Stress...And Then Pain... | Arthritis Information

 

I am not unskilled at keeping stress to a minimum in my life these days after a few years RA. I have seen how quickly stress turns in pain with RA. How intrinsically connected stress and RA pain are.

I noticed particularly that emotional stress is the worst, it can trigger whole big flares in my experience. Stuff like conflict in a marriage, elderly parents panicking around you, conflict with children going through a 'phase', dealing with ex partners, a job move, moving house.

These above are the stuff of agony for an RAer.

We can't live without stress altogether because that is not really how life is but we can control our response to it when it happens. That bit is what I am skilled at...the controlling my response to the situation, in fact, I have done years of spiritual and meditation practice and much learning to achieve this.

And then my ex husband walks in the door.... I can handle him in regards to me, he is incredibly toxic but I am now good at standing up for myself and I am fairly good at regaining my peace after an encounter but there is another part of this that completely does me in.

This man does not want to be a father, he has serious problems and fathering is way too much responsibility and requires you to be consistent, reliable and such like. But he won't bow out of Neve's life either so what happens is he disappears for several months, no calls, no visits. I settle her into a great routine, she is calm and stable and then suddenly he will get a whim that he is going to do this fathering stuff. Neve is five and he has done this six times in the last 20 months, so the girl is a tad confused by now. She of course, wants him to be her Daddy the way a Daddy should be but his reappearance also upsets her.

Last Sunday he turned up, Neve was so upset by the visit she went into her room and hacked her hair. She is a Preppie (kindergarten), this week her behaviour was so bad at school she got a detention. It's pretty difficult to get a detention when you're a Preppie, almost impossible. Nah, my daughter did. This is all Dad, bless him, who will now go off and disappear again. And to top this weekend off, I have had the weekend from hell with her. Saturday was an awake nightmare. She is kicking and hitting me when she doesn't get what she wants or like what I say. This is a tad stressful...since every goddamn muscle and joint in my body hurts. And she's strong, tall and angry and I am quite little so stopping her with my arthritic body is almost impossible. Everything was a tantrum, speaking rudely to me and clingy as hell.

I woke up Sunday morning in bloody agony. I am already in agony...I am not on slow release morphine for nothing , my fingers are so much more swollen,  I could barely use them and again they are swollen anyway. This is the flare within the flare. Sunday’s behaviour was a little better than yesterday and thank god she spent half the day at her grandparents.

Arggghhhh!!!!

On a practical level, I have decided since this nightmare that I am going to force her father to go to court if he wants visits, that will mean he has to be consistent or have nothing. Either way, my girl won't be hacking her hair and I won't be dealing with this amazing stress.

But how does one not let stress affect one's pain and swelling level when one feels like one is drowning in it regardless of one's skills?

I truly end up feeling like a failure...that all my spiritual and meditative practice is not helping somehow...that I am failing and my body ends up paying the price.

Of course, it could just be that my platter is so full, that no one could possibly succeed?

Oh Cordie,

I'm so sorry.  I can't even imagine what you and Neve are going thru.  You are in my thoughts.  I don't have any words of wisdom, but I'm thinking of you both!

Phats

All's I know is, when I'm in pain I'm more stressed and when I'm stressed I'm in more pain. And all you can do is keep trying everyday, you know? You do have such a full plate. It's such a big responsibility raising this child on your own and you are the best mom Neve could ever have. I hope you feel better, Cordy.

Oh, and yes, I think you're doing the right thing taking him to court. He can't just come and go in and out of her life whenever he pleases. It's affecting her badly already and she's only 5. The man is just going to have to grow up or miss out on a beautiful relationship with his daughter.

Cordy honey, your plate is full and I just want you to know that I love you and am here for you.

What does your mum say?  What is her suggestions? 

Yep, you need to get Damien into court, but is this the right time.  Have you called your DOC, and told him how much you are hurting.  YOu need to have him or his office document how this effects you.  You may also need to be admitted into Hospital to get over the current flare. 

A full plate is putting mildly dear. Don't expect yourself to come out of this just dandy pandy, cause it's just not possible. You could be in perfect health and a situation like this would wreak havoc on your body, mind, and soul. You're doing the right thing getting court involved. Someone has to step in and MAKE him do the right thing. sh*t on the pot or get out. Ya know?

*hugs* It will all work out in the end, just keep hanging in there, I know you can do it! You've proved your super-abilities to us time and time again!!
You are all so comforting and I so appreciate your words and thoughts for me and Nevie.

It is definitely time to do the court thing sometime soon or with all this coming and going Nevie will have no hair left as she will have hacked it all off. Poor kid. He doesn't give a damn about that stuff either. I just cannot understand that at all.

