OT-JOKES PLEASE | Arthritis Information

 

Hi, does anyone have any jokes to cheer us up? What happened to those old ones we use to have and kept adding to????

Jokes please!, Lynda

 

Oh Lynda, I wish I could do jokes, but I don't know any.  Hubby knows a bunch of dirty ones. 

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep,"the wife replied, "in-laws." Little Johnny's parents tried everything to get him to study his math and improve his scores at the public school. Parent teacher conferences, tutors, after school programs, nothing worked.

The parents, not being catholic, but worn down with the public school system, decided to enroll Johnny in the local catholic school.

After the first day at school Johnny came home, went to his room and immediately started on his homework. When called to dinner, he reluctantly came, ate and immediately returned to his room to finish his homework.

Day after day this behavior continued, and day after day Johnny was bring home 'A' papers.

When questioned at dinner what brought on the change; "Was it the Nuns?" No replied Johnny. "Was it his new friends" No, replied Johnny. "Was it the new school" No, replied Johnny.

Finally, tiring of the nightly one word answers, the parents ask Johnny, "Son, why do you think you're doing so well in Math now?"

And Johnny says, "Well, the first day I walked in and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business." Love the country road one Kelly! Sooooo appropo!  LOL Brisen39333.9004398148Oh Thanks! Jasmine, I'm chuckling along......Lynda

 

Thanks Jaz!  The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.

The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He too, never returned.

The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, "The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water". My husband went to visit some friends in an old folks home today and the fellow (89) wasn't feeling so good. His 'new girlfriend (87) called to thank me for some books my husband took to them. I said I heard that Bill wasn't feeling so good. She said, "I know I kicked him", (jst kidding of course). She said she'd have to stop doing that....she's been the light of his life since his wife died 2 years ago. Real life can be a hoot. Lynda * you start explaining the condensation of water vapour every time your soda can has water drops and people think water is coming out of the can.

One more, in honor of our Wal-Mart friends:

The Top 15 Names for Wal-Mart Wine




Box O' Grapes

Chateau du Crack Chardonnay

White Trashfindel

Big Red Gulp

Grape Expectations

Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"

Sam's Dog 20/20

Chef Boyardeaux

Trucker's Choice

Blue Light Special Nun

Chateau des Moines

Mogen Darryl

I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

World Championship Wriesling

and the Number 1 Name for Wal-Mart Wine...


Nasti Spumanti
Jaz...you're a HOOT!

Not a joke just something I saw on one of those fridge magnets:

 

Real women dont have hot flushes they have power surges....

 

Hubby and son agree!The dumb blonde decided she wanted to try a milk bath and left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons the next day, when he saw the note he thought she meant 2.5 gal and just forgot the decimal point. So the next day she waited for him to come back and said "I want 25 gallons so I can have a milk bath" He asked, "Do you want it pasturized?" She said, "No, just enough to cover my breasts, if I want it on my eyes I can just slash it on."

A good friend told us that one at breakfast this morning.I don't remember where I saved this from but I love it!!  :)



I recently picked a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"  Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!" Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said.
He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you even give a sh*t?"

 

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