Hi all, please post some more of your fun jokes. Thanks, LyndaHi.
Pavarotti was knocking on the pearly gates up in heaven.
St Peter came out and said, "aah Pavarotti, I have been expecting you, apparently you have a letter from the Pope for me. Pavarotti nodded his head and handed the note to St Peter.
St Peter read out loud, "Dear Peter, here is the tenor I owe you".
I don't get it?
These are a tad spicy, hope yall don't mind!
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A man and his son walk into an ice cream parlor. The man orders a
vanilla cone, looks at his son, slaps him on the back of the head and
asks, “What do you want, Fathead?”
The guy at the counter is appalled. He questions the man on his
actions, to which the man replies, “There are three things a man wants
in life: 1. A big truck. You see that truck out there? Biggest damn
truck in town; 2. A nice house. I got the nicest house in the county;
and 3) A tight woman. Had me one of those too, until Fathead here came
along…”
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A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices
sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: Sisters of St. Francis
House of Prostitution, 10 Miles.
He thinks it's a figment of his imagination and drives on without
second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says: Sisters of St.
Francis House of Prostitution, Next Right.
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next
to the door reading: Sisters of St. Francis.
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun
in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?".
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin
cup, instructs, "Please place 0 in the cup, then go through the
large wooden door at the end of this hallway".
He gets 0 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup. He
trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut
behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot,
facing another small sign: Go in Peace. You Have Just Been Screwed By
The Sisters of St. Francis. Serves You Right, You Sinner!
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Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes
were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by
one.
As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was so ashamed, Grandma didn't know her occupation.
Grandma stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for. Lulu,
saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to
those waiting Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the
end of the line.
When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed. He said, "How the heck do you do this at your age?"
She said "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck'em dry!"
The policeman fainted.
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Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a
while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner
to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And
you're single. Just let it go, Dave."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:
"Dave.....
Dave.....
Dave, you sick bastard
You're a vet."
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After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly
alternative, said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb,
(fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in
the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next
to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
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