Rated PG Jokes

Jokes Added 5/23/00

Subject: T-Shirt Slogans

"Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam" - seen on Cape Cod
"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - (seen on an 8 year old)
"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
"Procrastinate Now"
"Rehab Is for Quitters"
"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
"Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)
"Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since
15"
"FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."
"I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN"
"A hangover is the wrath of grapes"
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance"
"STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP... Park elsewhere!"
"DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music"
"They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken"
"He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"
"Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog"
"POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on."
"FOR SALE-Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."
"A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS But it uses up a thousand times the
memory."
"The Meek shall inherit the earth....after we're through with it."
"HAM AND EGGS: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a
pig."
"WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."
"The trouble with life is there's no background music."
"IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?"
"Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"
"The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."
"MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT"
"Quoting one is plagiarism, Quoting many is research."
"My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't."
Submitted by: Diane2

THE NEXT TIME YOU THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY:

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and facemask. A post-mortem revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and then flown to the forest fire and emptied. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing the breaststroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed....This article was taken from the California Examiner, March 20, 1998

STILL THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY?

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handle bars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him and the shattered patio door. The wife ran to the phone and summoned the ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital, the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline and threw the towels in the toilet. The man was treated and released to come home. Upon arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs, and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance. The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on to the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm......taken from a Florida Newspaper.


Having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse.....

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm
in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
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Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
And finally.......
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter
bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
Submitted by: Eyelene

There have been arguments about the race and nationality of Jesus since the Bible was translated. This was sent to me by a friend. It does make one think!!!

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:

1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was bilingual.
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.

But then there were equally good arguments that.......

JESUS WAS BLACK

1. He called everybody "brother".
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were equally good arguments that.......

JESUS WAS JEWISH

1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure
he was God.

But then there were equally good arguments that.......

JESUS WAS ITALIAN

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were equally good arguments that.......

JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were equally good arguments that.......

JESUS WAS IRISH

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But perhaps the most compelling evidence..........

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN .....

1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who ... JUST DIDN'T GET IT.
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do!
Submitted by: Eyelene Politically Correct Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid

A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a happy meal.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
Slipped into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
All foam, no beer.
The butter has slipped off his pancake.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Not wired to code.
Skylight leaks a little.
Her slinky's kinked.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on.
During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Is so dense, light bends around her.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
Standing close to her, you can hear the ocean.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
She stayed on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long.
Submitted by: Susan

"DOCTOR, ARE YOU IN YET?"

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached. It'll just be one night of
fun."
The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes.
Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.
Afterward, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?"
"Yes, how did you know?"
"I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started."
"Oh, that makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anesthesiologist, aren't you?"
"Yeah," says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?"
"Because I didn't feel a thing."
Submitted by: Susan

Jokes Added 3/16/00

Did you hear about the flasher who wanted to retire?
He decided to stick it out for another year.
~ Submitted by grannyjan Little Michael asked his mother for a bicycle, she said Michael it is not Christmas nor is it your birthday. I cannot buy you a bicycle. Maybe if you say a prayer you could get a bicycle. Michael prayed to Baby Jesus asking for a bike. Hours of different prayers and making promises still no bike. Michael glanced up at the statue of Mother Mary he reaches the status wraps it in a blanket tucks it under his bed and begins another prayer "Dear baby Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again......... ~Submitted by Kathy To Technical Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker night 10.3, Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me, please? Otherwise, I'm at a loss. Thanks Dear Sir: This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony /Child Support." I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command c:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Best of luck, Tech Support
~Submitted by kaekae

A first grade teacher explained to her class that she is a liberal Democrat. She asked her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands exploded into the air like fleshly fireworks. There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asked her why she decided to be different.

"Because I'm not a liberal Democrat," she answered. "Then," asked the teacher, "what are you?" "Why I'm a proud conservative Republican," boasted the little girl. The teacher was a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asked Lucy why she is a conservative Republican. "Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too." The teacher was now angry. "That's no reason," she said loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your Dad was a moron. What would you be then?" Lucy paused and smiled. "Then," she replied, "I'd be a liberal Democrat." ~ Submitted by Heather Jokes Added 9/29/00

English is a tough language...

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.

At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle.

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer...and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said,

"Mon cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"
Submitted by - Ron

Subject: For all you Californians

Do you know how many Californians it takes to screw in a light bulb?
A: Californians don't screw in light bulbs they screw in hot tubs.

You know when you're in California when...

1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.

5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

9. You can't remember.....is pot illegal?

10. A really great parking space can move you to tears.

11. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

12. Gas cost 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.

14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.

