Hi all, I hope you have some great jokes to start the week off with. Thanks, LyndaMy alderman sent me these (our city council is often referred to as "Grumpy old men")... enjoy!
An
elderly gentleman...
had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He
went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of
hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman
went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is
perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The
gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and
listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were
sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm
83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I
just wet my pants."
An
elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives
left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking,
and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really
great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the
name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said,
"What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know...
The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's
the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose,
what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for
patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found
one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at
his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a
chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know,"
he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital
gown."
Couple in their
nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the
doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start
writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while
watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the
kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.
Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can
remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also
like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice
cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
the old man
returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She
stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she
a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of
money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in
bed?"
"I don' t know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
Three old guys are out walking.
First one
says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one
says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a
new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.
It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbour . "What kind is it?"
" Twelve
thirty."
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get
a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor
spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris
replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be
careful."
One more. . .!
A
little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself
slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a
banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he
replied, "Arthritis
I have a little sign on my wall that says:
I like my Bifocals...
My dentures fit me fine....
My hearing aid is perfect....
But Lord, how I miss my mind!
You know you're getting old when you bend down to tie and shoes and say to yourself "What else do I need to do while I'm down here."
You know you're getting old when your broad mind and narrow waist trade places.
You know you're getting old when your favorite rock stars start dying of natural causes.