Having a bad day...depressed and hurting | Arthritis Information

Today I feel so down.I have bipolar /depression.Been on mood stabalizers and anti-depressants for sometime now.I am always afraid that my bipolar will get out of hand and I will end up in a deep depression.Mania has never been a real big problem for me, mainly depression.

I hurt,feel bad and am so lonely.I know this is part of my depression.I started another 6 day pack of pred. yesterday,I hope it kicks in today.

Today is one of those days I just want to go to bed and cry.Thank God Amber is getting better,Carrie is still hurting in her eyes(neurosugery appt. in the morning,hopefully will get some answers),husband is always working or at the garage working on his woodworking projects.He is a fireman too, gone 24 hours every 2 days,luckly he is at a very quiet station and isn't running all day and night.

I haven't been to the gym in almost a month cause I have been sick and so have the girls.I am starting to notice I have gained a little weight which really depresses me.

We just got our home out of foreclosure,Thank God!But little money to spare.Husband is trying to get a buisness started doing woodworking.Takes alot of money to buy equipment and suppplies.He blames me for almost losing our house.I wrote some checks that bounced(groceries,bills) and that got our account behind which made us behind on all of our bills.Since I balance the checkbook it is my fault that we got behind on our house payment,all the while he is spending money on woodowrking equipment and charging up a credit card bill over 00 for tools and supplies.He has made some money off of his work but only enough to break even.The only time he wants to talk to me is when he is talking about his woodworking projects.So I seat and listen,encourage and pat him on the back to let him know how great he is all the while I am feeling neglected and very alone.I am a good back patter,which I don't mind,people need encouraging this is a tough world we live in.We all need a good pat on the back,a hug and tenderness.But when it is always giving and no recieving I get real depressed.I just Thank God for my girls,they make my life so much happier.I do get hugs amd kisses from them and they are the best kind.But you can't talk about these depressing thing with your children,so you guys get to hear me whine.Sorry.

I know I am rambling, and really shouldn't bother everyone with my personal problems but like I have said before I have no one else to talk to.Depression is a very hard thing to deal with and when you hurt on top of that,your children are sick and you have no money it just makes everything even worse.I envy all of you gals that have husbands or family to support you.I am soooo happy for you.

I know I have friends here,I just wish I could see some of you,seat down and talk,visit.

Sorry for boohooing.This is my boo-hoo place,sorry.I'll try to keep it at a minimum,today is just one of my very low days.

Thanks for listening,

Oh Sheila, I'm so sorry, I think most of us have been there at one time or another, I just wish we live closer to eachother. Maybe that's how your husband deals with everything by throwing himself into his woodworking. My hubby is good at doing his garage "stuff" when he wants to runaway from problems.

You know you can cry on the board anytime, we're here for you
Much love,
Mina

I agree about hubby getting away.I have always thought it was important for a man to have his time alone.I just don't have that freedom.I mean I except my responsibility to be here for my girls, wouldn't want it any other way, they are my life.But I just wish my husband was the type to rub my feet,take care of me when I don't feel good,tell me it will be ok but he just isn't that type.I knew that when I married him shouldn't exspect him to change after almost 18 years.I just wish I didn't have this darn depression,it just makes everything worse.I just want someone to hold me for awhile and tell me everything will be ok.I am always cheering everyone else on especially my girls,they have such hard roads to travel.

I am just feeling wimpy today.It will get better.I am an opptimisc believe it or not.I just unfortuantely have a messed up brain and a mystery illness that makes me sick.

Thanks for writing back.
Sheila

Sheila-so awful to hear what you are goint through,
but I can totally understand where you are. I am
bipolar/depressed (no mania!) also. Have been for
many years.Even though I take medication, when I
starrt to get down, I can get really down. It is so hard
to pull out of it. Having financial issues and pain on
top of it can really be overwhelming (I recently just
avoided eviction for the 2nd time).

I understand about your husband also. When I was
married my husband was just not a very sympathetic
person. I was always the one giving HIM backrubs,
listenting to stories about work, etc. I'm glad you
have your girls for kisses and hugs!

If you can, try to do something for yourself today...a
hot bath, take a walk, do your nails if you can, or
something like that. Sometimes when I am really
down, I need to give myself some attention. If you
have a bible, open up to the psalms and read
through a few of them. That always helps me too.

