Home Community Chat Transcripts-10/23/00

Parenting with Arthritis Open Forum

InsightHostKJ> I guess we can start our Topic Chat....tonight's chat is an Open Forum on Parenting and Arthritis

InsightHostKJ> how many parents in here?

gypsyrose> me - 2 boys

KatWoman> i am

parker> Me no kids

swimmer> 2 boys

KatWoman> 1 boy

Tra> no yet

parker> I have myself does that count

Harriette> I am

oops> I am not a mama

IndyRon> me

KatWoman> lol

InsightHostKJ> Does arthritis effect your parenting abilities?

KatWoman> yes

gypsyrose> yes - I don't have near the energy I used to have

wil> one boy and 2 daughters

swimmer> yes, but not always in a negative way

KatWoman> i am usually to tired to spend alot of time with my son

wil> I can not take up my gandson ! ! ! My wrists hurt and he is only 1 yair !

swimmer> pretty soon he can climb up on you

gypsyrose> hi, cb

InsightHostKJ> Swimmer..you have little ones, what are some creative ways you deal with the problems arthritis throws at you as a mom?

ndyRon> I learned that swimmer when I had the back surgeriues...They can climb up....and they think it is fun being a "helper"

swimmer> the stroller doubles as a walker

swimmer> if I can't carry them up the steps, or down I go on my but

gypsyrose> mine are too big for strollers - one will be 17 next week, the other 12 in Dec

swimmer> great for helping you out

InsightHostKJ> brb..gotta be a mom

swimmer> somehow my kids have learned to hold their bodies a certain way

swimmer> makes it easier for me to pick them up under their arms

Ann> my kids are older too, 14 and 16, but I get tired of asking them for help when I'm in bad shape. I feel 100 yrs old and fear they'll resent it.

Tra> how old are you kids, Swimmer?

gypsyrose> mine can pick me up

swimmer> I don't know how, but noticied this when I went to pick up friends child

swimmer> 4 1/2 and almost 2

IndyRon> The do adapt quickly swimmer...

Tra> I sa w their pictures...they're too cute!

IndyRon> The oldest of mine would help the twins get up in my lap

swimmer> my two year old tries to pull me up out of a chair

Ann> how sweet

IndyRon> lol....i bet the words are go mommy

Tra> I can't wait to have kids...would like to get RA under control first and, of course, get married

swimmer> oh yes LOL

swimmer> how old are you Tra?

Tra> 26

InsightHostKJ> OK Back! Sorry was christmas shopping the gimpmommy way! Been watching a barbie set all day...just got it! woo hoo

swimmer> good idea KJ...I attempted the Mall of AMerica today

InsightHostKJ> ebay for me swimmer! no malls!

swimmer> sure saves on the ankles

IndyRon> lol, I think you are addicted to ebay

swimmer> there were some interesting questions posted today on parenting

InsightHostKJ> lol...favorite way to shop ron! just got the 8 barbie wiz of oz set! all she wanted for xmas

InsightHostKJ> yeah there were swimmer...some of them are pretty tough

IndyRon> kewl...guess I should start doing that more

InsightHostKJ> I think one of the toughest things to deal with as a parent is the guilt

gypsyrose> very true

IndyRon> I have to agree there KJ

swimmer> I answered that one

gypsyrose> not enough of you to go around

InsightHostKJ> i know it isnt my fault...but i am not a "normal" mommy

swimmer> I don't feel much guilt

InsightHostKJ> I do sue, can't help it

swimmer> ok...whats wrong with me?

gypsyrose> don't worry you will

InsightHostKJ> LMAO Sue...you are well adjusted. we're neurotic

IndyRon> lol, nothing swimmer. You just have a better handle on things than some of us..

Chinesebarbie I tell my 3-1/2 year old that I don't have ten arms and legs...that takes some of the guilt away for me. She grins when I say that.

swimmer> well...it made me wonder if I should start feeling guilty

InsightHostKJ> Maybe Sue, because you've always had it...my kids remember me before RA, at least my daughter does

gypsyrose> time enough for that later, swim

Melanie> If you have a child with special needs, should they feel guilty? It defeats the purpose. It is entirely human though to feel that way.

gypsyrose> mine, too, KJ

InsightHostKJ> your kids dont know any different...

gypsyrose> especially if you're a mom

Tra> I'm sure guilt is a big deal...had my 7-year old goddaughter Sat nite, took her out to dinner and a haunted house and I couldn't pick her up (she was scared to death) I felt so bad.

InsightHostKJ> true melanie

IndyRon> All of mine do, was hard for them to understand how I could do something and then I couldn't...Like maybe I just didn't want to play with them any more

InsightHostKJ> but Tra, you could still hug her close

Melanie> I grew up in a household with a mentally retarded sister, that's where I was coming from.

gypsyrose> I know my kids understand, but I'm the one with the problem

Tra> i did

InsightHostKJ> LOL Gypsy...me too

Tra> Did any of you girls go into "remission" when you were pregnant?

swimmer> sometimes I think guilt comes more from parents knowing what they want to do but can't, but the kids are fine with things just the way they are?

gypsyrose> I didn't get RA until last year, Tra

Melanie> That's what I would think, swimmer.

swimmer> I did TRa....twice

InsightHostKJ> probably very true swimmer

Tra> my RD said i would probably feel better if I got pregnant

swimmer> my kids are perfectly content to stay inside and do something...not even knowing I was considering taking them to the park until I didn't feel good

Melanie> The older your kids get, the more they are going to resent you. But they are going to do that anyway - teens!

