Especially if I keep posting this stuff. I feel like every week I'm turning to you guys for help or support and it's only half the time about RA. Oh my dear little Katie! I am so very sorry that your life is turned upside down again! It seems like it never gets a chance to right itself, doesn't it? I really wish I could come and put my arms around you and give you a big "Mom" hug, and a shoulder to cry on. This just seems like so much for someone as young as you are. Heck, it's a lot for anybody. I am so sorry that poor Justin is going through all of this again. It doesn't seem he has a chance to heal a bit, before it's bad again. I'm sure it scares him a lot, too. But, Sweetie, you really need to take care of yourself, too. I'm sure you know that. Can you possibly see your doctor and get some antidepressants? It sounds like you have had a depression problem for a while. Sometimes you just need some help, as I'm sure you know. And, yes, you must take the time to eat and sleep. I sure would hate to see you end up in the hospital, too. When you feel up to it, I think you need to have a little talk with Justin and try to tell him a little bit, what you are going through. I know it's hard to do with him so sick again. But I know you love him and he needs to know what's happening with you. Maybe not a real in-depth conversation, while he's in the hospital, but hit on the important points. I'm sure he needs to talk a little, too. Please take care, Sweetie! I'm worried about you! Much love, Nini I just want to give you the biggest mama hug as well. I agree with Cordy as well slow with deep breaths. I am new here so I don't know a lot about you can you call your family just for moral support if not for financial. I would hope that if my girls were going through even half of what you described, that they would call me. I would do any and everything possible to help them. Even if you are having differences I bet that wouldn't matter. oh sweetie...I am sooo sorry you are both in this situation right now. Everyone has given such good advice right now..Take it. Call the Salvation Army, go to the modest needs website, talk to your parents. You know Im here if you need someone to talk to. Big mom hugs to you too sweetie. Oh wow!!! That'll be good for Justin to have his mom around...or will it? Hopefully it goes smoothly and doesnt turn out to stressful for him. Hopefully she'll be there and be a mother to him. I think it'll be good for you guys to have a little break. Hopefully I'll be able to come up one of the days that your back home but w/ the snow nothing is guarenteed right now.
I am so glad you get a chance to go home and Justins mom will be there for him. Cordy said it best. Please try to follow her wisdom for the time being and when you get home let your mom mother you. Now I can't stop crying, see that is your fault too..........hahahaha. So glad Justin is home and you guys feel a little better. Hope you can get some rest. (((((((Katie)))))) Crispy Katie, I just want you to know that my mama's heart is crying for you. Life is not fair, plain and simple. If I could,I would wrap you two up and bring you home with me and take care of you. I hope that this time coming up with your mom and dad, that you can feel a little bit like a child again. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Justin. Please try to take care of yourself somehow. What Cordy said is so true. One day, one moment at a time. Hi Katydid I'm so glad you shared with us...we care a lot for you. Everyone has given you such great advice I don't think I can add anything. Just know I'll be thinking about and praying for you guys.
Then their's you, being a caretaker for him, worrying about the bills and how you'll pay them and having to battle your own painful and chronic illness. I know you know we on the board all care about you. We can offer encouragement and moral support and prayer. But I think you need to be with people, physically. People who can give you a hug, or have you over for dinner, or come help you clean your house or do your laundry, bring you a meal. Visit Justin while he recuperates. Have you thought about moving back home? Being close to the people that love you? You and Justin would not have to bear the burden alone anymore. I bet your family would be overjoyed to have you back. Linccn's idea is great. Is it at all possible for you guys to do that? going through all of this I do hope you make sure to take care of yourself. Big hugs Katie...I'm so sorry you're going through all of this again. PM me if you need to talk. Love ya! So sorry Katie, everything seems to happen at once. I hope and pray life gets better for you & Justin. If you run out of things to clean at work you can always come clean my house. LOL
take care of yourself girl!
Justin is back in the hospital as of last night. There is a lot of inflammation in his small bowel and colon. Why? Who the f*** knows. I know that both he and I are ready to break though. We had a bit of a blow out, and it's really been nothing but tears all night.
He admits to being depressed, but refuses to talk to anyone about it. There are issues between us that have always been there, and they're not big, but every now and then they come up. Well when he gets admitted and he gets upset, he brings them up. I think it's because he's afraid of things not being "right" so he feels like we need to resolve it all right then. Fact of the matter is, we've been together for 3 years and nothing gets resolved over night, but it sure isn't going to break us either.
