someone 10 years younger than him who is innocent and isn't very experienced (as you said) with men. To me she sounds like the perfect prey for some creep.

I'd be beside myself with worry and I know you are doing all you can. You don't want to make her mad at you and risk losing contact with her. Does she have the means to up and leave? Is she residing with you or out on her own or at school? Does she love what she does? I'm trying to think of a way to get her interested in something else, very quickly, so she would think more about leaving. If she doesn't like the area; is there a relative you could send her to live with? Maybe she's looking for a change of scenery and this guy is the excuse?

Well, I'm just so disturbed by this. I'm worried for you and her.

CheeseI think if this man had any repsect for your daughter and her family he would want to meet you. I have a daughter of 21 and as much as I trust her and her judgement on most things I would be terrified to let her meet this man unaided . We know a lot of people who have met on the internet and are genuine, but i have also heard of horror stories . I have a son of 18 and if he told me he would like to move a girl he knew over here but wasnt prepared to go and meet her family first,  I would drag him there. It is all about respecting your daughter Deidre. Shy or not shy.Wow! I am counting my lucky stars that I have boys right now and that the oldest is only 13! Oh Deidre, I would be beside myself with worry as well. I would tell your daughter that she can go meet him, but that you have to be with her and that a return ticket will be intact. I would also hire a PI just to be on the safe side for both of you. I know money has to be an option (it always is) but I think I would try my best to do both. Red flags definitely are there, you are not just over-protective. The last thing you want to do is make her upset and practically push her into his waiting arms, though. Scary situation for you on all accounts. My heart goes out to you. Please let us know what you do! Happy thoughts for you in the mean time! I keep coming back to this thread because out of all the current front page I find this the most worrisome.
I can very easily place my self in this situation because I have two daughters that fell pregnant to men that I had never met.
One, I met after the birth of my second grandson.

In both cases my daughters have gone it alone and all I can do is support them as best I can.
It hurts to even mention this in public..............

The dynamics of my family is screwed, some of which I am responsable for and it hurts.
Try and keep the door of communication open.
Your daughter may need you and you will have to swallow a lot of pride and deal with what is, not what could have been.
I mention this for your husband sake, I know what he is going thru.
Aww Stephen, you've got to forgive yourself. Hardly any of us have done it "right". It speaks volumes that you are still involved in your daughters' lives. Many many fathers are not, choosing instead to walk away from the mess. Unfortunately, my own father falls into this category. He has not even laid eyes on 6 of my 7 children. Sad for him.

Diedre, I have no advice, just sympathy. I have only one adult child so I am just begining to experience that brand of helplessness. I hope for a good and speedy resolution to this situation.
LeilaBeing a parent is the hardest thing anyone can ever do (besides being a child).  You want so much for your children and you want to make sure they are safe and that their life is everything you dreamed for them.  Problem is, we forget that part of growing up is the need to separate from  parents and figure out their own dreams.  We  do the best we can given our own circumstances, and most importantly, we let them know we love them unconditionally and will always be there if they need you.  I am sure you have done that Stephen.  But your daughters needed to create their own path, and be responsible for their own destiny.  Thanks again to everyone who has offered support, my post slipped back to the second page and I figured it was done. We have gotten a friend involved who does investigations for a local attorney, he has access to government databases and says if there's something to find he will find it. DD gave me the guys email address and we are trying to figure out what to say to him. She says he understands our concerns about him being a stranger. She has said she will not leave with us upset, he's 2,000+ miles away, so right now we're waiting for the PI report. Thanks again for your suggestions, support and well wishes. We're taking it one day at a time.
DeidreI'm coming in late but I understand your worries and pray all will be well & safe. Parenting is the hardest job we'll ever have. Prayers for all of us to do the best that we can do and for not beating ourselves up for things we cannot control. Diedre, I'm so thankful that your getting some reports on this man.  They probably will turn out fine but it's best to be sure.  Please keep us posted.  Lindy
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