15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into BDSM and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

17. You can't remember...is pot illegal?

18. It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 2000."

19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.

20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.

21. It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

22. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????

23. You AND your dog have therapists.

Proofreader needed...

A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that they were copying copies, not the original books. The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He pointed out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk said, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." The head monk went down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went downstairs to look for him. He heard a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and found the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying. He asked what was wrong.

"The word is 'celebrate,' not 'celibate'!" sobbed the head monk. Submitted by - Ron

Jokes Added 9/1/00

CARDS YOU'LL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:.............
What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!.............
Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful you............
have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.........
After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...........
I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am.......
that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.......
Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!..........
I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go,.........
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married............
but not to you."

"You look great for your age.......
Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.........
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.......
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time...........
What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you..................
It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...............
Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.......
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday---------
So we're having you put to sleep."

Subject: Remodeling Decision

A man had a terrible accident. His "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. The doctor reassured him that modern medicine made it possible for his "manhood" to be rebuilt but insurance didn't cover the expense. It was considered cosmetic.

He had three choices - small for $3,500; medium for $6,500 and large for $14,000.

The man was sure he'd want a medium or large. The doctor suggested that he discuss it with his wife privately before a final decision was made.

The doctor left the room and while he was gone the man called his wife and told her their options.

The doctor returned and found the man looking very sad. "Did you make a decision?" the doctor asked.

"Yes," said the man. "My wife would rather remodel the kitchen!"

Jokes Added 8/11/00

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so they tried "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

No go, so they changed it to "Catatonics and High Colonics."

Thumbs down again, so they tried "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives."

Still not good, so they tried "Minds and Behinds."

Unacceptable again, so they tried "Lost Souls and Assholes."

Still no go.

Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts", "Queers and Rears", "Nuts and Butts", "Freaks and Cheeks" or "Loons and Moons" work either, so they finally settled on "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones Odds and Ends." Submitted by ~ Blondie

PG Joke Archives Jokes Added 7/14/00

Subject: 30 Years Makes a Difference

1970: Long Hair
2000: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1970: Keg
2000: EKG

1970: Acid Rock
2000: Acid Reflux

1970: Moving to California because it's cool
2000: Moving to California because it's warm

1970: Growing pot
2000: Growing pot belly

1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

1970: Seeds and stems
2000: Roughage

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints
2000: Popping joints

1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel
2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity

1970: Paar
2000: AARP

1970: Killer weed
2000: Weed killer

1970: Hoping for a BMW
2000: Hoping for a BM

1970: The Grateful Dead
2000: Dr. Kevorkian

1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint
2000: Getting a new hip joint

1970: Rolling Stones
2000: Kidney stones

1970: Being called into the principal's office
2000: Calling the principal's office

1970: Screw the system!
2000: Upgrade the system

1970: Peace sign
2000: Mercedes logo

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1970: Take acid
2000: Take antacid

1970: Passing the driver's test
2000: Passing the vision test

1970: "Whatever"
2000: "Depends"

What DO they want?

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:

"All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Joke Added 6/15/00

The Lightbulb

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! That is, if someone hadn't already BROKEN THEIR NECK tripping over it. AND UNDERNEATH IT would be the CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! Because NO ONE in this house EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! Why, it's a WONDER we haven't all SUFFOCATED from the PILES OF GARBAGE that are 12 FEET DEEP throughout the ENTIRE HOUSE.

I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

Jokes Added 6/1/00 CITY SLICKERS

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am."
After a short while he asked her what she was.
She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
~submitted by Kimmy who got it from Chuck who got it from?..
Jokes Added 5/19/00

Ages and Stages At age 4, success is not peeing your pants
At age 16, success is "gettin' a little"
At age 25, success is graduation and a wedding
At age 35, success is about career and family
At age 55, success is about graduations and weddings
At age 65, success is "gettin' a little"
At age 90, success is not peeing your pants!~submitted by: Porter

Jokes Added 5/4/00

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE ESTROGEN ISSUES.

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1-800-***-."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting-practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.~submitted by BlondieDOCTOR?S AFFAIR

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the
back. I'll take care of the child's expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

Jokes Added 4/20/00Computer Viruses

Please check your computer for the following viruses:

LEWINSKY VIRUS - sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS - quits after one byte

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS - your 300mb hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100mb and then slowly expands to 200mb.

DR. JACK KEVORKAIN VIRUS - deletes all old files.

TITANIC VIRUS - your whole computer goes down.

DISNEY VIRUS - everything in your computer goes goofy

PROZAC VIRUS - screws up your ram, but your processor doesn't care.

