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Jokes Added 08/16/01 1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. That's where the phrase, "goodnight, sleep tight" came from. 2. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the alphabet (developed by Western Union to test telex/telecommunications). 3. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building. 4. The term "the whole 9 yards" came from World War II fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target,it got" the whole 9 yards." 5. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than yourthumb. 6. The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General purpose" vehicle, GP. 7. The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver." 8. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as "honeymoon." 9. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's." 10. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle," is the phrase inspired by this practice. And last but not least. 11. In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King and the King gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. The placard had F.*.*.K. (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it Now you know where that came from !!!!! THE BOOB POEM For years and years they told me, Be careful of your breasts. Don't ever squeeze or bruise them. And give them monthly tests. So I heeded all their warnings, After 30 years of astute care, "Stand up here real close" she said, She stepped upon a pedal, My skin was stretched and mangled, Excruciating pain I felt, "Take a deep breath" she said to me, "There, that's good," I heard her say, It squeezed me from both up and down. Next time that they make me do this, If I had no problem when I came in, This machine was created by a man, Jokes Added 5/23/01
Finally, something other than smiley faces....:o)
(o)(o) Perfect breasts
( + )( + ) Fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) Perky breasts
(@)(@) Big nipple breasts
oo A cups
{ O }{ O } D cups
(oYo) Wonder bra breasts
( ^ )( ^ ) Cold breasts
(o)(O) Lopsided breasts
(Q)(O) Pierced Breast
>(p)(p) Hanging Tassels breasts
\ o /\ o/ Grandma's Breasts
( - )( - ) Against The Shower Door Breasts
| o | | o | Android Breasts
($)($) Martha Stewart's Breasts
When woman was created, she had 3 breasts...He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"...She replied,"Yes, could you get rid of this middle breast?"...And so it was done, and it was good.
Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding the third breast in her hand,
"What can be done with this useless boob?"
And man was created. Submitted by - Ron
The Top 15 Bush/Cheney Campaign Slogans
15. George W. Bush: Now With Adult Supervision
14. What the Hell Kind of Name is "Tipper" Anyway?
13. Bush/Cheney: We're the Ones Who Love Jesus!
12. Set the Wayback Machine for 1992, Mr. Peabody!
11. Because Ideas Are For Sissies
10. Like Your Bush Young?
9. Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You; Ask "Who's Your Daddy?"
8. The Party of Lincoln -- and Ford, GM, Exxon/Mobil, Shell, Texaco...
7. Drop The Gorelupa!
6. So Compassionate, We'll Cry If We Don't Win
5. Because Blue Skies Are Overrated
4. Bush/Cheney: Just an Irregular Heartbeat Away from Bush/Powell
3. Elect Us and Help Put Limbaugh Out of a Job
2. Dumb? Hey, You Didn't See *Us* Running Off to Viet Nam!
and the Number 1 Bush/Cheney Campaign Slogan...
1. At Least *We* Got Invited to College Parties, Tree-Boy!
The Top 15 Gore/Lieberman Campaign Slogans
15. All The Prosperity With Less Than Half the Annoying Scandals
14. We'll Take the Extraneous "c" Out of "Connecticut" For You!
13. The Only Thing We Have to Fear Are Anti-Semites and Termites
12. We Don't Circumcise the Issues
11. We May Be Borin', But We Won't Be Whorin'!
10. Tipper, a Jew and Al Gore, Too!
9. We Don't Believe in Negative Campaigning... Unlike Some Rich Fat-Cat Smirking Cokehead Daddy's Boys Who Like Executing Minorities
8. Too Mind-Numbingly Dull to Cheat
7. Hey, Midwest: Sure, He's Jewish, But He'sBlond!
6. Don't Make Al Cry -- He'll Rust
5. They May Be Corporate Lackeys, But At Least They Feel Guilty About It
4. Burning Bush in 2000!
3. Did We Mention the Hot Daughters Yet?
2. Go Ahead, Quiz Us on World Leaders!
and the Number 1 Gore/Lieberman Campaign Slogan...
1. Detonating a Bridge to The Clinton Administration Jokes Added 9/1/00
Warnings issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to all visiting Yankees:
1) Don't order steak at Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day, so let them cook something they know.