I will call my doctor and just left her know what is going on, I usually do.

Ah, Katie I almost feel like my superpowers are failing me with this full platter to deal with but I so love your words of belief in me and encouragement.




Cordelia, I was truly sorry to read all that you're going through.  It's obvious you're a great mom who's paying the price right now.  You're so right to take the creep to court.  In my experience, no dad is better than the the dad your daughter has now.  If he can't step up to the plate, he's outta there.  I'd look into getting a note from a professional (pediatrician, therapist?) with regard to your ex's negative effect on your daughter.  Get all the ammo you can.  I'm hopeful once this situation is taken care of, you'll go back to being in control of your pain.  Wish there was something I could do for you about that.  Hang in there, we're all on your side!!

Cordy, my heart goes out to Neve (you too sweetie).  I can understand the confusion and hell she must be going through right now.  My BIL is the family dickhead.  He has no idea how to father his 3 boys. All he cares about is himself.  The youngest and oldest boys are boderline autistic so they don't have the emotional connection that causes a lot of the problems.  The middle one is another story.  My SIL has had to take him out of school before he gets expelled.  He was beating up on girls and apparently dislocated a kids knee in a fight.  He is totally uncontrollable.  He has always had anger management issues but at the moment is at his worst ever.  He is 11.  He has a great role model for a father now, dickheads brother, my hubby's other brother.  Complicated I know but hey it works for them.  Poor Pete has been thrown into this situation of having 3 kids after being a 45 year old bachelor

Anyway, enough venting.  Neve doesn't need this in her life and neither do you. Nevermind the stress and RA, you just dont' need it period.  Its definatly time to make something formal through a custody/access agreement. 

Hi Cordelia! I don't know you but I am pretty familiar with the situation. I will say that I used to stress a lot about my son's father and the effect that he has on my son. I used to ask myself what was wrong with him and how could he be that way. Then I stopped stressing over what I can't control and started praying for him. And let me tell ya, it takes a while before u get there!

When it comes down to it we don't have much control over what they do but we can make sure to give our children all that we have to offer.

I will pray for your situation and for strength, comfort, and healing.

Be blessed,
Tash

And remember there will come a time that he will have to answer to your daughter because she will ask questions.   Cordelia, I am in EXACTLY the same spot you are in. The only difference
is that my little boy will be 4 next month and our court date is Nov. 26th.

I have become a stronger person emotionally because of all this. It is the
physical strength that I sometimes lack. My RD has seen me through this
entire mess with my ex from the beginning and asks at the start of every
appointment--How is life...really. I do have 1mg pred always on hand. I
take pred. daily anyway but he gave me this for those times that the
emotional situations start to affect me physically. Pred is a rotten drug--I
totally agree with that mess. But, by adding 1 or 2mg, there isn't really a
long term affect. Just that short needed boost.    

Perhaps he is your kryptonite!!!!  Thank you all for your lovely words and support. I know other people going through it makes me feel not quite so alone but keeping the pain level down is hard. I have called my doctor about the huge pain and swelling increase...she will call me back.

Pammy you BIL is Neve's father. I relate.

And Katie, maybe he is my kryptonite but sometimes I sure know where I would like to stick some dynamite and light the fuse

Well, Cordy, my friend....your plate is full.  It is very sad for Neve that she has a "part time father".  Seems like a very selfish man to me, putting his occasional desire to see his daughter above what is better for her.  You just gotta wonder.....  But I don't think you're a failure at all.  You're just moving through a tough time as best you can.  But I don't think it's not doable either.  Not becaue I've been through what you're going through, but because what else are you going to do?  Give up on you and your girl??  Never.  I sure wish I could help, but someday you'll be at the other side of it and you will be able to help someone else that needs it.  maybe that's what this is all about.

Linda

This is definitely NOT OK Cordy,  Neve is the priority right now and she needs to be protected from the emotional abuse she is receiving from her father.  Is there a school welfare officer that could spend some time with Neve, you should contact the school and they can put you in touch with someone who can help her work through this.  A big part of your stress is related to how this is affecting Neve, when she is calmer you will be too.  Does your daughter's teacher know what is going on at home? I am all
about privacy but as a teacher myself-it helps so much when a parent lets
me know what might be affecting the child. Obviously I can't excuse poor
behavior, but if I know there are other issues involved the problem can be
handled differently. There are a few kids that if I send them to the
principals office I also call the guidance counselor as well. Many of my
students will act out at school because it is the one area they may have
control. I also have a handful of kids that I try to check in with
throughout the day. My students are older(middle school) but I am sure
your daughters school has some sort of counselor available.

