Arthritis Insight-Member Stories-JenJen

JenJen

My name is Jennifer, but the friends I have left call me "JenJen." (It's no fun to be around someone in constant pain.)

I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in 2001, but I had it for two years before I went to a rheumatologist, who finally believed me. My GP, or family doctor, said I should exercise more, lose weight, and that the pain I was experiencing was all in my head. I believed him until the pain began to rouse me from a sound sleep, and I would awaken in such pain that I would sit up in bed, begin to rock, and cry. That is when I went to a rheumatologist.

I had heard that fibromyalgia can be caused by physical trauma, but I didn't have anything like that to blame it on. I had moved from the deep South to Pennsylvania, and that was trauma enough! I was a practicing criminal defense attorney in Mississippi, where I was licensed. I had not taken the bar in Pennsylvania, so I could only work as a paralegal, which I found to be degrading and humiliating. I was hired as a paralegal for a female attorney who already had one paralegal assistant. I shared an office with her other paralegal and was never really sure of what the attorney wanted from me, as I had a "foot in both worlds," meaning: I did legal research and other tasks which an associate attorney would perform, but I was also expected to maintain all of the files and do paralegal work as well. Therefore, I really performed the tasks associated with two jobs. The stress was unbearable, which caused my fibromyalgia to be in constant flare-up. In 18 months, I had lost 40 days of work. My attitude was horrible, and consequently the firm fired me. Now I am not only still in pain, but am facing the stressful task of finding a job in a depressed market. Nobody wants to hire me because of my law degree, and I cannot work as an attorney in Pennsylvania until such time as I take and pass the PA bar, which I hope to do in February, 2004.

I have been prescribed Oxycontin (40 mg. twice daily), Effexor XR (which causes me to sweat), 1500 mg. of Neurontin, and Lorcet 10 for break-through pain. I am not really sure why the Oxycontin cannot be increased to three times daily, which I feel would eliminate the need for break-through pain medication; however, the pronouncement from the Mount is to increase the Neurontin rather than increase the pain medication. I am not sure if the rheumatologist doesn't believe me, or if there is some sound medical reason for not increasing the pain meds, but something has to give. My next visit is in August (assuming I can hold out that long) and I intend to let the doctor have it with "both barrels."

So, now I am in constant pain, am irritable, cranky, miserable to be around (I would have fired me as well), facing my 50th birthday in November, and collecting unemployment for 26 weeks. I am afraid I won't find employment in that time frame so I am still stressed. I am beginning to experience severe depression, albeit with good cause. I want to move back "home" where I have a bona fide license to work in my chosen profession, but I cannot because my DH (darling husband, who is, indeed, darling) wants to remain in Pennsylvania where his step-mother resides so he can look after her. Although I admire him for that sentiment, I find myself resenting the fact that I have to take another bar exam instead of being able to go home. My wish was to find someone who could relate to my agony, and then I found Arthritis Insight (which isn't just for Arthritis sufferers!) I look forward to receiving the Newsletter, and I am beginning to find that there are other people "out there" who understand what it's like to live like this. Maybe in the near future I will find that I don't have to live like this. That is my next wish.

Jen