WARNING:
If you are offended by cuss words, you probably don't want to read this rant.
You have been warned. Don't respond with how offended you are by what I said and what not because you have your chance to back out of this post right now.
Last chance!!
Most of you that know me know I am a generally upbeat and positive person and I've been described as happy go lucky. I've got that "well, it could always be worse" motto.
Three days of feeling like I've been thrown down the stairs multiple times has totally rubbed me the wrong way. I am f**king sick of this sh*t!!! I feel like f**king crap!!! Instead of getting better, I have gotten progressively worse. "It could always be worse" is f**king right. This morning I f**king opened the GD baby food with my teeth. Yes, my f**king TEETH.
Yesterday I spent the whole damn day on the couch with a f**king heating pad and ate Vicodin like f**king candy. Thank goodness my 6yr old is here. He has been helpful (as much as he can be) with the baby. When my husband got home, he took over. I popped some flexeril and crawled into bed.
This morning I'm in f**king agony!!! I cried like a baby yesterday and I cried again like a f**king baby this morning. I even had to ask my DH to take half a day off from f**king work. I needed him home yesterday and all day today, but I feel f**king guilty causing him to miss work because of my sorry ass.
We f**king have NO ONE that can come and help me. It's just me and him. Our families are f**king 10-13hrs away, easy. I hate not having anyone around. I just f**king hate it!!!!!
I'm f**king sick of hurting and I'm f**king sick of not being able to play with my kids and do all the fun Momma stuff. Instead I have to say, "No, sweetie. You can't go sledding right now because I can't make it down the stairs to check on you." What the f**k?!?! I'm 28yrs old!!! I should be on the f**king hill sledding WITH him!!!!!
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
And now my f**king hands hurt from typing this GD rant. f**k. f**k. f**k. f**kity f**k f**k f**k!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate this f**king sh*t!!!!!!!!!!!
Hugs,
I know it won't help, but hugs, hugs, hugs,
Pip
wow,,,,,i do hope your venting has made you feel somewhat better,First, let me say that even your agony, you thought of everyone's sensibilities and even used excellent spacing to keep potentially offensive stuff out of site. Amazing!
I can't imagine what you are going through day-to-day, but do know what it is like to be very sick and have no help. Luckily, there was always an end in sight for me, and my heart goes out to you. I know you know this flare will end, too, but I also know it is uncertain and overwhelming.
The way you set up your post tells me you are creative. You have to get creative with your son, give him something exciting inside so he isn't worried about outside. That probably means messing up the house with a huge fort or something, but make hubby clean it up when he gets home.
If hubby can't be there, make him of list of things to do before he leaves - open the baby food and put it in a dish, etc. Go back over you post and 'solve' what you can, to make tomorrow a little better.
I have experienced how awful it is to be so sick and still have kids that need you. It wasn't RA, but I do know that feeling, to have it hurt to pick your baby up, etc. You just need to be left alone, but you can't be.
I hope tomorrow is better.
Poor Mel. I'm sorry you are hurting. I know I can't make you feel any better, but maybe you'll find comfort knowing that you aren't alone. I'm getting pretty sick of the pain too. I broke down the other day and bawled like a little baby. I'm sure I looked like an idiot, but I sware I felt better after.
You rant all you want! We're here for you.
((((((((((Mel))))))))))
First off your rant was not offensive to me, RA stinks big time and there are many other colorful words I could use to describe it!!! I got RA at 25 and overnight changed from an active woman to someone who had to hold her brothers arm to walk! I so know how you feel, so you rant and say whatever you want!!!!!
May I ask what meds you are on? Sorry I do not know your whole story but maybe some high dose prednisone is in order just to get you through this agony? I have had that kind of pain and spent many nights crying.
I just read your meds, 10mg of mtx seems like a very low dose to me, I was on 20mg for a while until I went on Arava which has been a godsend to me, I also dont know what the dosing is for Enbrel but I think that 50mg is too little.
You need some relief and you need it now. Please call your RD right away, flexeril and vicodin are not going to help you get through this, you need prednisone as much as we all hate it it sometimes is a necessary evil!
I am sending you bunches of hugs and let us know how you are doing!
Maria
Thanks you guys. Aww Mrs I about cried reading your post. I'm so sorry that you are
I have been there, the kids wanted to do this and that, nope I can barely move, mommy is so sorry.....mommy is so sorry...............mommy is so sorry sweety but I don;t feel good at all today...........
Yucky life, yuck way to raise kids, was not my idea of how I wanted to be a parent either.
It gets better......the kids adjust.........you adjust......well somewhat anyway to live your life...I think I adjusted. IT sucks.
I feel for you,so rant away, felt like writing that the other day actually, more like ""DOESN'T ANYBODY UNDERSTAND I HAVE ** RA????????????I CANNOT DO ALL THIS *!""AGAIN, I AM SAYING I SIMPLY CANNOT DO ALL THIS BY MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!"
