It's hard to believe that it has been one year since my Grandmother passed...how did I make it through? Much of the year has been a blur and I try to focus on the fact that she would not wanted to live in her condition. The RA and Lupus had done so much damage, not to mention the prednisone crumbling her bones, that she would have been miserable.
But oh how I miss her...I had never lost anyone that close to me before her. Yes, I had lost my mother, but I was a baby and did not know her. Without my Grandmother, where would I be today? Why do we feel so guilty when we lose someone? Like we could have never done enough for them. Could never tell them enough of our undying love and devotion to them. What more could we have done? I didn't understand how bad this disease and Lupus were. Surly I could have done more...taken her to better doctors, researched it further. I know she wanted to stay...she wanted the doctors to bring her back if she went down...but I knew her frail 92 lb body would break into dozens of pieces and and therefore signed the DNR. I fight with that decision time after time. Who am I to say...what right do I have?
This disease scares the hell out of me!!!! And I am so thankful she passed before I developed the symptoms. She would have just been fit to know that I have it now. Well...not Lupus...thank God!! But maybe if I had developed it while she was still here, I may have been able to help her more. Now that I have a better idea of what she was going through.
I am not posting this for any responses...I just needed to get it out of my head. I pray God let's her hear me tell her I love and miss her so...and how I am thankful she is no longer suffering.
I do apologize for being unkind in a lot of my posts lately, but yes phats, I am quite emotional these days.
Sorry Gimpy and Lorster...I should have used kinder words to say what I felt needed to be said.
I used to ask myself how would I feel if Jesus had walked beside me all day long? Well, I can tell you today I would be very ashamed.
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((((hugs)))) to you Lisa hunny. I knew something had been bothering you lately.
I can totally understand how much you miss your grandmother. I was a wreck at the first anniversary of my daddy passing away. It was 4 years this September that my daddy passed away. It has gotten a little easier but it has taken a lot of time and a lot of grieving. There are still times that I cry and grieve for him.
My Daddy suffered so greatly the last 3-4 weeks of his life here on Earth with me. I can finally take great comfort knowing that he is in a better place now. I know he is sitting in his La-Z-Boy chair with his dog Chewie laying with him…and he is eating his evening sandwich cookies and milk. I know he is with his friend of many many years Lee (Lee passed away 2 months after my daddy did) and they are just having the time of their lives together. I am also glad my daddy didn’t have to see me this way in the physical world. I know he sees me and walks beside me, and comforts me. There are times I can feel his strong loving arms around me in a gentle hug and whispering in my ear that he loves me. There are times I can even catch his scent.
My daddy lives on in my heart and the hearts of my children and grand children. I can catch glimpses of my daddy in my girls. They move a certain way…look at me a certain way…some of the things they say or think…will just be all my daddy. That gives me great comfort.
It took me a long time to get where I am when it comes to being ok with the passing of my daddy. You will get there too with your beloved grandmother. It is just one day at a time.
I am always around if you need someone to talk to. Or just need someone to listen to you. Or just need a shoulder to grieve and cry on. Never hesitate to contact me.
(((hugs)))
I think grandma skittles is a kind,intellegent,supportive person. She rarely has anything negative to say, always responds to peoples post with caring intellegience. Blessed you must have really spoken some bad crap this time to get grams pissed enough to write that!
HUh?????? I'm a little lost here, not really understanding some of the responses....anewbeginning, I think you may have misread. Check the author of the post just previous to yours. And then the one just before that, which was the sweet, kindness of Grammaskittles. Unless things were deleted before I saw them... In that case...
I'm not in this at all. Just wanted to make sure you knew who posted what.
Be well!
Blessed, Just wanted to offer my deepest condolences on the loss of your dear Grandmother. I have lost several people who were very important in my life, the most recent, my precious brother. He died last year of liver cancer. I do understand and send you my sincere sympathies. Know that she watches over you, still.
Grammaskittles wrote you a beautiful, caring note. I feel as she does, and wish you a peaceful heart.
Hugs,
Nini
Anewbeginning, I think you jumped in with both feet without reading everything fully. It happens, but you need to go back and reread things.
Blessed, I hope you can come to a point of acceptance and understanding with your grandmother's passing. I think it will bring great peace to your life.
I certainly won't presume to tell you how to believe, but I will share with you my thoughts about life and death. They are a complete package, one does not exist without the other. We are given a gift of life to fill with love and joy, and to learn how to be better people. I believe your grandmother is with you, watching over you, gently guiding as best she can. Perhaps she needed to pass before you were diagnosed, so that she could be in a better position to help you on your journey.
If we can reach our finish line knowing that we have been loved, and have shown love, and have tried to learn life's lessons, and feel life's joys and sorrows, then we have fulfilled our promise. That is what I wish for you, and for everyone here. Peace, love and fulfillment, and an appreciation for the gift of life itself.
I hope you find healing and happiness, and perhaps can think of your grandmother as your special RA Angel.
Karen
i did re-read and i see were i have messed up. sorry
forgive?
kel
HI Lisa, I really hope your heart heals soon, I lost my gorgeous Mum in January and the pain is so different from any other, don't you think? I don't think I shall ever get over it, she was my best friend and I think most people do not realise how true that is until you lose them. Hang on in there, time is supposed to make us feel better, I must admit, I am thinking of mum these days and I laugh as she was a real comedian, so loved by everyone, I believe she brought joy to so many peoples lives and every time she and I discussed my illness, she really felt the pain for me and cried with me at times. I will miss her compassion and her voice and love forever. God Bless you and I hope the grief path becomes a little easier. Much love Janie. Thank you so much for all of your well wishes. I truly was not trying to make people feel sorry or make excuses for myself. I really just needed to get it out before it exploded.Sorry Gimpy. It did look to me like you posted that mesasage on this thread. I was like, WO...that was very very VERY unkind. It shocked me that you would do that, you don't strike me as a mean person. Anyway, I'm really glad you set the record straight.
Blessed, sorry to hijack your thread for a sec, but I think Gimpy deserves it. I am truely sorry about your Grandmother.
Everyone, Lisa has said that she is sorry for the unkind remarks she made, but somehow you all are finding it hard to accept her apology. Is it so hard to forgive and forget? Some people get angry when they are grieving, we all react in different ways. When we are posting try re-reading what you have said before you post your reply by doing this it will give you a chance to hear what you have said and you will more than likely change some of the harsh things you have said. Lisa there are quite a few of us who have been where you are now. I can tell you it is really hard, I lost my sister who was 52 years old and my HEART, my father and mother. You don't get over it, but it does get better over time.
"Weeping may endure for a night, but Joy comes in the morning"
I want you to stop trying to pick fights with me over and over, that's what.