Judas
Asparagus A child was asked to write a book report
on the entire Bible. This is amazing and brought tears of
laughter to my eyes. I wonder how often we take for granted
that children understand what we
are teaching???
Through
the eyes of a child: In the
beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but
God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy
God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God
said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.. He split the
Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve e were naked,
but they
weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been
invented
yet.
Adam and Eve
disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of
Eden. Adam and Eve
had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long
as he was
Abel.
Pretty soon
all of the early people died
off, except
for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the
next important people was Noah, who was a good guy,
but one of his
kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a
large boat and
put his family and some animals on it. He asked
some other
people to join him, but they said they would have to take a
rain check. After Noah
came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more
famous than
his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his
birthmark in
exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son
named Joseph
who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another
important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton
Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from
the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on
Pharaoh's
people .. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice,
bowels, and no
cable.
God fed the
Israel Lights every day
with
manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie,
cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your
neighbor's
stuff.
Oh, yeah, I
just thought of one more: One of Moses'
best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to
use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and
the fence fell
over on the town.
After Joshua
came David . He got to be king by killing a Giant with a
slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had
about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise,
but that doesn't
sound very wise to me. After Solomon
there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was
swallowed by a big whale and then
barfed up on
the shore. There were also some minor league
prophets, but
I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old
Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the
star of The
New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.
(I wish I had
been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying
to me, 'Close
the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would
be nice to
say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His
life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like The Pharisees
and the Democrats.
Jesus also had
twelve opossums. Jesus was a
great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to
some Germans on the Mount.
But the
Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot
didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus
died for our sins, then came back to life again.
He went up to
Heaven but will be back at the end of the
Aluminum. His
return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
The
Children's Bible in a Nutshell
Then God made
the world.
Not sure what
they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.
Humor thy
father and thy mother.
The worst one
was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they
named a
terrible vegetable after him.
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