I know lately that Moana and some others on the board have been having issues with family members who have anxiety so I have posted below my story about my journey with panic disorder. Included in that account are three techniques marked in red which I used to control and manage this and they worked very successfully.
I thought I would put it up as a post so that anyone could access the information if it was useful to them.
I decided to put in the full story not just the techniques as I do show how I applied them myself at a practical level so I thought that may be helpful for people to see that.
Hope it helps in some way.
Managing
panic/anxiety
My process is probably quite sophisticated but considering
who I am, that is not surprising, lol. And I suppose it evolved over a period
of time as I became more aware of this disorder and what happens to me within
it.
But first, let’s go back…as I think you may find the past
interesting as it is, of course, part of now. And let’s bring in the RA too
because the two are intricately entwined.
My old GP who found the RA told me that my panic disorder
etc had been triggered initially by the inflammation mucking up my brain
chemicals. I believe he is right.
I also believe I had Juvenile RA and it was never diagnosed.
That means from early on I had more inflammation in my body than normal. This
manifested in hospital stays at 4, 6 and 8 where my neck fell on my shoulder
and I was in pain, no cause was found or disease diagnosed but hey, it was as
early as 1972 and how much did they really know about Jv RA back then.
Basically though, it was kept at bay until 13 with lots of ballet I did on a
regular basis.
My first memories or anxiety or panic were under 4. The
chaos of the household with my anxious, fearful grandmother, my dying
grandfather and my mother being their carer, this was definitely
environmentally based. More memories of panic throughout my childhood but from
4 to 12, it was minimal. I felt safe. I was loved. My childhood world was safe
and secure.
Then I remember at puberty 11, 12, 13, 14 the panic being
around again. Again change was a trigger…puberty, high school. I remember Mum
and Dad always trying to push me in these moments to be more social. This did
not help but they had no idea what it was or what to do back then.
And at this time I gave up ballet as I was attending a high
school which required me to travel and I couldn’t make my classes in time. The
RA also entered a degenerative phase as my body changed and the exercise
stopped.
My whole teenage world was panic-stricken. During this time,
I did not do any of my extraverted activities I had in childhood – theatre,
singing, dancing, socialising. Three different high schools didn’t help either.
Nor did the spinal operation at sixteen where I was told I would be paraplegic,
again I believe that was RA connected. Then I dropped out of school, couldn’t
get a job, their was much family pressure, Dad had had cancer and was retiring
and his own depression and anxiety was triggered bigtime. The family moved a
long way from my childhood home. All connections lost. All threw this the
anxiety/panic/depression continued and I didn’t know what it was, didn’t know
what to do with it. I just lived with feeling scared all the time and
depressed. Any new situation increased the panic. I never felt safe or that I
belonged anywhere.
Again in my twenties, I believe the RA degenerated again…and
the panic increased because by now it had become normal.
Then again another phase about thirty when the final and
worst phase of RA degenerating began until I ended up being diagnosed two years
ago. By now the panic is my normal functioning mode, I know there is something
wrong but I don’t know what. Neve’s birth I believe triggered off the worst of
the RA and panic until diagnosis. Her birth was so traumatic. More trauma and
stress from the marriage deteriorating.
So there started to believe I had Post natal depression, of
course. This is when my past GP started watching me weekly and I was getting
worse and worse in all ways. He tried 5 anti depressants, none of them worked
and I was getting worse. Then he came up with the high inflammation rates were
uncovered and I started the journey of a few months towards diagnosis. Of
course, most people without panic disorder would panic when things happen to
their body like they can’t hold a knife and fork, they get in the car to drive
at night and can’t see a thing, they wake up and can’t move, they can’t speak
properly, they can’t hold anything, they literally feel like they are going to
die but me with still undiagnosed panic disorder…well, it was a nightmare.
Then, Scott my doc, tried another anti depressant called
Paxtine. He had to try another, I was a mess. Now with the Paxtine script for
some reason, the chemist printed out for me a couple of sheets for me on this
drug. Well, that was the breakthrough because Paxtine was particularly designed
for panic disorder and this information told me all about it. I was so excited
to know what this ‘thing’ was. I also got excited because the medication
actually worked. I responded to it. I went back to Scott and said, “This is
what I have!” He agreed that I was spot on and it made perfect sense. At that
point, my life began to change and has changed so much in the last few years
that I am now where I am now which is a damn good place in general.