I will be praying for you and be praying that you will
since His arms around you; and if I were there I
would give you a big hug too!! [

Blessings
Tara

Tara, that was a real nice hug.And a very sweet post.Glad to meet someone else bipolar.It use to be the hardest thing I have dealt with personally til now.I have been lying in bed watching movies with Amber and Carrie is asleep again.Husband seems aggrivated cause we are all lying down and he is having to take care of the puppy right now(we have a puggle part beagle and part pug).Even though I take care of her 90% of the time.He doesn't see it that way.I have been unhappy in this marriage for sometime now.I do love him but I get tired of the way he treats me.Reminds me too much of the way I grew up....ignored.Tonight when I lay down will get out my Bible and read a little, I am sorry to say I haven't done that in awhile but I do pray.

Thanks for the prayers and hugs.

Don't apologize for talking about your feelings. You're carrying a heavy load right now. It's so painful to feel like you are carrying all the weight when you feel terrible too. Keep thinking about the love you have for those girls. That has to be a bright spot.

Do you think the prednisone makes you feel more down and makes it harder to cope?

It's so good (sorry to say) to hear that my husband isn't the only one. Sometimes I feel I would be soooooo much better off being alone with my two kids. Thank god, right now we don't have the financial problems that some of you have, but we weren't always this way, which made it that much harder. There's something wrong with the picture of my ten year old son helping me more than my husband! I have to make a huge effort not to wrip his head off on a regular basis. Says he understands, but we all know how actions speak louder than words. Sometimes I wish our roles were reversed, so he could see what a selfish, insensitive jerk he is sometimes. What really sends me is when he tells me he's tired. He has NO idea what being tired is. I thought I did, too, before this god awful RA kicked in. Listening to some of you say such nice things about how your husbands are with your RA was kind of upsetting me. Making me feel worse in some ways. Other times he's really OK. But if I had RA when I met him, I know we would never have gotten past the dating point. But here I am. On the other hand, I could have done a whole lot worse. So I go back and forth with this issue almost daily, like I need one more thing to think about!

We all have problems with our hubbies sometimes. I'm sure they feel the same way about us. I'm not defending them necessarily but we each have our baggage to carry and sometime it's hard to understand the opposite sexes opinion. We just don't see things the same way. There really is truth in the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus".

Financial problems sure don't make it better and sometimes men don't know how to react to sickness. As women we usually natural nuturers and we just handle it but men are lost... I even met a doctor one time in the ER who was telling me about his sick wife. He was a total JERK and he was a doctor for goodness sake. I guess you never know who can stick it out and who can't.

Take care everyone!

I agree Cris. It is like we are two different species

Anyways on to shelia. Shelia I have recently been blamed for hubby's checking account getting messed up. I too keep up the checkbook for him and well I told him the other day he ONLY had 8 left after he paid his bills. Well, would you know it we went one too many times to Wal-Mart...hubby's ideas...lol. Now he has been charged 2 overdrafting charges of . Not my fault I told him what he had left.

So, now we are short on money for next week. Hubby only gets paid every 2 weeks. We have yet to figured out how to spread his paychecks over 2 weeks...lol...with his old job he got paid every friday.

All of our financial problems are really starting to stress me out! I choose to do without so everyone else can have. For this week and next week my lunch & snacks will consist of roman noodles. It is a good thing we eat dinner at the in-laws other wise I would be eating roman noodles for dinner too. Hubby just does not understand how much I stress about money. That is why I complain I do not have anything to eat and then when we get to Freak-Mart I choose to not buy what I really want to eat. I will get everyone elses lunches, break foods and snacks, and baby food before I get mine. If I think we are going over my budget i have set in my head then I buy me nothing to eat for the 2 weeks. I will only eat one meal a day and that is up at the in-laws.

I know I should not go without food, but I do sometimes. Mostly because I want foods that cost or and I am the only who will be eating it. I would rather spend that much on something hubby and daughter will eat together.

Oh well, enough about me and my problems...lol.

Do not feel bad about making whiney posts that is what we are here for to "listen" to you, and besides getting all that off your chest will make less stress on you as well. As seen above...lol.