2) Don't laugh at southern people's names. (Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Mari Beth, Inez, Billy Bob, etc.) These people have been known to beat a man's ass for less, especially if you get a little alcohol in them.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. This can lead to a beating. Down south it's called Coke. It don't make a damn whether its Pepsi, 7-Up or whatever else, it's a Coke.
4) Don't show allegiance to any college football team that isn't in the SEC. And to you who don't know, of course that would be Tennessee, Alabama, Georgia, Auburn, Vanderbilt, Arkansas, Kentucky, LSU, Florida, Ole Miss, Mississippi State, and South Carolina. All the others are just a bunch of pansies that play teams like Wyoming.
5) Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, and Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. We have plenty of business sense (e.g. Red Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI Worldcom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do sometimes have a small lapse in judgment (e.g. Clinton, Fordice, and Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb because we will kick your ass.
6) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here.
7) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended and don't put sugar on your grits.
8) Don't fake a southern accent. This will incite a riot.
9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. If you don't like it here, take your ass home. We don't want to hear about your cheesesteaks, your subs or your pizza. Ours is just fine, thanks.
10) We don't play lacrosse, hockey, or any of those other sissy northern games, so don't come down here asking the score because we don't give a damn.
11) We know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we want to, and because we can. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other southerners understand what we are saying and that's all that matters. Now, go home.
12) Don't you ever make fun of a person for saying y'all. It is a perfectly legitimate form of southern speech. We do not say you guys. We are not from New Jersey.
13) Last but not least. DO NOT come down here trying to tell us how to Bar-B-Q. This will get your ass shot. You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our Bar-B-Q and go home in a pine box.
Joke Added 5/19/00
SUBJECT: DRIVERS Jokes Added 7/14/00
There were three old ladies sitting on a park bench talking amongst
themselves when a flasher came by. The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Well, the first old lady had a stroke.
Then, the second old lady had a stroke.
The third old lady had arthritis and couldn't reach that
far... Dennis Rodman finds a
bottle on the beach. He picks it up and suddenly a female genie appears.
"Master, I may grant you one wish," says the genie. The next morning,
Dennis wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His
penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance. ~submitted by:
Dorothy Jokes Added 5/4/00 THE WEDDING NIGHT AT THE STORE: A woman went into a
department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a toaster for
refund because it didn't work. The clerk told her that he couldn't give her
a refund because she bought it on special sale of non-returnable
merchandise. All of a sudden, the woman threw her arms up and yelled,
"Suck my nipples! Grab my breasts!" The clerk didn't know
*what* to do, so he called the store manager. The manager ran over and asked
her if he could help her. She explained that she wanted to return the
nonworking toaster for refund. The manager slowly shook his head, and told
her that he would not give her a refund because she bought the toaster on
special sale. Once again she yelled at
the top of her lungs, "Suck my nipples! Grab my breasts!" The manager was shaken by
her outburst, and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase. She looked him square in
the eye and replied, "Because I like my nipples sucked and breasts
grabbed while I'm getting screwed!" Jokes Added 4/20/00 A woman recently lost her husband. She had
him cremated and brought his Jokes Added 4/13/00
Four guys are telling
stories in a bar. One guy leaves to use the restroom. Three guys are left. First guys says, "I
was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing
cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a
salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact,
he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his
birthday." Second guy says, "I
was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a
Realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman,
and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact HE'S so successful
that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday." Third guy says,
"Yeah, I hear you. MY son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage
firm. Well, HE got a break, they made HIM a broker, and now he owns the
brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend $1
million in stock for his birthday." The fourth guy comes back
from the restroom. The first three explain that they are telling stories
about their kids so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my
son IS a major disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL
a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact I just found out that he's gay and has
SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to look at the bright side: his boyfriends
just gave him a new Mercedes, a new house, and $1 million in stock for his
birthday." Submitted by Porter
Jokes Added 3/30/00
Nude Beach
A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As
Golf Pain
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Flowers A man stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for his wife. As the clerk was putting on the finishing touches on bouquet, another man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses. "I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." Tennis Elbow One day, Todd complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't bother. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker & cheaper than a doctor.
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