JOEY BUTTAFUCCO VIRUS - only attacks minor files

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS - terminates some files, leaves, but it'll be back.

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS - turns your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy.

VIAGRA VIRUS - turns your 3.5 inch floppy into a hard drive.

~submitted by Cindy

Jokes Added 4/13/00 You Are Not Old

Red Buttons, appearing on Dennis Miller's Show, announced he was 80 years old but that 80 is not "old." Red explained:

"Old" is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"Old" is when the porn you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis."

"Old" is when your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.

"Old" is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.

"Old" is when you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

"Old" is when you enjoyed the Big Band Era: Sioux, Iroquois, Apache, Crow....

"Old" is when your wife says "let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!" Submitted by: Blondie

The First MammogramMany women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to
worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and
doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test
and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your own home.

EXERCISE 1.Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and
the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE 2.Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

EXERCISE 3.

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the frozen bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

You are now properly prepared.

Just a thought for all the women out there:
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
And when we're really having trouble, it's HYSterectomy. Submitted by: Dian

Jokes Added 3/30/00 T Shirts

This was in the "Bob Levey's Washington" column in the Washington Post.
Every year he compiles and prints the "Best T-shirts of the Summer":

1. (?around a picture of dandelions?) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won
2. So many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
3. I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
4. God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends
5. If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going
6. At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All... I Just Can't
Remember It All
7. My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
8. I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
9. (?worn by a pregnant woman?) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah
10. If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?
Submitted by: Blondie

Old and New Concerns for People of the Baby Boom Generation

Then: Long hair.
Now: Longing for hair.

Then: Keg
Now: EKG.

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's hot.

Then: You're growing pot.
Now: Your growing pot.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

Then: Paar.
Now: AARP.

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine.

Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed killer.

Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.

Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.
Submitted by: GinaRoot

Jokes Added 3/24/00 Southern Medical Terms

Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight.
Artery......................... The study of paintings.
Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section............... A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan........................ Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................... A sheep dog.
Coma........................... A punctuation mark.
D&C............................ Where Washington is.
Dilate......................... To live long.
Enema.......................... Not a friend.
Fester......................... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................... A small lie.
Genital........................ Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series.................... World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail....................... What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................... Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................... A higher offer.
Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................... I knew it.
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................... A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative................. A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.................. Place to do upholstery.
Rectum......................... Damn near killed him.
Secretion...................... Hiding something.
Seizure........................ Roman emperor.
Tablet......................... A small table.
Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.......................... One plus one more.
Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out.
Varicose....................... Near by/close by
Submitted by: LkGoddess aka Amy A Groaner

Why do men sleep on their sides?
Because they have kickstands.
Submitted by: swimmer aka Sue

For Bill's birthday, he decides to have a fancy costume party. He sends out all the invitations and invites his best friend Simon.

When the day arrives, Simon turns up on Bill's door step in his costume. Upon answering the door, Bill is horrified to see his friend dressed in his normal clothes with a naked woman on his back. Bill is speechless as Simon walks around the room chatting to the other guests. Eventually Bill confronts Simon and says, "What on earth have you come as?"

"A snail," Simon replies.

"Why do you have a naked woman on your back?" asks Bill.

Simon answers, "This is Michelle!" Submitted by: TinaFairy GodmotherAn old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when ,all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. "Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich." POOF her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess. POOF! She turns into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them."Ooh can you change him into a handsome prince and make him my husband?" she asks. POOF! There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone she could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered." Submitted by: TinaHappy ButtThis lovely little girl was entering class for the first time. A friendly little boy said his name was "David, what is yours?" "Happy Butt" she says. "Don't lie to me, that isn't your name! What is your name?" "Happy Butt"
she says again. "I'm going to tell the teacher on you for lying!" he
shouts. He gets the teacher and says she is lying to him about her name. "What is your name?" asks the teacher. "Happy Butt" says the little girl. "No, no," says the teacher. "What is your real name?" "Happy Butt" replies the little girl."Shame on you for lying." says the teacher. "You go straight to the principal's office right this minute!" "Why are you here?" asks the principal of the little girl. "They think I'm lying when I tell them my name is Happy Butt." said the little girl. "Your name can't be Happy Butt" says the principal. "I'm going to call your mother right this minute and straighten this out. You mustn't lie to us
about your name." The principal calls the mother and says, "We have your little girl here and she keeps telling us her name is 'Happy Butt.'" "Oh, that must be Gladys," says the mother. "Well, little girl, your mother says your name is Gladys," says the principal. The little girl replies, "Happy Butt, Glad ass, what's the difference?"
Submitted by: Tina