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Harry Nine Toes

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It is OK to get angry.

At 53 I move like a man much older. I am ravaged buy psoriatic arthritis and the effects of medications I take to help control P.A.

When I compare myself with other men my age I am reminded just how much of my life has been impacted in some way by P.A. and I get mad as hell.

I get mad at God for letting this happen to me, I get mad at other people who do not have to endure what I have to everyday.

I get mad at the people around me, who, as they help me remind me of the losses both physical and emotional I have suffered and continue to suffer almost every day.

I get mad at myself for not being strong enough or lucky enough to live beyond this disease that has destroyed so much of my life.

I get mad. I get mad. The key here is "I get," for "I get" says much for two words. It says what I respond to and that is "mad." A feeling that our western minds have trouble handling. A feeling that does not get much play in conversation because it is always seem as negative. It is something we should not be, we should not act apron, Being mad is a bad thing. Or is it?

In this pressure cooker of a life we live, getting mad is much like the relief valve on a pressure cooker, It goes off, spinning in a plume of hot steam, we reduce the heat the valve closes and we continue cooking. Key here is Keep on.

Getting mad is not the problem, most of us are very well grounded when it comes to reasons for getting mad. It is what we do with our anger that counts. Do we blow off the excess stem and keep cooking or do we allow the pressure to ruin the evening meal?

We have all heard the saying "Don't get mad, get even" and that is exactly what we have to, get back to being even.

We are given emotions to help us live out the hard times and enjoy the good times. So perhaps if we modify somewhat the way we respond to anger we can use it to our best advantage.

I can't give you a cookbook list of "what to do's" when it comes to manage anger. I think most of us are wise enough to make our own list of healthy coping skills. After all arthritics and very good at coping. We have had to be.

Update 4/20/04

PA or psoriatic arthritis, can be one of the least affecting or one of the meanest. I got the second curtain. I was diagnosed at age 18 months and I am now 54.

The arthritic component did not appear until I was 25 at which time I was put on low dose Prednisone where I remain still today.

I know all the stories about Prednisone, most of them bad, but at the time my sed rate was through the roof. My rheumatoligist was very conservative and we went through all other meds that were available then, nothing was working.

I remember the day he wrote the first Rx for prednisone, he was angry and seemed apologetic as he wrote. I think he did the only thing that was open for him to do and in all fairness I had about 20 good years before the effects started to appear.

The last 5 years have been a steady downward spiral, as my body paid the price for taking a steroid. I have lost count of the hospitalizations, the trips to the ER via ambulance. The nondescript infections that resulted in a colostomy and weeks of dealing with a tracheotomy.

Thrown in there was several operations and a partial amputation of my right foot. I was getting to be on a first name basis with the staff.

All through this nightmare my wife, Marie, was at my side every step of the long and lonely way. Marie is a RN and an excellent diagnostician. I have her to thank for being here today She picked up a symptom that the ER staff missed. She insisted on seeing the ENT on call, who when he got down to see me sped me to the OR for emergency surgery. I was bleeding from somewhere in the back of my throat, he had to do an emergency tracheotomy on the way to the OR. He saved my life with God's help that is. Later during my hospital stay he came to my room and apologized for having to do the tracheotomy without anesthetic. He said I was so far gone that I would not have survived the procedure with an anesthetic. It was that close and he and I knew it.

Why the long history? Certainly we all have equal horror stories we could share and maybe that is the purpose.

We,the gimpy ones, have a responsibility to share our story. It is through this sharing that we validate each other. It is through sharing that we let other's know that they are not alone in this journey.

We can assemble a grand mosaic for all to see and come to understand what we face everyday. Do not underestimate just how important you can be to another.

For out of the darkness we become the flare rising high into that lonely sky. A signal that whoever sees it will know that they are not alone.   

Harry Nine Toes