I called my mom today to let he know about Amber's upcoming surgery.Let me say I have never been close to my mom.Long story.Now that she is retired and is home helping to take care of my dad who had a stroke last year, she is now starting to see what I have been going through for the last 14 years with my youngest daughter Carrie.My mom asked if I needed her to go with me to take Amber for her surgery.I almost laughed.I told her,"I have been through worst surgeres than this alone,I will be fine.My youngest has had 11 brain surgeries,I have had 5 and my oldest daughter is now on to her second.Not once were my parents around for either surgeries.They only live 5 minutes away.I think now my mother sees what it has been like for me to be the caregiver to a special needs child and to take care of another child with a chronic illness.I do this pretty much on my own excpet when my husband is not working and can help out.I know this may sound mean, but I don't want my mothers help.We have a long history of her ignoring me and to ignore my children when they have been very sick makes me even madder.I don't need her help.I hate it when she gives me advice.And what makes me so mad,I tell her the same thing over and over and she never gets the facts right.She just doesn't listen to me.SOmetimes I wish I could forget i have a family other than my girls and husband.Atleast then there are no exspectations.
Ok, I am finished.Thanks for listening.
Sheila
Wish I had my mom now. We always got a long like best friends, she was always sick cuz she had a rare blood disease. I knew one day I would lose her, and I'm happy that she lasted long enough to see her only grandchild born.My Mother is my best friend. I couldn't imagine the pain you've had to indure without the love and support from your family. I hear of it often here; but I just can not imagine it. In my opinion family is the most important thing in life.
It does sound as if your mother is getting older and now that the tables have turned on her slightly with your father's illness maybe she is starting to see the error of her ways. Maybe she does want to try to be there for you, the girls and your family but doesn't know how to go about making up for lost time.
Everyone makes mistakes; some worse than others and not everyone knows how to go about asking for forgiveness. Some people go about things in different ways. What may seem like too little too late for you might seem like her last chance to make things right with you and the girls while there's still time life in her life.
Try to have an open mind. Forgiveness can be a great source of refief for some.
Don't let it overwhelme you though Sheila. You've got so much on you right now; if you mother wants to be involved in your life and that turns out to be a good thing for you; wonderful. If she is only there causing more stress in your life you don't need it. You've learned to do it alone...but it's never too late to accept her help if it is indeed in good faith.
Good Luck. We're here for ya sister.
Lovie
I want to give my mother another chance but the thing is she was never there for me growing up.I went through 4 years of physical abuse,black eyes,stiches,anorexia,suicide attempts and a nervous breakdown all before I turned 19.She never once showed concern for me nor did my father,he was an alcholoic.But they so adored my older brother.All there time and money went into funding his hobby...motocross racing.This is a long story.
Today I did one thing for the last time.After all the surgeies Carrie has had,Amber's illnessess and my 5 surgeries.I called everyone(grandparents,aunts,uncles) and told them about Amber.I wasn't even gonna do that but I just wanted to see just how many of them will actually call or come see her.Just going through past exsperinces with Carrie and all the time she has been in the hospital and hardly anyone from our famamlies came to see her.Many times she had surgery and no one called from either family.They were just waiting for us to call them.They always do.But when you have a sick child recovering from brain surgery the last thing on your mind is calling your parents and family to let them know how she is.They should call us I think.
This is a very sore subject with me.I have always been the one there for all my family when they were sick,had surgery,children sick,divorces,sepreations...you name it I am the one they call when the _ _ _ _ hits the fan.But of all of them, my mother has hurt me the most because now that I am a mother I can't imagine ignoring the things my mother ignored in me growing up.She doesn't even know I have been sick.She shows no compassion and that hurts so much.I wish I had a mother figure in my life.With my mother it is make believe.I just don't know if I can fake it.I tell her things and then I have to repeat myself cause she wasn't listening.SHe takes nothing I say seriously neither does any of my family.I was a complainer as a child,I felt sick alot.Dr.'s never found anything wrong with me so when I talk about illnesses they just think I am looking for attention still. I am 39 yrs. old When I was a young girl I was so depressed and felt so sick just due to depression and physical pain.You know sometimes your family never sees past who you were as a child and always look at you as the complainer or the whiner.Thats how they look at me.SO does my husband's family.My husband never beleived me til just a few years ago that anything was even wrong with me.I have had 3 laps.,1 knee surgery and a hysterectomy.Not once did my husband do anything to help out.He even told my daughter who was 10 at the time that he didn't believe I was in as much pain as I was after my knee surgery.
I'm sorry for going on like this.But I just feel so bad myself and just wish I had someone physically near to help me and be apart of my life like a mother.Many times my mom has made comments that she couldn't do the things I have done for my girls because she worked and I don't.She worked part time and I homeschool Carrie not to mention many other things.I just don't know how to take her.I don't know how to take any of my family.My therapist said that my exspectations are normal that I am not crazy for thinking that family should be more supportive of each other.
This issue will never be resolved.I think it is too late for them all in my eyes.They just don't get it but of course none of them have health problems and have healthy children.My brother in law who is super duper Christian made a mistake and slipped up and said they were going to see another woman in the same hospital that it would be convient for them to stop by since they were gonna be ther anyway.No special trip for Amber I guess.It's funny they will do anything for the people in their church but nothing for their neices that have been so sick and been through so much.
I am a bitter woman, can you tell.
Not at you all,you guys are my friends.I am so thankful for that.
Ok, I am gonna go fix Carrie something to eat.She wants sausage for dinner.I think sausage ,eggs and pancakes sound good to me too.
Thanks for listening to me whine.I do it so well, just ask my family.
I really believe familes are those closest to you...the people you love and the people that love you. They might be old friends; new friends, neighbors or co-workers. They don't have to be blood relatives to be the closest to you and be the ones you can depend on in the end.