InsightHostKJ> Tra...i wasn't diagnosed before the kids were bron..but looking back I had my first flare after daughter was born then went into remission when i was pregnant with my son

InsightHostKJ> LOL Melanie..very true....arthritis or not they won't like us as teens

Chinesebarbie What do you mean by that, Melanie?

gypsyrose> my oldest hasn't been too resentful (yet)

swimmer> but, I don't feel guilty because I can't them to the park

Tra> I might start MTX next month, so no babies for me for a while!

Melanie> Just that, Chinesebarbie. Kids resent you as the "authority" in their lives, when they start to separate from you when they hit teens and mature.

InsightHostKJ> i'm feeling guilty because thursday is trick or treat here and also my treatment day...no way i can go with them

Tra> aaaawwwwww

swimmer> I am the one who stays at home to hand out the candy

Tra> do they understand, KJ?

Melanie> KJ, try a dress rehearsal the night before or make goodies the day before. Something to connect for the holiday.

gypsyrose> my younger one wants to pass out the candy now

InsightHostKJ> can't even do that swimmer <pout> i'll be in bed

swimmer> ok...how about eating the candy?

Chinesebarbie Yeah, Mel, so when the kiddos get older and they get mad at me, it's not because I'm a bad mom, right?

InsightHostKJ> Tra...they do...but my 11 year old hormone queen gets an attitude about it

InsightHostKJ> Good idea melanie

Tra> that's so funny

Melanie> Right, Chinesebarbie. Its natural. Some kids are more forceful at it than others though. lol

gypsyrose> did you ever fight with your mom, Chinesebarbie?

InsightHostKJ> lol swimmer..maybe i can do that

Tra> I'm sure I was like that at 11; my dad still calls me "witch"!

swimmer> so....as a mom of a 4 and 2 year old...what can I do now to prevent them from resenting me when I am older?

gypsyrose> nothing

Tra> spoil them!!

Melanie> Just love 'em.

InsightHostKJ> LMAO Tra....I know,. I was too..my mom says this is payback!

swimmer> do that already Tra and Melanie

Tra> then you're good to go

Melanie> They will circle round, swimmer, and admire you for the strong person they are when they are sure of themselves again.

Chinesebarbie Gypsyrose, oh yes, I fought with mom...more like disagreed with her.

gypsyrose> I did, too

InsightHostKJ> I think we do raise more compassionate children

gypsyrose> I'm the youngest of 5, so I think she was too tired to fight overmuch with me

Melanie> I agree, KJ.

swimmer> I agree also KJ

Tra> I would imagine so

gypsyrose> we try, KJ

Melanie> My mother lived with my son and I through her final illness. He is a very gentle, compassionate young man.

InsightHostKJ> my son is the one that slugs the kids that tease the disabled kids on the playground

swimmer> almost cried....the other day my 4 year old told his friend "we have to help my mom out today

Chinesebarbie I agree. My daughter is more mindful of being a helping hand.

Melanie> Good for him, KJ! lol

Tra> that's how I think my parents are with my little brother, to tired to argure with him, so he gets everything he wants, he's the baby.

wil> My kids are 28,31 and 33 yrs, and married, and the older they are how more helpful they becomeIf I have a problem, I call them and half an hour later they are at home to help us

InsightHostKJ> aww swimmer

Tra> that's nice Wil

Melanie> But swimmer, your house may become the "cool" house to be at because of your son's attitude.

InsightHostKJ> thats great wil!

swimmer> hope that attitude lasts

Melanie> I think that's great too, wil. Hope mine turns out that way as well.

gypsyrose> that's another problem - my parents are not in good health, and I live closest. I'm not able to help out as much as I used to.

swimmer> both ends

Melanie> Sandwich generation, gypsy. Doesn't last long, but its intense.

swimmer> kids to take care of and parents

gypsyrose> VERY much so right now

Tra> how cute is this: my 73-year-old grandmom called me today to ask how I was feeling

Melanie> Pretty neat, Tra.

gypsyrose> today is my parents' 56th wedding anniversary

InsightHostKJ> LOL Tra...mine does that too she says "I can never complain when I look at you and see hoe you trudge along no matter how bad it hurts"

Tra> It's just kinda weird that she's checking up on me

gypsyrose> nearly lost my dad 6 yrs ago to massive stroke and he was in rehab on their 50th

Melanie> You are fortunate to still have them, gypsy.

InsightHostKJ> i do feel guilty when my grandma offers to do things for me! i should be taking care of her. not visa versa

gypsyrose> then my mom fell & broke both shoulders & spent a month in rehab

swimmer> is she healthy KJ?