I suppose once the medication started to help, I started to
be able to think clearly again and could see how I could control it more.
Before the Paxtine, I was simply lost in the fog and couldn’t even see ways
through. And although this was an extremely stressful time environmentally, I
was starting to see my way through.
Now up until now for quite a while I would wake up each
morning with a panic attack and that deep breathe suck in people do when they
wake from a nightmare. That was normal every morning for so long. Panic ruled
my every waking moment, I hid it well to a lot of people but it was there
always.
With the help of the tablets, I started to take control of
small moments, one at a time. My laundry was downstairs at the time and I was
too scared to go down there. Not rational no, but very real to someone with
this disorder.
In taking control of these small moments, I used three basic
techniques. One was I emersed myself in Buddhist philosophy and meditation
practice. Breathe meditation and mantras became regular parts of my life. The
other thing was cognitive based therapy techniques which I had previously
learnt. Something like this is all you need:
Sit up straight and
breathe slowly and deeply, allowing your belly to swell with each inhalation.
Smile as you breathe. Think or softly say the words following to yourself in
time with your slow, deep breaths.
1) Breathing in, I calm body and mind.
2) Breathing out, I smile.
3) Breathing in, I notice this moment.
4) Breathing out, I enjoy this moment.
Repeat the four
steps for a minute or so. Acknowledge any "pop-up thoughts," then
gracefully let them go.
So with the washing moment, I used breathing to go
downstairs and put one load of wash on. I also used cognitive therapy and
changed my self talk. My voice was saying, I can’t do this. This is scary. Instead
I would say, you can do this, there is no danger, it will be okay. This was
just panic and not real, not the truth. The truth was I was completely safe
putting washing on.
The same for the morning wake up air gulp, breathing and
reminding myself that I was really safe and in my room and this was just a
panic attack and I could breathe through it.
One of the most challenging ones was waking up with the air
gulp thing and not getting a handle on it and then I would panic about the next
thing which was getting Neve to daycare. My brain would say, you can’t do it.
You will never be ready in time. She will be late. Again I had to slow myself
down, breath and remind myself that I was perfectly capable of getting my child
to daycare on time.
Another technique I used a lot back then was slowing myself
down. Panic disorder shoots your adrenalin up and makes you want to go fast but
if you choose to do the opposite, go slow, it counters it. Slow breathing, slow
moving, slow thinking.
I would merely concentrate on the next indicated thing…make a cuppa,
have a smoke, make her lunch, give her breakfast, dress her, pack her bag. I
broke it down into small pieces all the time, everything I did, talking to
myself as I went, focusing only on the next thing. I did this for months with
everything until I gained control. This process is cognitive therapy, you can
literally talk yourself through anything if you decide to and for someone with
PD or anxiety this keeps them in the moment, only managing what can fit in that
second, minute. Their self talk is usually telling them they can’t cope and/or
manage and it is rushing ahead to prepare them for all the things they won’t be
able to cope with in the next hour. No wonder they feel overwhelmed.
And then after about a year all those small moments of
management became big ones and I was no longer panicking. Non panic was now my
natural state, calm and peace and relaxed were now what I lived with it.
But this is an insidious disorder. It hides, it sneaks, it
camouflages itself in little parts of your life. So you may feel fine but there
is one tiny part of you that the PD is controlling, that is what you have to
what because it spreads and you aren’t aware of it as panic. It may mask itself
in worry, or insomnia or fear and many others so you cannot recognise it
because it really does seem like the presenting problem is the issue.
Underneath however, the panic is taking control small cell by small cell and
you think it is something else until you hit a wall with a full blown panic
attack and wonder how the hell that happened. Lol.
This is why having people around you who love you and who
understand what it is and can call you on it in a direct but loving way is so
important.
All I can feel is this yucky feeling in my chest, that is
it’s current disguise, so as the person experiencing it, you cannot see.
I am getting better at recognising when it is happening, but
sometimes I just cannot see it as someone outside me can. I need their loving
directness to pull me into immediacy and unmask it. I hope this makes sense.