SO see, you are definately not alone in this. WIshed I could help, have no words of wisdom, you get over it sometimes then it hits again. I woudl check with your RD on your meds, maybe there is something more than can do.
SOrry I was not much of a help....hugs to you!
jode
Mellie, that was a f**king good rant! So glad you got it out, but so sorry you are feeling so f**king badly. I know you are sad now, but that will pass too when it's ready.
I know it's hard to keep watching for the light at the end of the tunnel, but Mel you are the light. You are so strong and thoughtful and compassionate, thinking so much of your hubby and your kids. Now turn some compassion on yourself and try not to worry so much about them for just a day or two. Make sure you get the rest you need and maybe call the dr. I hope the mtx tonight helps.
I'll be thinking about you.
I really truely understand. I am sorry you hurt and can not do the things you want. And well your right. Bad words are in order for this kind of missery. And anger who wouldn't be. How do we do it. It is tuff, it is hard. My prayers and true hugs for you. I so hope it is all something that can get better soon.Mel, I also am sorry you are in such pain and the ranting is sometimes just what you need. My kids are teenagers and that is one of the things I am grateful that I didn't get this when they were younger. I cannot imagine having this damn disease with little ones. You are in my prayers and feel free to keep on ranting if it helps.
nora
Mel, I've ranted and sworn and so desperately wished it was me suffering this f*****g disease and not my daughter. At 10 she shouldn't be in this much pain. And then if it was me I bet I wouldn't be as brave as she is. And so I'd be ranting and swearing even more anyway. I'm so sorry for you. You're in my thoughts. Keep on ranting here and try not to be sad....so easy to say when I'm not the one in pain
Dee and Becky
Mel, I am so sorry, and can totally relate. I hate what this does to our lives, and unless you have experienced it to the full extent...then you don't have a clue!!!
I am so sorry...and I am sending big hugs!
You are so right...it's not so much the pain, but the limits the pain imposes on us...the inability to just function normally! And then there's the uncertainty; when will it end?...what if it never ends? Uncertainty breeds anger which rages for a while then slowly turns to a blinding fear. The only "cure" for the fear is to let it all out so you can see it for what it is... a powerful, overwhelming emotion...yet, in the end, powerless to control us. I don't tend to rant though I think it's a very healthy, healing thing to do. Instead I tend to pour all those dark feelings into my writing...my way of getting it out. I thought you might relate to this poem (I've shared it in the past) I wrote while occupying the dark space you've described so well...somewhat of a primal scream with a dash of hope at the end.
I hope you feel better soon, Alan
Fear
By Alan Duncan
Fear crept in like a fog
That covered a sinking bog,
Sucking down into its deep pool
Any nearby wandering fool.
A cold damp sweats the air;
Icy fingers rip and tear,
Pulling down while reaching
To grasp white bones bleaching.
Images of black despair
Framed the walls of fear's lair,
A collage of dying dreams
Drowned by primal screams.
Is there nothing to bring peace,
Forcing fear to cease
Its foul quest to control
Each aimless drifting soul.
What purpose can we seek
To tame the clawing reek
That oozes from self pity,
An odor of fear for all to see.
The world's shiny machines
Cavort with grunts and gleams,
Sparking lights to scatter gloom
And scare away impending doom.
And yet their ceaseless toil,
As elements return to soil,
Halts amidst piles of rust
Seduced by time's lust.
Where then can hope be found;
From what source a joyful sound
To soothe fear's evil breath,
And scatter visions of death.
In each heart a spark of light,
Straining to burst bright,
Illuminating a passioned plea,
Seeking grace and empathy.
Follow the light to fear's demise;
Stare into it's hollow eyes,
And laugh at the empty gaze
As memory fades with the lifting haze.
Fear creeps out silently,
Transparent now, eyes see
Hope illuminated by love's light,
Heaven bourne by angel's flight.
I am sorry you are going through this. I was diagnosed at 25 and now I am 30. I used to have days like yours, I did. I used to not be able to pick up a can of soda.
On the prednisone, there is a way around the rollercoaster. I figured out that prednisone SEVERELY messed up my blood sugar and that is why people get crazy (and crazy hungry on it). As long as I stayed away from starch and sugar while I was on it, I didn't have the same problems with appetite and mood swings. I ate baked sweet potatoes (since all I had to do was stick it with a fork and bake it, no cutting) and carrots instead of hitting the bread and candy. It really helped for me. So if you want to give the prednisone a shot again, that is how I would try it.
Good luck!
I remember feeling guilty that my girls missed out on a healthy mom, and although I just couldn't do what the other mom's were doing with their kids, we did enough. Most importantly, I was always there for them and that's what matters. In 21 years I've only had a couple of really bad flares where I was bed ridden, but I never got on the floor with them, ever. I had to figure a way around their requests that I couldn't do myself, but you figure it out and you move on and as long as they know you love them, they are able to deal with it all.I can't even begin to imagine living with this dreadful disease and having small children to care for...it's just not right.
Rant away whenever you feel like it...what better place to find a captive and understanding audience than here!
Hugs, and more hugs!
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