Oh and I do not have a loviong, caring , compassinate husband. So, if you ever want to compare notes...lol. Just email me I will respond.

jooniper2009-11-02 14:01:19

oh sheila i know exactly what you are going through. my husband and i have been going through the same things. because of all the financial problems we ended up having to move in with my father. and he doesnt understand that we cannot go and do alot of things which i hate having to say that. i hate admiting that i need help. i could go on and i but not sure how much you want to hear. just know that you are not alone. you are a great person sheila!!

shannon

this all sounds to familiar, i guess we aren't alone, my husband doesnt understand either, i ask for him just to rub my back and he is too tired, i always hear about money because since jan.05 i havent worked and was denied disability and ive appealed it. like its all my fault 2 teenagers that always need money, cant buy anything because of me. and he cant understand why i always have pain, this is the guy who has a cold and goes to bed for the day . and the last week and a half hasnt been easy i am in a major flare, i dont know if the humidity or the change of weather is doing it but i am getting no relief with pain pills or ice/heat. thanks for listening deb i know exactly what your sayin.. my hubby works for a painting/construction company and he always goes on and on about how his job is more phyically demanding ( i work for a mortgage company so in an office all day) and that he had to be out of the house by 5 am and that hes more tired at the end of the day then i am. ok in one way hes right his job is more phyically demanding but with this RA i get warn out very quickly. and hes the one that chose his profession. he doenst like being in an office so how is that my fault?

Joonpier, as far as bipolar goes.It is a mood disorder that can be confusing to understand.I can say for myself it started back when I was very young.(I hope no on will think I am a looney for sharing this)I had a serious breakdown was I was 18 and started hearing voices.Not the kind that were telling me to do things but much like a radio in my head with many different stations coming through.Of course my parents just put me in my room and ignored me just like when I quit eating and dropped down to 90 some pounds.(all apart of bipolar).My mania is not what some people think of as mania.It is not being hyper,excessive spending,hyper sexual...it is more feeling edgy,mind racing.I unfortunately suffer more from the depression.To be dx. with bipolar you must have had a manic episode and I have had some that were harmful to myself,along with the depression.Now that I am on a mood stabalizer that works for me I can focus better, don't have harmful thoughts about myself and can think clearer.Your neice sounds more like add but I am not a pscyh. by no means.I have talked to people who were manic and reacted the way she is reacting.Bipolar is about as hard to understand as ra.
I hope I have helped to answer your question.

Husband has gone to firestation this morning,gone for another 24 hours.I have mixed feelings about that.I pray to God he doesn't get hurt.Fortunately he is at a quiet station but I know to well that can change in a heartbeat.And you know in general fireman are very caring people,I know a bunch of them and they are some of the sweetest people.I mean they would put their lives on the line for a stranger and I don't doubt my husband would do the same thing especially for a child.I know he has compassion but it is shown to everyone else but me.I don't understand that.it's the same for our Christian family members.They will go out and help strangers,which is good don't get me wrong I am all for helping each other out,but when you ignore your own famalies needs it really bothers me.Makes me wonder how much of what they do is for show,to get approval from other church members or in husbands case other fireman.I am all about treating everyone equal.No games no pretending.No BS!Been through too much,feel too bad to play games and I feel my life is a game.If I play by my husbands rules,my parents rules I will get the love I so want but it has to be set by their rules.I have to be what they want me to be...not a sick lonely woman yet a strong wife/mother/daughter that can take care of everything and everyone and never need any help in return.Maybe I am playing games,I think I am.Sure sounds like I am playing their games and my own...I will be their puppet to get what I want so badly...love.But the older I get and the more I have to deal with the less I feel like playing along which is why I think I am so bitter towards my parents and my husband.Having depression/bipolar you learn to fake it so people won't know how bad you really are feeling in your mind.I think the same with RA, you pretend you are ok around others but here we can be straigh forward and I love that.I guess my pretending around my parents and husband have been my downfall.But I will say this and then shut up,I have had many heart to hearts with my husband about what I would like from him a far as hugs,asking me how was my day,talking about somehing other than him(I love to talk about world issues,read alot of stuff online).I know he doesn't know alot about the stuff I read but I don't understand alot about turning a bowl yet he wants me to come down and watch him so I can learn.And I play along with him and say"Sure!"I am SO screwed up in the head,am I even making any kind of sense?

Another long post,can't you tell I need someone to talk to.

I love you all for listening to me,I really do,
Sheila

Sheila136638593.2349421296

is this mania? the hyper,excessive spending,hyper sexual...?

If that would be my niece.

Sheilia, i too have Bi-polar. If you want to talk just send me a message.

We were within a week of foreclosure too a few times, and have not had a checking account in about 10 years due to bouncing checks. I made a decision that we were going to strictly cash/money orders and our $$ situation MUCH improved. If you bounce a check it costs that plus 30 in fees, plus 50 in bank charges. I don't HAVE 0 for a 20$ tank of gas.

I've been where you are..