For those of you who knew me or were around about a year ago you may remember that my husband and I were at a crossroads in our relationship. We decided to try and work things out, and over the past year we have had ups and downs but we have seemed to pull through. Well, this time I think we are finished. He went out drinking and running the roads again today. Left at 2 pm and came rolling in at 1am. This is the 3rd time in the last week that he has gotten drunk and I just wanted him to commit to not having this become a habit. He said he couldnt promise anything and that he probably was going to get drunk again in a few days. Nice huh? What it comes down to is that he can admit he is an alcoholic..and he likes it that way...I knew he was like this when I married him and so it is my fault if I just cant deal with it. So, there it is. Now in my defense, I started dating him when we were 19 and we married at 21.....we all were drinking back then. Thing is, I thought it was a phase that we would outgrow once we had kids. I did, he didnt...and neither did any of our friends.
Tonight we agreed on what bills we are splitting and for now I will pay the insurance on both vehicles and he will continue to cover me on his health insurance at work. He is going to stay here for a few weeks untill we get things sorted out. He still likes to think that this is about money and he honostly believes that during the time I was unable to work that I was out going to malls and going shopping...I dont know where he gets this stuff. He doesnt remember all that I did do..he only holds it over my head the fact that I couldnt work at the time. Even at that, I did make some money doing desk work for my mom for a few months during that time.
I know there are 2 sides to every story and I know I am not perfect...but why do I have to be the one to give in the the point of sitting back and letting him go out and party every other night? I can let it happen once in a while...but even every weekend is hard enough for me to deal with. In the end, his problem manages to make me look the one who is uncompromising, and like I am the one who should just shut up and deal for the sake of our marriage and our kids.
It is sad, it hurts, it breaks my heart...because I really love him and cant imagine being without him. I can imagine being alone either. I wanted to grow old with him. I know this is never supposed to be easy, how do you get through it? How do you survive seperation and divorce with 2 young kids? I worry for them, and I worry for me. I am almost 34 years old, I am overweight and I have a lifelong disease that freaked the hell out of the man who already loved me....how am I going to ever find real love again?
How do you do this, get through this? I just seems impossible.
Miles Crunchy, What did your friends at "your" forum, RASUSHI say that you should do? Just out of curiosity. One other thing, can you track right down to your members home address through their IP address that is privilidged to you from all that enter your rasushi forum? Just wondering!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LEV Thanks Miles...I know what you mean, and when I went back to work I felt pushed into it at the time...but I have suprised myself with what I can do..but what I cant do is 40-60 hrs a week every week and that seems to be what is being requested of me. Lev...At the time it was more or less just words of support similar to those of Miles. I know that many people, even without RA, go through this. I dont know that having RA makes it more difficult because after all..everyone has their problems in one way or another. In answer to the question about IPs, and addys...I dont think that the host site we use even askes for a home address when people register. For IP's, I dont know if there is access to that like there is here but I am not sure what I would even do with an IP if I found one. I am no computer wiz...I just come for the discussions! Crunchy, I am a computer whiz. Maybe you should ask Jvstin. LEV Wow, Ally...it is great that you found love again..and a good father for your kids. That is the most difficult thing to imagine, bringing anyone into my home with my kids. I am so protective of them...It just freaks me out, I mean how do you weed out the weirdos?? Scarey to say the leastYou need ta get a stamp and mail me some beads!
I have talked to Liz and she is getting phone and internet today (Thursday)....and yeah..I didnt forget about the beads...I even have them set out..I know I asked you this in another post but I cant find the postLike 7ish, but I'm supposed to call my mom. I don't remember why.....I'm sure it's semi-important though.
I havent talked to Liz tonight...but I already know what she is going to say...I know her too well.. Crunchy - I am sorry you are going thru this again. It never seems like men grow up until they are in there 60's and then when they hit 70 they revert back to being like a "kid" again. I hope everything works out for the best. Much hugs! hehehee.... well it can be done. My mom has not been with a guy since I was 2 and that was my dad. And my oldest sister, well... she has dated, but she really does not have time for a man, because she works so much. So she just works and take care of her adult kids and her grandkids. Both are fairly happy. My mom found religion. My sister dove into her work. Crunchy...I am so sorry that you are put in the situation of making this decision. This is the only advice I have. Stay strong for you, right now today. It will be a hard road and yes, you will have some bitter feelings....the important thing is to feel them and go on and carve a life for you and the kids you so dearly love. This is never an easy decision, but think of the modelling he is doing for your kids. They are watching and 90% of what they learn is "caught" not taught. Do you want him to continue to be influencing them on "this is how to live life?" There are worse things than to have this disease and start a new life. You are a strong women, and don't leave the strength you have and compromise with what you want with your life. The future will work itself out, it always does. Spend some time thinking about the steps in the next 6mo. 3mo, and the next week. YOu need to make sure you have a great lawyer, and you need to know exactly what you want out of this marriage...i.e insurance etc. You can do this, and you are the stronger person. Hang in there and I will be praying for you and your family! Take care of you and those babies...let your ex take care of himself. Hi crunchy - So sorry that you are having a tough time and about to make some tough decisions. You have given it your all and if your hubby wants to carry on drinking and partying then he will have to face the problems that come with it. Your kids will thank you in later years but for now its going