OT-Want a Personal Trainer? | Arthritis Information

Dear Diary,

For my sixtieth birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead
and give it a try.  I called the club and made my reservations with a
personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old
aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My
daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and
showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believ e I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop.  I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning;
and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair 'monster'.. Why the h*** would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other s*** too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took
me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny b**** to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that b**** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
without/ /unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me
to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want
dents in the floor, don't hand me the D*** barbells or anything that
weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just h earing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
 
SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
daughter Rachel (the little s***) will choose a gift for me that is fun
-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me
to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!