I personally have a great family for the most part. I'm closer to some parts of my family...and not so much to others. I have a sister that's four years older than me who lives 5 minutes down the steet. We aren't close. I know if I needed her for anything she'd be there but I have a best friend that I'll probable share a nursing home room with. We couldn't be any closer if we were twins.
In my opinion Sheila if your biological family causes you more unhappiness than happiness....make your own family....your own happiness.
You hang in there...and thanks for sharing your story. I know that's not easy; but it just makes us love you more.
Lovie
At least you made the call Sheila...the ball is in their court now. You tried. I always had problems with my brother...and my aunts and uncles. After my mom passed away they all went thru her things and took what they wanted and sold some, then had a pile of stuff "that I could go thru and get what I wanted from" . I was my mom's next of kin as she was divorced ...it's a really long boring story...but I had to put my foot down and say the only thing that matters to me now is who is in MY own house ....that was my husband and my son...everyone else can take a leap for all I cared at the time. It took me over a year after my mom's death to realize that and I became a better person for it.I am sorry your family is like that. Mine is kinda like that. I just choose when I visit and see my family. I can only take so much of the "NUTS" at one time and for so long...lol.
I wish I had not bothered you guys with this.We all have our own personal problems and mine are no more important than anyone elses.I do appreciate the support.We all have our own private demons that need to stay private,I am learning that more and more.I just talk too much when I get upset.
Sheila Well we all have things in our lives besides Arthritis...often these other things that bother us totally affect our symptoms of RA; so it's good for us to share them and get them off our chest when we feel comfortable enough to do so. I hope some of our comments have not left you feeling more upset. That's always a rish you take when you spill things here....more than one of us will give you honest opinions. Sometimes you want to hear them...sometimes you don't. That's a risk you take everytime you open your mouth here...but I feel like everyone is good hearted here and no one means to hurt anyone. Hope you're feeling a little better today and the girls are comfortable. Lovie's right Sheila - what's going on in your life will definitely play into your symptoms so get it off your chest whatever way you can! I came home from a week with my family & couldn't move the next day! I love them dearly but boy do they stress me out!
Lulu I think talking about those feelings is really important. Holding it all inside just raises your stress level. Don't feel bad about sharing them. Somehow it also helps other people who are suffering the same kinds of things not to feel so alone. Please don't be sorry. You hit the nail on the head Tiana. So many of us struggle with the same difficulties. That's what makes us all so close regardless of the fact that most of us have never even seen each other's faces...we understand each other. And is so very helpful when we discover we are not alone and there are others out there that have the same problems as we do. Sheila- I know how you feel. Don't be embarrassed- I thought I had the only non-functioning family around. It's good to know I am not the only one. My family also is not very supportive and I have been on my own since I was 16. My brother also was a prima donna. I have decided as I get older that I think that my dad, his wife and
I try to participate with them when I am able to. I try to "turn the other cheek" and let by gones be by gones. But some days with those guys it is hard. My husband always says you get to choose your friends, not your relatives.......LOL boy aint that the truth. I found that these hurts were sucking up the determination I needed to care for the 4 of us in this house. That is what my priority must be. It is important to know you have done all you can concerning the relationships and have no regrets. I am not advocating cutting off relationships but I think there can be a point where you just can't take it anymore. It is OK to take a break. You have so much to deal with. Keep in mind that people can change, tho, and you can hope for that. In the meantime, encourage yourself. And I will help. It is amazing and honorable that you called them and gave them another chance at responding. That took guts and proved you still hope they will be decent. You go girl!! That says so much about the person you are. You take care of your children and obviously have so many challenges related to that. You homeschool (I do too). You are a caring person. Your plate is full!! It seems to me you deserve a national holiday in your honor!! I can't imagine how hard it must be to have children with those problems. (I admire you). Do you have anyone, even just one person, to encourage you and be for you? Nothing makes up for not having a caring family but compensate every way you can. When you have strong days, maybe you can put on a thick skin and deal with your family. On weak days, it's OK not to. Just know you are not alone in this experience. It is indeed horrible to have such an absence of love and tenderness. You never get too old to need a mother's type of love. I don't know if this helps but it sounded too familiar for me not to want to say "I'm with you, sister!"..Oops, I shouldn't insult you by calling you family.... Good for you Salbee, You shared a lot of your heart and soul to support Sheila. WE can use people like you on this board. Please stick around. I know when I read a post responding to my posts that makes me think "they really understand" it makes all the difference in the world. Thanks for sharing Salbee Brenda, I relate to you more and more when I read your posts. I wish you could come down and go out and play with Cristene, Mina and I. I think you would be a fun member of our potential "support group".
Yeah Salbee!! Welcome out of the closet my friend. And I doubt it will be long and you'll be thinking of this group as a family...you just stick around here Missy; We need more people that have things to say. The more tha merrier. Welcome to the board, Salbee!! Ditto on what everyone else has said! I hope we get to hear your "story" on our bio thread. That way someone else would be able to identify. I am just the comic relief. I make the board a "brighter" place
I would love to get to know you more as would all of us.Email anytime Sheila1366@yahoo.com.
Gentle Hugs,
Wow Sheila-You have really been through alot. I am
so sorry to hear about the illnesses and surgeries
you and your daughters have had. You will be in my
thoughts & prayers....
June
Juliah, when you were talking about your mom I could have sworn you
were talking about mine. When I had lymphoma and they told me I
had six mos to live she wasn't there for me, even though she was only a
half hour away
And that's how she is now, she thinks everythings fine I have no health
problems and I don't need any support from her whatsoever. I just
make sure raising my kids that they know that they're loved and I'm
there for them no matter what.
Hugs,
Mina
Copyright ArthritisInsight.com