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Sex, Intimacy & Arthritis
Arthritis & the 'Alternative' Relationship
Arthritis & the 'Alternative'
Relationship
With Rheumatoid Arthritis, there's
been nothing so helpful for me as having a strong support system.
My own support system is a little unusual. Like many people with
arthritis, I have friends or family to help me get through the hard
times. My own system is a little different in that it combines both.
I've got an "extended family," if you will, of people who have
come into my life as dear friends, but also as partners, as lovers, as
mates.
Casey and I met about six years ago, for the first time, and were
acquaintances and then friends for a long time. As we began to fall in
love, we both realized that neither of us especially wanted nor required
exclusivity. So five years of "relationship" and lots of
honesty and hard work later, we have a very strong and committed
relationship, we live together as life partners, and we have never been
exclusive. (We've also never been promiscuous, and don't intend to be.)
I knew I wanted a solid relationship with Casey, so we sought resources.
Through friends who knew about it, I discovered the concept of polyamory
(more info at www.polyamory.org)
and dug up information. We got on a local poly email list, and we
learned about all the different ways people either define or practice
polyamory. There's more arguing about the differences there than there
are in arthritis communities about magnets and emu oil! And most
importantly, we talked to each other about what would work for us, our
limits, and how we would handle conflicts.
About eighteen months ago, I met Joe, who worked in the building next
door to the one in which I worked. I recognized Joe's name before that
from a couple of local mailing lists, but didn't know him at all. We
started visiting a little, hanging out at lunch breaks, and forming a
friendship that was clearly solid and increasingly deep. Eventually, the
chemistry developed to the point that we moved from friendship to a more
romantic relationship, which has been delightful and solid since the
autumn of 2000. One of the reasons it was so easy to get more romantic
with Joe, to trust and count on him, is that Joe's got a reputation
among local poly people for integrity. I've never been happier.
Most aspects of my relationship structure that help me deal with
arthritis would be the same with two good friends as they are with two
lovers. I've got two different people to listen to me reflectively and
help me figure things out. I've got two people paying attention to me
after I take my methotrexate to help me judge when I become safe to
drive again. Both of them know me well enough to know when I'm resisting
asking for help, even when I really need it.
But sometimes, it can get funny. When my thumbs are flaring up, I can't
button or unbutton pants or do metal snaps. One day, I came out of the
bathroom realizing that I couldn't do the top button of my shorts. Joe,
who was visiting, was in the living room waiting for me, while Casey,
with whom I live, was in the kitchen getting a snack. As I walked out of
the bathroom, I said, "Honey, can you help with my shorts?"
Each of them said "sure" simultaneously, and began to walk
towards me. We all started giggling. I don't remember which one
eventually helped me, but I probably gave the other a turn another time
It's hard to be involved with someone with chronic illness or pain.
Casey's very giving, but he needs a lot of privacy, and he likes to take
off with friends for a day or so at a time. I know Joe can usually be
there to help me if I need it, and Casey's unavailable. Each of them is
a wonderful shoulder on which to cuddle when things pile up and feel
difficult.
One aspect of polyamory is being careful about sharing germs, and one
way to do that is to have fairly non-standard sex. In any case, I like
creative and varied lovemaking without depending on intercourse or any
particular activity to be "complete." As I write this, I am in
the middle of a flare that hasn't spared many joints, but in spite of
chronic pain, methotrexate, and thyroid disease, my libido has been
flaring for five years. To manage that, while avoiding sharing too many
germs, we've had to keep an open mind about what constitutes good sex. A
side benefit has been that when my body hurts too much or won't move
properly for standard sex, we can call upon our established habit of
creativity in our lovemaking. We've developed a tendency to think in
terms of alternatives, of options, of variety. When my shoulders won't
let me lie on my side, something else will do. When my hands are aching,
there are options.
I know both Casey and Joe are committed to me. Casey's been with me
through thick and thin, through almost two years of waiting for
diagnosis, through the emergency room and health insurance problems and
stopping to cry halfway up the stairs to our apartment before I could go
on. Joe's known me only with sore knees, though he was around for the
diagnosis. Neither of these splendid men is going to leave me for
someone else - why would they? We've worked on jealousy issues and
handle them well. They both know that other people are an option for
them (and are both involved with others, as well), so there's no
"grass is greener" issue. And I'm certain that neither is
going to assume that monogamy is the answer for him, and run off with a
soulmate.
I do try to parcel out my mental and physical energy to be fair to both
of them. If I take a whole Saturday to hang out with Joe, and Casey
wants to spend some "date time" with me on Sunday, I need to
make sure I don't exhaust myself hanging out with Joe. If I have a date
with Joe at 11 on a Saturday morning, I need not to stay up until
midnight on Friday watching movies with Casey.
Sometimes, Casey and Joe help me get through the pain just by being
there. I need not to settle into depression or wallow in the pain, or I
won't have the energy to help maintain my relationships. A good
monogamous relationship takes a lot of work. It's no less true for
polyamorous relationships. Honesty, openness, integrity, and
communication are vital. To be aware and energetic enough to do my share
requires that I take care of my own mental and physical health. And it's
worth it all the way. What I've got is too good to waste.
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