But it's sure hard to tell someone that who just feels like he's hit a brick wall.
And then there's me. I am utterly and completely EXHAUSTED. I'm at that point where I just want to sit down and cry "but who's taking care of ME?" I'm swollen - I don't swell. This is not good. When I swell, I damage. It's a lovely trend we've watched all my life. I can only manage to down one dose of Naproxyn a day, because that's all the stomach cramping I can handle.
Emotionally, I'm a frigging train wreck. At times I feel myself slipping back into depression, and I really don't want to go there. I've done well on my own, getting out of that hole. I'd really prefer not to go back.
Okay, I'm gonna let lose. Here's how it goes and how my brain works:
We take him in to the ER and I'm already in a brain battle. One side saying this is so silly, he just needs regular pain meds. Crohn's hurts, plain and simple. Why can't he just give into that?
The other side of me is saying how dare you think that, there's something WRONG can't you feel it?
And then he gets scared, and I can see it in his eyes. It only takes a glance, but I can see that little twinge of desperation. Somewhere inside a child is crying "why me, why again, why now?" But he doesn't say a word about it, instead he starts talking about family.
Our ideas of family are different (I refuse to go into detail) and we argue. We don't fight, just argue. He wants me to budge, I want him to budge. Deep down we know we're both wrong. I think to myself these are the times we argue, because it's the only thing we have control over.
The doctor comes back and says the CT scan isn't good. He's inflamed and it's bad. He's going to have to stay. There's still healing tissue, and it's just dangerous to have inflammation like that. I look at the clock and it's already 10pm. I have to get sleep at some point, I haven't eaten dinner (we came out here at 6:30) and while I'm sad for him, I'm angry too.
I'm angry because I'm suddenly so aware of my own self, and my own pains and troubles. I'm suddenly aware that this chair is killing me, and I can no longer feel my toes. I'm angry and I want to shake him and say "NO!" it's not your turn! It's mine! It's MY turn to be taken care of!
And again, the other side of my brain is ashamed that I would think that way. How DARE you think that! You will be fine. You will wake up and eat and shower and dress and do everything you always do. Because you always do and you should be THANKFUL that you can.
That's the side of me that says look at him. Look at how much pain he's in. No one WANTS to be in that kind of pain. He doesn't wish it, there is no way.
And the child-like side of me is still stomping her feet screaming "me me me me!" and crying and throwing an internal tantrum.
And the adult side says 'tell him, he'll understand' But I can't, because it's the child-side of me that has control of my mouth. So instead, I say something stupid. He's already near tears, he's so upset that he has to stay here again. Bills have to be paid, jobs have to be done and he's feeling trapped and helpless. And my child makes it even worse. She spits out something nasty, and crosses her arms in a huff.
And now he's angry and rightfully so, and spits back. I leave. Once in the sanctuary of my car, I cry. I cry and cry and cry. The child cries, and the adult cries with her. For the first time in a very long time, I feel completely and utterly alone. I think that it might be over, I might never be able to handle this again. And that only makes me cry harder.
I don't make it all the way home and he calls. He's been crying to. He asks me if I'm alright, and I say no. He wants to talk about it, but I'm choking. I get a little across, but it's hard when you can't see faces. He says I need to come back so we can talk. I say I'll come back as soon as I can. I have to take a shower, I have to eat. I tell him I'll call him on my way back.
I think he's asleep now. It's been 3 hours, and he hasn't answered the phone. He needed some rest. I can't go back out there tonight, I just got a disconnection notice and I have to pay a bill tomorrow. So I'm forced to stay until they open in the morning. It's too far to go back and forth.
And nothing is resolved. I don't know if it's because there's two sides of me fighting or what. One side says there's nothing to resolve, this is how it goes. "Such is life" "sh*t happens" all those other great lines. And the other half, she's not so accepting. She's demanding and precise. This just isn't her idea of life. But how realistic is she anyway?
Is this normal? Am I losing my mind? Where am I supposed to turn? Are there words that can be said that even approach what's going on in our lives right now? Is it possible?
I'm going to keep this simple...you need simple at the moment.
Let go.
Accept.
Things are rotten.
Life suck right now.
You can't work any of it out.
Don't try.
