I’ve
become pretty destructive to my marriage, job and life in general. I know
that my wife can feel it and for that I’m sorry, but I just don’t know how to
deal with the fact that my body hurts all the time and I feel like I’m a
ticking clock, waiting to seize up. It will cost me 15 years I believe
they say, but more then that it will cost me relationships, money, pride and
time with my year and a half old daughter.
I’ve
slowly come to realize all of this, but I really felt the loss when at my
grandfather’s funeral a great aunt told me that my grandfather’s father had
died of RA in bed. I realized that the tears, that my grandfather shed
when I first saw him, after I had been diagnosed, were memories of someone
else, and his knowledge of what I will probably go through.
I’m
still either fighting or in denial having made the decision to see a naturopath
for a 6th opinion. Although I will probably look back on this
written line with sadness, I can only hope that they’ve made a mistake and all
of this can be fixed. All of this.
Funny,
for a long time my only wish was to be able to lift my newborn daughter, which
I can now do with relative ease. Life could be much worse.
I'm sorry, but I just thought that I should write down how I really feel for the first time.
I’m only a year and a half in having been diagnosed with early onset with
no Rheumatoid factor and I’m taking Methotrexate and Enbrel.
Glad to meet ya, Chris
I can soo relate to your marriage problems & wanting to hold your newborn with no pain or even having fear of dropping her. I was at my worse when my son was a newborn. It was hell, but he & I survived.
I sure do hope the Enbrel & MTX kicks in to their fullest possiblities for you.
Welcome to the board. < =text/>_popupControl();
Chris, I am sorry to hear that you think your life is down the drain now that you have RA and you have ruined everything because of it.
Yes, your life expectancy with RA can be shorter by those 15 years really only if left untreated. You wrote you caught this at early onset and you are on mtx and Enbrel now. I am gathering those are working for you since you said you can now lift your baby girl without a problem.
Sure RA can make you lose time, money, pride, relationships, your spouse, etc. ONLY IF YOU ALLOW IT TO!!!! I really think you are in some denial with this, but mainly a lot of anger. Which is one of the stages of dealing with a chronic illness. I say anger because you start out your post with saying you have been pretty destructive. What can you do for yourself to work through this anger you are feeling? What can you do to work through this denial you are going through? I say you are somewhat in denial because let’s face it Chris…a 6th opinion?? What have the other 5 said to you?? I do encourage you to go to a naturopath though to supplement the current treatment you are on. It can’t do any harm to add good natural things to your body to help fight this RA. Just please check with your regular RD before taking anything new.
Chris…let me tell you a little about me and why I say that only *you* can allow this crap to ruin your life. And really only *you* can make it so it doesn’t ruin your life. I was diagnosed with RA once year after I married my wonderful husband. We always knew that there was the possibility that I could develop RA because I have that genetic connection on my maternal side of the family. That still did not stop my husband from marrying me. That did not stop us from having 2 very beautiful children. That did not stop us from living our lives. What it did do was make us think creatively on how to live our lives around this disease. It made us stronger and more determined. Do we have our down days because of this disease. You bet your tush we do. Do we sit and work through those days together as a couple? You bet your tush again we do. We figure like this…why should I go through this alone? Why shouldn’t I have the support of my partner who promised to love me and be with me through sickness and health. Why shouldn’t I reach out to my spouse when I am down for his support. Why shouldn’t I make him a part of this and not shut him out? Because RA touches every single aspect of our lives and to shut him out and not have him be a part of this will totally destroy my marriage, my children, and basically our lives. He wants to be a part of this, we wants me to come to him for help, he wants to help me, he prefers that I ask for help rather than try to struggle through this without him. I bet your wife truly loves you and yearns for you to include her in your struggle to work through this. I truly believe you would be surprised at how much help, reassurance, support, the want to help you through this, and love your spouse has for you despite your RA, anger, and denial. Why do this on your own Chris? You have the greatest thing in the world in your life. Your family. Don’t shut them out!!! Don’t set yourself up to lose them!!
I can tell you if make this change to stop being destructive in your life, it will not be overnight that your wife gets used to it. It will be gradual just like the changes you would make. However, I am willing to bet that within a few weeks, your life will be so different and so wonderful, you will wonder why you even acted the way you did.
I do not have the perfect life and by far I do not have the perfect marriage. I have been married for just about 16 years (our 16th wedding anniversary is next month) and it has had it’s ups and downs, trial and errors, and good and bad times. But the main thing is that we have learned from all of that and moved on. I can tell you that without my family I would be nowhere near in as good of shape I am in either emotionally or physically. I still say physically even though right now my RA is out of control and I am on mainly bed rest with very limited activity in the house or outside of the house. I do believe I would be totally bed ridden if it were not for my family. Chris, I really beg of you and implore you to reach out to them before it is too late and you lose the best thing in your life.
Feel free to PM me anytime. I understand and know exactly what you are feeling and going through. Although it has been a long time since I have gone through that myself, I still remember what it was like and would do just about anything (including sometimes some tough love) to help people through these rough emotions and get back on track. I hate to see people hurting like that.
Chris -
Listen to GrandmaSkittles! And think about counseling. It's something that helps a lot of us thru with families because try as they might, a lot just don't seem to understand.
www.roadback.org - They saved my life.
Pip
Chris, I think we all go through a grieving period after being diagnosed with