If you go to court make sure you get a statement from your child's
teacher. This will allow the judge to see what affect her dad's behavior
has on her. If it is just coming out of your mouth her dad can say that
you are making too big of a deal. This is what my lawyer told me
regarding my son.

I really hope that your rheumy can help you with the pain level.
Sometimes I feel like I am barely treading water and one more thing will
cause me to go under. Adding pain to the mix just doubles every issue.

Take care of yourself and that little one.

BeckyOoops, while I was posting I see that you are working with her teacher...Sounds like a good plan Cordy.  It is too bad that it just takes time to work through it all and you have to deal with all of the fallout for that time.  Just know that we are all here when you need us.  So sorry you're having so many problems again Cordy

Sorry you are having to deal with all of that on top of your RA. I don't have any advice to offer you from the point of view of a mother's wisdom. But from the perspective of someone who gre up for far too long with a father like that, it seems to me that you are handling things the right way. What I remember most was being so terribly confused and it sounds like you are straight up with your daughter. It would have also been helpful to me if my mom had known to have worked with the teachers on what was going on with me which you are doing as well. 

Best of luck,

Melly

Cordy, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time both physically and emotionally right now. Stress definitely isn't good for RA, and it sure sounds like you have your fair share, but at least you're doing everything within your power to make things right for both you and Neve. Just don't forget to take care of yourself while you're taking care of Neve. :)

 

HI cordy I am so annoyed at your ex, I have a sister who has gone thru all this and she has come out smiling most of the time altho even now her 18 and 15 year old are  suffering fallout.  God Bless poor little Neve, I have a suggestion, my son is suffering anxiety and now fits as you know and I have been requested to take him to a psychologist forhis anxiety.  I am looking forward to it as he needs a little help, I am sure Neve could benefit if you wish to go that way.

As we are on disability we can get 5 vists on the EPC plan through Medicare and the gap is all you pay approx - but the Dr told me there is a new programme called the "better outcomes" programme which is a free service for children. You just need a referral from your GP.  I hope you don't mind me suggesting this, try and relax and look after yourself where possible but definitely take him to court, that is a priority and get all the back up you can.  Take care, your friend JAnie. So after doing much research and getting much advice I am going to not go to court at the moment. It is was suggested from someone who is aware of the family court environment here at the moment, that fathers even damaging fathers are particularly being encouraged to have visitation with their children at this time. I could go in to get visitation sorted and Damian could come out with 50% percent custody. Great, a system that protects it's little ones. NOT.

What I have now is no custody agreement and what that does is makes me the 'parent in possession' and it actually gives me power. Damian cannot just turn up and take her out for a visit if I say no, he can't. He can even call the police and they can check on her welfare but they can't remove her from my possession. Sure Damian could start the court process but it would take a ton of energy on his behalf.

So I have the choice of the courts which would probably give her to him or stopping her seeing him which could cause fallout with her..."You didn't let me see my father." or I can wear the fallout and the stress and end up in pain and swollen.

Great choices. Argggghhh You are right Cordy, its not fair.  SIL has been told not to take BIL to court as the onus would fall on her to prove that he isn't a fit parent.  The thing for her to do is to wait for him to take her to court then he has to prove that he IS fit and she can make the priviso that he has to have a full Psych evaluation etc.  It makes it hard on her but now that she is married and has the family behind her she at least has the support she needs.  She and new hubby have been offered weekends away from the boys with one boy going to each of hubby's sisters for looking after.  My hubbys family is all on SIL's side even though its his brother who is the dickhead.  Its also his brother who is her new hubby.  They know their brother is 'touched' and isn't fit to parent the boys and they are glad that now the other brother has taken over and 'rescued' her and the boys.Wow, I so appreciate all your fabulous replies. I feeling terrible today as I haven't even had the energy to post of other people's like I normally do.

Melly, I super appreciate your look at this from the child's point of view. That was really helpful to me and to hear that from your point of view as a kid who went through this that I am doing all the right stuff was such a relief.

I have had to be really straight with her. I have not been in the cushy position where I could only say nice things about Daddy because it would have been promoting her damage through the fantasy. I watched her cry for the firs 8 months after the break up because Dad didn't love her and then when I thought she had grieved and nothing worked, I basically said, 'look kiddo this man is basically not up for the job, he isn't going to do it even though you want him to, sweetie.' She seems to appreciate straight talking more than anything.

Janie,I already go to a family counselor and she will take her on but her service is about to employ a specialist child therapist. It is good to know about the other program in case I need it though.



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