Just let it be.
You're exhausted.
He's exhausted.
Take care of yourself now. Eat. Shower. Sleep.
Do no more than that.
And in the morning just and only do what you have to do...the next indicated thing...pay the bill...then do the next thing.
Most of all, be gentle on yourself. Reach out to your family and your friends, you need them now.
One tiny thing at a time, okay, that's all...and big deep breaths in between.
Katie, this is all so sad that two young people have to suffer so much.
You both need to get a good night sleep so that you are both able to
express your emotions more productively. Chronic illness brings with it
so many issues on so many levels. Cordy is right by telling you to just
take it step at a time, one day at a time. Get the physical problems taken
care of. He needs to get over this exacerbation and get back on the road
to recovery. Probably not the time to solve all your relationship issues.
Put those on the back burner and focus on the task at hand which is both
of your physical needs. It is a catch 22 as the more financially strapped
you become, because of the illnesses, the more stressed out you both will
become and then the cycle just repeats itself. The bills can and will wait.
That is out of your hands right now. Pay the stuff that absolutely need to
be paid and call the rest and explain the situation. Many will make
exceptions. By communicating with your creditors, it will ease your
stress. See if family can help you out to catch up. See if your church can
help. Often times they will help with rent and food. Just some
suggestions. Keep talking to people, vent, allow him to vent as that will
also help keep the tension down. I'm sorry you are having to go through
all of this. It is obvious that you both love each other. It is worth working
on. You both need each other right now. Try to remember that he is
extremely sick...and scared and he probably needs to be reassured that
you are there for him. You also need to communicate to him....at some
point that you have needs too. Good luck Katie and keep me posted. Hi Katie, I totally agree with Cordy, and when things improve, that is when you do your real talking, when you are both rational not irrational through no fault of your own. Is the place you are living a tight knit close community, if so, reach out, you need help, even if its only ready made meals from a local help group when emergencies occur like now, or a little help with financial problems, the Salvation army or the red cross are great, don't be afraid or embarrassed, you two deserve help, get Justin to see a social worker through the hospital and explain how tough things are. Best of luck and I shall pray for you both, love Janie.xx
OH Kaite hon Cordy said it the best sweetie just take it little by little. Lorster is right there are places that will help you. Go to Salvation Army. Take copies of your utility bills dr bills etc. explain to them what is going on and they will try and help you with what they can. Most important you need to rest, I know it is hard to do right now but you do need to rest. Even if you go up to the hospital and sit with your sweetie, you guys don't need to say anything to each right now, but hold hands snuggle with each other, we all need human contact. Wait a day or two before picking up your conversation, he needs to rest and so do you. When hubby and I have had arguments, I sometimes can't get across what I need to say so I write it down, I write down what I am upset and angry about, but I also write down what I like and what I love about him too, it helps alot and it helps us. Hang in there Katie, we are here for you and your sweetie. xoxoxoxoxo meme
But now it's all been out in the air. He's feeling better and he's home now. He's supposed to get in with the GI ASAP and go easy on the food. He apologized for things said, I apologized, and we talked for a while.
I wish I could be more detailed, but I'm really tired. It helped me so much just to spit it out here. And to have support from you guys.
*hugs* Thank you thank you thank you
Oh, I've already borrowed from mom and dad, and Justin's mom has money in the mail for us..... As soon as my water and power bills go past due, then I can take them to Salvation Army. And I plan on it. I can't with the cell phone, because thats a "luxury" even though its the only phones we have, and with my car we MUST have cell phones.
Both of us just really need a break from life. We're getting it soon. When I go to see mom and dad, Justin's mom is coming down to stay with him. She has her ticket and everything. :) I think that will help A LOT.
fairly new...I think.... Had a patient on it last week and she said it is the only
thing that has worked for her.
HUGSHUGSHUGSHUGS
I'm so sorry y'all have to deal with all of that chica. And don't worry about asking for support from the board...hell, that's what we're here for! I hope y'all's respective time with y'all's parents gives y'all the needed break. And I'm glad y'all talked...communication is hard as hell sometimes, but it generally makes things better. Again, HUGS.
~Kristen
Katie, the words fail me. I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of both you and Justin and I hope everything gets better for you quickly. Many, many hugs to you both. I wish I lived closer to you guys. I'd drive right over and give you a shoulder to cry on.
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