Awareness is the key to solving the issue. Once you are
aware of what is happening to you, you have some hope of being able to manage
it, until then you are awash on a murky sea in the midst of a storm.
Thank you, Cordy, for these tecniques, expressed so well!
When I was younger, I had panic attacks regularly. I was afraid to let anyone know, as I considered myself the "strong one" who had to make sure everyone else got through whatever was happening at the moment.
Your explanation of these coping exercises is excellent. I wish I had known you and read this in the years that were so difficult, because of panic disorder. Of course, this was quite a long time ago, when the term "panic disorder" was not part of the language. At least, it wasn't well known. Doctors just threw valium at us and pronounced it to be "nerves". Thankfully, we've come a long way in understanding this particular disorder.
Thanks again, for taking the time to write this out for us.
Hugs, Nini
Thanks for sharing Cordelia,
I have struggled with anxiety, caused both by my son's illness and my own. To cope, I have used techniques similar to what you described. Every day in the early evening I light a candle, put on some soft music, do about 30 mins of yoga and end with a short period of meditation. It really does help. Your description of the breathing technique reminded my of a poem by Thick Nhat Hanh.
Breathing
Breathing in, I see myself as a flower.
I am the freshness
Of a dewdrop.
Breathing out,
My eyes have become flowers.
Please look at me.
I am looking
With the eyes of love.
Breathing in,
I am a mountain,
Imperturbable
Still,
Alive,
Vigorous.
Breathing out,
I feel solid.
The waves of emotion
Can never carry me away.
Breathing in,
I am still water.
I reflect the sky
Faithfully.
Look, I have a full moon
Within my heart,
The refreshing moon of the bokhisattva.
Breathing out,
I offer the perfect reflection
Of my mirror mind.
Breathing in,
I have become space
Without boundaries.
I have no plans left.
I have no luggage.
Breathing out,
I am the moon,
That is sailing through the sky of utmost emptiness.
I am freedom.
Thich Nhat Hanh is just fabulous. He is a consummate teacher of meditation and simplicity.
What an inspiration you are Cordy
I suffer from the anxiety and depression also. The breathing is the only thing that has really helped. Ilike you, I believe I have had this since I was nine, and was just diagnosed last year.
Thanks cordelia,
Our daughter is suffering anxiety I believe because of her illness (and not knowing what it is!). She has started to panic at school when she feels sick and this of course makes her much worse.
We are trying these techniques - the slow deep breaths - positive thoughts and now, thinking about one thing at a time.
Interesting to see that this appears to be quite common among people with chronic illness. My daughter and I are learning as we go and it does make us both feel better to know others have similar experiences and ways of getting through it.
I suppose its good to know anxiety is a 'normal' part of illness.
Thanx
It's interesting to see how young some of us were when we started having attacks.... 9, 11, and 7 I've seen so far. I wonder why????? Doesn't that seem young to anyone else???Very young and so cruel!!!
From what I can gather no one knows much about it at all - even the experts don't know why....
hopefully one day they will know why and prevent other people from suffering.
I never knew how much doctors didn't know until we started this roller coaster!
Mystery, I do believe that RA and panic/anxiety are very closely connected as is depression also.Funny you mention this - maddis started to get bad when we moved to a tiny flat at our new business - we only stayed there for 6 weeks - and she started school at the same time!
I know for sure, stress at times definitely does bring on her 'bouts' and can make a bout much worse than it already is.
interesting...
I don't know, Katie, I think many things contribute to it. All the change you had could have triggered it in you especially since their is a family history, you had the trigger already in you.Cordy, your post means so much to me. I need to ingrain this into my head. I've had bouts of depression over the years, swallowed a bottle of asperin at 14 (didn't even make me sick~someone was watching over me) but the last 7 years the anxiety along with major depression has at times brought me to my knees. Thank you for expressing this in a way that sounds so simple, something I can easily incorporate into my daily life. Thank you for being here.
Alan, the poem is lovely. I'm going to memorize it. Thank you always, for the beautiful poems you share with us.
Thanks, Miles, I am glad it was helpful to you, love. This is such a difficult secondary thing we deal with...RA and then anxiety/depression. It makes the road a tough one.