Hello to everyone.
I have not been okay at all and am still not.
Janiefx has been calling me madly this week to try and get hold of me. She told me that everyone is asking after me and where I am. That was really nice to hear.
I have been in quite a dark place going through some depression particularly instigated by having to put in my disability application, a couple of weeks ago felt I was starting to manage bits of it and I went into a huge flare. My GP and I tried to work what had triggered off but the only thing we could come up with was the heat here has been bad and I don’t do so well in it. The pain has been enormous. My doctor put me on morphine 90mg per day and oxycodone 40mg per day but it took a week before the pain cycle even looked like breaking the cycle but the last couple of days the pain has been worse again.
When you are in indescribable pain it is difficult not to be depressed, snappy, crabby and down. My days are consisting of getting Nevie to school, sleeping, pick her up, doing her bedtime routine and starting all over again the next day. If I manage one tiny thing I have to do, it is an amazing miracle. I never really thought it could get any worse but yes, it could. I am just so worn down from the constant pain and waiting months for the Rituxan to work. Once again, I am in a place where my life is reduce to the world of RA. I am stripped of everything I want to do, that I love because I have no energy, I am in pain. My life is only RA…what pills to take next, how I can manage to actually get in the shower, that I have to force myself to eat to take medication, more sleeping because I am exhausted. No fun. No joy. No more than just existence, survival…nothing.
At first I was on the board but would sit there unable to read any of the posts and certainly unable to post at all. I don’t know why I couldn’t read at least but I couldn’t and then I stopped coming on in the last few weeks because I knew I couldn’t read or post.
I just stopped, knowing that this is the time I really need to be reading and posting and I can do neither.
With the depression, I particularly need to be talking as my natural reaction with it is to withdraw and become insular. This is obviously not good. I am already maxed out on anti depressants and mood stabilizers and generally they work really, really well so there is little to do but get through it somehow.
So here I am now. Nothing has changed but a talk with Janiefx on the phone tonight did help and I somehow feel I could write this at least.
Anyone who tried to PM me and couldn’t because my box was full, I am sorry. I wasn’t even coming on to know it was full. I have now emptied it again.
Oh, and for future reference if I go AWAL, here are my contact details which I am happy for any of you to use. Even if I am not on AI and have withdrawn, I am in my email so you would get me.
Email: cordeliawarner@iprimus.com
Yahoo: cordeliawarner@yahoo.com
Msn: freyja68@hotmail.com
For those in AU my phone number is: 07 5435 0256
Oh, and Nevie is fine. Throughout all this I am still parenting single-handedly as I do. She is settled and fine regardless of what is happening with me, which is the way I want it to be.
So here I am. At least I could do this one. Maybe some of you may some ideas of how to step through all this garbage I am having too, because I so miss helping others and that’s what I used to be able to do all the time. I want to be back in that place but I am not yet.
This disease is beyond unfair…it literally rips our lives apart and expects us not to be unhappy about it.
I have cried my eyes out for the time it took me to write this. That felt healing but sometimes it seems all I do is cry.
So am attempting to maintain sense of humour and sunny outlook.
I have missed you all dreadfully and I hope I can at least start to read some posts at least.
Oh gosh sweetheart, I couldn't be more sorry for you. I know you have been trying so hard and your little one is so important to you. I won't make this long so others can post. Thinking of yu and hoping for the best. Love,Lynda
Chris
I am so glad you were able to come back and let us know what's going on, because we do care, and we were concerned. There's a lot of love and concern here, and that can be very healing. We can all send you our positive thoughts and prayers, and healing energy!
It sounds like things have been so very difficult for you, and it has to be much harder doing it alone, without a spouse or partner to help you. Do you have a best friend or family member you can ask for help when you need it, or when you just need to talk?
Get yourself some feel good girlie movies and your favorite foods, and do some things that you enjoy. Be good to yourself, and pamper yourself a bit. You need to take care of yourself right now lady! A little spoiling is in order.
Healing hugs and wishes coming your way. . . Hi Cordy, I am so pleased to see that you posted, you need all the support you can get and here is the right place to get it, you have many caring wonderful friends here and we all care and love you so don't feel alone and remember I am only a phone call away, love Janie.XX Dear Cordelia, I am so sorry for the pain and depression you are experiencing. I will write you via email as I have not been as active on this board as I once was. I am hoping and praying you are feeling better soon. Love and gentle hugs, Julia
Take care of yourself. I will pray for you, for a measure of grace and mercy to see you though this terribly difficult time. I'm truly amazed at your strength and feel humbled by your struggles. I feel embarrassed that I so often moan and complain about so much less. You are an inspiration to us all!
Alan
Hi Cordy,
Glad you found the energy to post an update for us. You are very missed around here and we all hope for you to feel well enough to rejoin us. Until then we will still be here and you will be in our thoughts and prayers.
Jay
PS Give Neve a big hug from us all.
Hi Cordelia,Cordy, we've all missed you so much and have been worrying after you. I am so glad you were able to get on to post, even though it has been difficult. I hope the Rituxan finally starts to make a difference soon (got my first infusion finally last week) and that the AD's help as well.
Sometimes we all need to just put one foot in front of the other and live for the next minute until we break through. I hope you break through soon, and take good care of yourself in the meantime.
Like Karen said, is there a friend or relative or someone who could give you just a little bit of help and local support?
Big, big hugs coming your way!
So glad to read your post. I can't imagine what you've been through and I'm humbled by what's happened to you. Will be thinking about you and Nevie and hope that the light breaks through soon. Lindy
I'm so sorry to read of your health struggles, Cordy. I don't know you very well, but I do know this: The fact that Nevie is doing well despite what you're going through speaks volumes about you as a person and a mom. You must be very strong and loving. People like you are like cream, they rise to the top. As soon as you get just a little window of relief, your strength and determination will kick up a notch and see you through the last of this awful episode. You're a fighter and you're going to come out of this OK. How fortunate for Nevie that you are who you are.< =text/>_popupControl(); Hi Sweetie ((((hugs))) for you and for Nevie. I am glad to see you post it really shows that you are on your way to feeling a little bit better.
You are where many of us have been and some of us are right now. It is not all that unusual for depression to set in when a flare and the pain are bad. I had a bout of it last winter right after Christmas and did an anti depressant for 6 months to pull out of it.
Neve is doing so well because you are a strong person and I know what a great support and a great light she is for you. Both of you need each other and I am glad that you have each other.
I loves yas muchly and we will be here when you come back on a regular basis. I have to run now but PM me if you need to talk.
Dear Cordelia,
I am relatively new here but as a sister in this struggle, I will pray that The Creator of all things will keep His arms around you and yours during this difficult time for you.
K.
Hey their Cordy. This can't go on forever. Don't lose hope, my friend.So sorry Cordy. Healing thoughts and prayers are on the way and will continue until you are feeling better.Hugs,
Pip
Cordelia,
hang in there!!
(((((((((((((Cordy)))))))))))))))))
Hang in there girl we are here if you need us. I have been there and know the fustration and hopeless is so heavy, you feel like you can't move or think. Just know we are here for you. xoxoxox meme
*hugs* We love you!!!! Oh, and now that I have your e-mail addy....you're so in trouble.
take care Cordy, I am so sorry for what you are going though.... we are here for you and I hope your meds kick in quick....I know I have been to that dark place and actually still trying to pull myself out. So please Cordy if you need us we are here for you. Love you
Reach out, we are here for you. Love and hugs
Copyright ArthritisInsight.com