Hi everyone and thanks for your great contributions, a laugh a day is important, VERY important. Love ya, Lynda
Please Post more!!
A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. Ok, and here is one Letterman style: Ten Signs That You’re Too Old for Trick or Treating Ok...I got started early...It is your turn! shel Fynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS Good ones Shannon>>>> >
> 1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your I got this forward - some pretty good stuff here. Sorry it's kinda long.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull off to the side of the road, "maybe we will see what we can do."
The nun plants a whopper of a kiss on the cabbie! But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not
wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't
remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of
restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't
dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Super Hero in the neighborhood with a
walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
A man and his wife were working in their
garden one day, and the man looks over at his wife and says: 'Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I'll bet your butt
is bigger than the barbecue grill.'
With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill.
Then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
'Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue
grill!!!'
The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
'What's wrong?' he asks.
She answers:
' Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?'
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
>>>> >
> left arm as if holding a baby. Position right
>>>> > >
forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
>>>> > >
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding
>>>> > >
pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill
>>>> > >
into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
>>>> >
>
>>>> > > 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from
behind
>>>> > > sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat
process.
>>>> > >
>>>> > > 3. Retrieve
cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill
>>>> > > away.
>>>> > >
>>>> > > 4. Take new pill
from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
>>>> > > arm, holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force
>>>> > > jaws open
and push pill to back of mouth with right
>>>> > >
forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
>>>> >
>
>>>> > > 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat
from top
>>>> > > of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
>>>> > >
>>>> > > 6. Kneel on floor
with cat wedged firmly between
>>>> > > knees, hold front
and rear paws. Ignore low growls
>>>> > > emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold head firmly with
>>>> > > one hand
while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop
>>>> > > pill
down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
>>>> >
>
>>>> > > 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get
another pill
>>>> > > from foil wrap. Make note to buy new
ruler and
>>>> > > repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines
>>>> > > and vases from hearth and set
to one side for gluing
>>>> > > later.
>>>>
> >
>>>> > > 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get
spouse to lie on
>>>> > > cat with head just visible from
below armpit. Put
>>>> > > pill in end of drinking straw,
force mouth open with
>>>> > > pencil and blow down
drinking straw.
>>>> > >
>>>> > > 9.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
>>>> > >
humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply
>>>> > >
Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
>>>> > >
carpet with cold water and soap.
>>>> >
>
>>>> > > 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get
another
>>>> > > pill. Open another beer. Place cat in
cupboard, and
>>>> > > close door on to neck, to leave head
showing. Force
>>>> > > mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down
>>>> > > throat with elastic
band.
>>>> > >
>>>> > > 11. Fetch
screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
>>>> > > door
back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of
>>>> > >
scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to
>>>> > >
cheek and check records for date of last tetanus
>>>> > >
shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.
>>>> >
> Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and
>>>> >
> fetch new one from bedroom.
>>>> >
>
>>>> > > 12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn
cat
>>>> > > from across the road. Apologize to neighbor
who
>>>> > > crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take
>>>> > > last pill from foil
wrap.
>>>> > >
>>>> > > 13. Tie the
little bastard's front paws to rear paws
>>>> > > with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining
>>>> > >
table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.
>>>> > >
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of
>>>> > >
filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically
>>>> >
> and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill
>>>> >
> down.
>>>> > >
>>>> > > 14.
Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive
>>>> > >
you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor
>>>> >
> stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
>>>> > >
remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way
>>>> >
> home to order new table.
>>>> > >
>>>>
> > 15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from
hell
>>>> > > and call local pet shop to see if they have
any
>>>> > > hamsters.
>>>> >
>
>>>> > > How To Give A Dog A Pill
>>>>
> >
>>>> > > 1. Wrap it in bacon.
>>>>
> >
>>>> > >
>>>> > > 2. Toss
it in the air.
42 Weird Things You Would Never Know!!!
1.) A shrimp's heart is in its head.
2.) The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
3.) Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
4.) Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
5.) If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969 make it illegal for
6.) In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
7.) A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
8.) 23% of all photocopier faults world-wide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.
9.) Most lipstick contains fish scales
10.) Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
11.) If you sneeze too hard you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force they can pop out.
12.) In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.
13.) It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
14.) A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
15.) More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
16.) Horses can't vomit.
17.) Butterflies taste with their feet.
18.) In 10 minutes, a category three hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.
19.) On average 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
20.) On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
21.) Ninety percent of
22.) Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
23.) Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
24.) Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
25.) It's possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.
26.) Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
27.) It is physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
28.) The Main Library at
29.) A snail can sleep for three years.
30.) No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
31.) Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
32.) The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
33.) All polar bears are left handed.
34.) In ancient
35.) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
36.) TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
37.) "Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
38.) If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand 7 feet, 2 inches tall.
39.) A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
40.) The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
41.) Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
42.) Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.
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