Musings: apprehensions | Arthritis Information

 

Musings: apprehensions

 

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what my life will be like in the future…and the images that come back to me are filled with apprehension.  There is, of course, the apprehension of living with a chronic illness, a tangled ball of uncertainties…will it get worse, will I be disabled, will it suck away our life’s savings and opportunities to fulfill our dreams, will those I love abandon me?  It’s so easy to imagine the worst; it’s part of our human nature.  Apprehension leads to fear, and fear gives birth to stress and feelings of hopelessness…it can become an endless loop, feeding on itself and consuming our energy, adding to an already heavy burden of fatigue.  Then, of course, there’s depression, a dark well with a slippery slope leading downwards.  I’ve been reading a book of poems by Sylvia Plath.  She was a brilliant writer but a very fragile person, pursued relentlessly by her own apprehensions and fear.  She tried and failed to commit suicide…a tragic event recorded in her classic novel “The Bell Jar”.  Later, at the age of 30 she tried again and succeeded, leaving behind her husband and two small children.  I’ve enclosed a poem she wrote the year before she died.  It is a stark image of the darkness that was closing in on her.

 

Apprehensions

By Sylvia Plath

There is this white wall, above which the sky creates itself---
Infinite, green, utterly untouchable.
Angels swim in it, and the stars, in indifference also.
They are my medium.
The sun dissolves on this wall, bleeding its lights.

A gray wall now, clawed and bloody.
Is there no way out of the mind?
Steps at my back spiral into a well.
There are no trees or birds in this world,
There is only sourness.

This red wall winces continually :
A red fist, opening and closing,
Two gray, papery bags---
This is what I am made of , this and a terror
Of being wheeled off under crosses and a rain of pietas.

On a black wall, unidentifiable birds
Swivel their heads and cry.
There is no talk of immortality among these!
Cold blanks approach us :
They move in a hurry.

 

I know this is a rather depressing topic but it’s a reality we face, and if we have the courage to face it well we can find release from our apprehensions.  Sylvia asks “Is there no way out of the mind?”…that is a mind imprisoned by apprehensions.  I believe there is and the first step is to put aside denial and honestly face our apprehensions.  If we can see them as they really are, hazy images with no real substance, their power over us will diminish.  Talk with a close friend that you trust completely about your apprehensions, expose them to the light…they much prefer to grow in darkness.

 

I hope you find peace and joy in your life,

Alan

Alan, as usual you have an amazing capacity to present issues that are truly relevant but painful to express in a gentle, sensitive way.

Beautiful.

I wonder many things about the future. I wonder many things about the present, lol.

Exactly what you have mentioned echo the fears of my soul. Also will I be around for Neve. Will I be able to take care of her.

This stuff is truly frightening to face but this illness brings it to the forefront of our minds and hearts.

Thank you again for another powerful contribution. I just love reading your posts.
Alan - thank you.  Thank-you Alan for such deep insight.   lcarter39376.2986574074

I'd suggest that another option would be finding an intimate relationship with God and giving up your apprehensions to Him.

If only the author of that suicide note could have find that relationship!

Hello all,
Matthew, while I do agree having an intimate relationship with God is one of the best ways to go ( I have been a Christian since I was 15) it does not prevent us from the deep, dark fear and apprehensions that this author seems to be conveying. 

I have dealt with major depression for most of my life, along with fairly severe anxiety problems.  This is not situational depression, it comes and goes without rhyme or reason.  I have been on several meds and they have worked to varying degrees, but sometimes they stop working.  I have contemplated suicide on several occasions.

During these times I am still close to God and my family.  We have prayed for healing.  I still have a very strong faith.  Before I married my 2nd husband I let him know all my problems with this and what signs to watch for in case it came over me again.  I have had 3 major episodes since we have been married (in the last 11 years) and they might last for a year or two or even three. 

I also believe this is a biochemical disorder in my body.  It is much more than just feeling down and gloomy.  I have physical symptoms with the emotional and mental ones.  I DREAD this ever coming back, really really dread it. 


Wow, Alan. Allen, it takes alot of courage to take an honest look with eyes wide open and allow ourselves to see what could possibly be within our future. I believe that this is just part of the grieving process of letting go of what we once were.It truly is terrifying and the unknown is the most frustrating part of this disease as there is no way to predict or plan for anything. Being apprehensive about all of this is perfectly natural I believe but trying to find the positive things in life is important too.mew 

Mary,

I am very familiar with Major Depression Disorder (MDD).  You are absolutely correct; it is a serious illness that must be treated by a professional, with both physical and mental symptoms that can be totally debillitating.  My son suffered from MDD and was hospitalized several times.  I have seen  the havoc it can create in a person's life and feel that I know it well.  "Situational depression" as you describe it so well is a very different thing.  It's the kind of depression we often feel when circumstances become unbearable...struggling with the pain of RA is a good example.  I didn't want to leave any confusion on this topic...MDD is not something that can be dealt with by will power, positive thinking, or facing your fears, etc.  RA can lead to depression but it does not cause MDD.  If you suffer from MDD, seek professional help.

Alan

Unfrotunately with these diseases comes depression, I can tell you there have been many a time I have sat frighten and worried as to what is going to happen to me, what is going to happen to my family if these diseases gets worse how are we going to pay the bills etc.  I am fortunate that I realised that these are things I can not control, but as Alan has stated there are many out there whose depression is much worse and who need the help of dr and meds.  Alan the poem was beautiful and sad, I can feel the writer's heart and soul, her isolation, desperation and hoplessness in that poem.  Thank you Alan   meme39376.893599537
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