Tra> that's horrible, gypsy. Is she okay now?

gypsyrose> neither one can drive any more

InsightHostKJ> pretty much swimmer

gypsyrose> yes - she's ok, but it's very hard to navigate them around

Melanie> My mother said when all the generations lived in one household, it was better. Families worked together to make sure everyone was taken care of.

swimmer> let her help

gypsyrose> my oldest drives now, so he helps take them places

InsightHostKJ> i do ..but i feel bad about it

swimmer> it may make her feel better or worthwhile also

Melanie> You know, allowing someone to help you is allowing them to give you a gift.

swimmer> I can justify just about anything LOL

gypsyrose> but it's hard when you're the one used to doing for everyone else, Melanie

InsightHostKJ> thats probably true melanie, we kind of have that here....3 generations living with 1/2 mile of each other

swimmer> I wish I had that here

Melanie> Take advantage of it then. Grandma might need something from you too. A laugh or a joke, who knows?

InsightHostKJ> it works out well swimmer

InsightHostKJ> true melanie

swimmer> does your grandma want to move to MN KJ?

InsightHostKJ> LOL swimmer...i'll ask!

Melanie> I've got no parents or grandparents left now. I think they are blessings in your life. Enjoy it while it lasts.

InsightHostKJ> shes 90 lbs of pure energy...she amazes me

Tra> I agree Mel, definitely enjoy them, time flies

Melanie> She sounds pretty special, KJ.

InsightHostKJ> that she is melanie

InsightHostKJ> so who worries that their kids will get ra?

swimmer> I do

Tra> me

Marsha> me

Melanie> I don't.

BeDipped> I don't even have any yet, and I worry about that!

Marsha> I'm wondering if my daughter already has fibro

wil> Me also

InsightHostKJ> me too

swimmer> I was up half the night when my 4 year old complained his knee hurt

lindalee me

Tra> me too BeDipped

InsightHostKJ> you dont melanie?

Melanie> It doesn't seem to run in the family. I'm kind of odd man out.

InsightHostKJ> ah okay mel

swimmer> same here Melanie

Tra> supposedly no one in my family has it either

Chinesebarbie I've never thought about if my child will get RA.

BeDipped> then you have my family...every generation

swimmer> yet there are so many people on the site with relatives that have RA

Melanie> And I'm old!! Seems like a reaction to life stressors instead of genetic thing, at least to me.

Marsha> We have lots of autoimmune stuff in my family...cousin had ms, aunt ra, mom thyroid + aplastic anemia...ewww

lindalee> i heard its predisposted, i know my kids worry about it.

InsightHostKJ> my mom had old pictures out the other day...spotted two great great's with RA hands...looks like it skips a generation for us, so maybe my kids will be okay after all

Melanie> But there isn't anything you can do to avoid it, is there?

BeDipped> here's hoping KJ

swimmer> remember what the geneticist said though?

swimmer> no greater chance for kids to have it?

InsightHostKJ> nope...not really melanie

Marsha> I think just be watchful, Mel

Chinesebarbie Hmmm, my grandmother had big misshapened toe joints and nodules....maybe there is RA in my family....

swimmer> if I remember right KJ?

InsightHostKJ> i think so swimmer

swimmer> the guest host you had in one night?

Melanie> I just don't want my son to start out in life worrying a great deal about it.

lindalee my son cracked his neck like i used crack my knuckles, is it a sign, you think?

InsightHostKJ> will have to go back to the AWS transcript and see what he said

swimmer> so...why don't I believe him?

Melanie> Fear

InsightHostKJ> cracking doesnt mean anything linda

Marsha> because you're a mom, Sue...

Tra> cause he doesn't know for sure, Swimm

Melanie> We don't ever want our children to go through painful episodes that we do.

lindalee thanks, thats good to hear, im trying to read and write......tough to do.. sorry

InsightHostKJ> what benefits are there to being a parent with arthritis?

lindalee did anyone here test their kids, just cause?

swimmer> life moves at a slower pace and I just don't mean walking speed

Chinesebarbie Amen, swimmer!

InsightHostKJ> linda...kids bloodwork is usually negative even when they have jra...so that wouldnt do any good

Melanie> Opportunity to discuss deeper things, not just surface stuff.

Marsha> that's for sure, Sue...and I think we're more compassionate about their aches and pains, too

Melanie> True, Marsha.

lindalee i know i value life precious moments much more than i used to

Melanie> Kind of take time to savor them.

Tra> I would guess that you enjoy the good times so much more, because you never know when you're going to have a bad day or week

InsightHostKJ> so arthritis aint all bad?

Tra> it sucks!

Marsha> ummmm.....

Chinesebarbie I am much more choosier about what I do. And enjoy them more.

swimmer> you focus on your kids, not your arthritis

Chinesebarbie Nope, ain't all that bad.

InsightHostKJ> LOL Tra

Melanie> Nah, arthritis stinks. But parenting is pretty wonderful however you have the chance.

InsightHostKJ> great way to put it mel!