to be tough on them, be honest with them with regards to their age level and reassure them that this isnt their fault and that they are loved no matter what. My sisters ex was a drinker and she left with 3 kids, it was hard no doubt about it but it was the best thing ever, her kids went through the ups and downs with her but are all grown up now and well rounded adults. They have a good relationship with their dad as my sister made sure they would. Have you tried marriage guidence, or is it too late for that. As for having a disease and being single, Its a feeling we get that no one will want us but you have a lot to offer should this happen later on down the line. Take care and stay strong Honey, until he admits he is an alcoholic you will be going around and around this tree. I also worry in situations like this if they are learning that it is ok to drink and someone will take care of you and then repeat what their father has done. It happens a lot. I grew up with an alcoholic dad, and I never saw him. I lived with his parents until I was adopted at 12. My siblings that stayed with him and watched their mom put up with all of the bs he dealt out and watched car after car being wrapped around telephone polls and tress. They are both drug dependant and one is a severe alcoholic. In fact at the ripe old age of 34 he has already destroyed his liver and lost his family. He cannot take his BP meds on a regular basis, because of his liver. It is a serious thing, and the example of it is huge. It is not easy to leave someone that you love and you know they can be better, but I often wonder if my siblings had not been around an alcoholic...would their lives look different. You can do this and in my humble opinion, you must! Ok... Ok... My mommy was an alcoholic all of my childhood and way before I was even born. She was a functioning alkie. I do not remember a time when she had stopped drinking. She use to drink with anyone who would drink with her. Mostly family and neighbors. She eventually stopped drinking when I was 11. She had gotten so sick from drinking, probably alcohol poisining. That she was hospitalized and I was told by my siblings that she almost died. I came home from school one day and my sister told me mom was in the hospital. I never visited her while she was in the hospital. I had already had enough of visiting people in the hospital... mainly my uncle who was another alkie and was slowly dying from drinking... his liver was shot. So... this thing is... it is true when they say the have to hit rock bottom, but most times it has to been hard enough to endanger their life before they give it up. Unless they are stubborn like my uncle, then they die from it. And as far as I can recall watching my uncle slowly die from cirrosis of the liver, it was some thing I would not even care to see again. Towards the end... he was not the same and just sat there and drooled and eventually fell into a coma and never woke up. I have seen probably thousands of patients with illnesses related to drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. As a matter of fact if people put those things away and started eating right...I would probably be out of a job! They certainly keep the ER's full. He does admit it..I only got him to that point about a year ago. He just claims that he likes beer and thats that. He is one who drinks roughly 3 times a week..and gets drunk at least once a week. He has ups and downs...sometimes he gets drunk and drinks more often...he definately uses it to cope with stress and anger, and sadness. He drinks despite what I would like him to do...and he rarely does anything for fun if beer is not somehow involved. It is no suprise that his fave sports include fishing and hunting..both of which involve a lot of beer drinking. I am not sure if he would go for counseling..but I guess it wouldnt hurt me and the kids to get some guidance one way or the other. PS...his parents are both alcoholics..as is most of his family...among other things. I should have known..our families are worlds apart. His parents were buying him beer at age 12 and as a teenager his mom was smoking pot with him. They are loving people who will do anything for him or anyone else...it is truely like they just didnt know any better.
Even if you don't believe or feel it, it will get better or easier I promise. Been there done that. Now I am with someone who I am praying it will be forever. He loves me even with my problems. I did spend years alone with my kids. After awhile I realized how much better it actually was. I no longer felt like I had to walk on eggshells. I wish you luck and sending prayers and good thoughts your way. Stay strong. Crunchy, this is so sad but you're doing the right thing. It's wrong to let your husband drag you and your children down to his personal hell. As the child of an alcoholic I can tell you that my mom leaving my dad was the best thing she could have done for me. My experience was similar to Janie's and you should never doubt for one minute that you're taking the right steps to protect your family. How lucky they are that they have a mom who's smart, determined and has the courage to follow through on what she knows is right. In some ways it will be harder for all of you, but the big picture will show a family who is stronger and healthier. And don't give up on the possibility of a new life with another man. There are many, many people in your situation who have found love again. But I have to tell you, you may find that you are totally comfortable with your single life and not even need a new partner, with or without the "ick" factor.
Edited to add: Nice, Lev. Kick a woman when she's down. What a sweetheart you are. You've made such interesting contributions to this board, why do you have to spoil it with anger and mean-spiritedness? Sweetie, trust me, yo are doing the right thing. Noone can MAKE anyone else change. He has to hit bottom, and admit he needs to change. I doubt he will. We see the type every week on COPS living with another drinker, ugly fighting, squabbling, all the while whining "But I looooove you, and baby its alll your fault." My first (very short lived) marriage was to a drinker, who became dangerously abusive within 3 days of our marriage. Yes I was young then, but I got out, actually worked 3 jobs and was making it. You can do it. The kids need you too. Are you ready boots? Start walkin!!
You know, leaving someone you have been with for forever is one of the hardest things you will ever do. Been there, done that and look! The world didn't stop spinning, I didn't die from heartbreak and a big, fat raincloud didn't start following me around on a daily basis. There's no point in hanging in there "for the kids" because they will notice that you're not happy and in a loving relationship. I'm pretty sure they pick up on the fact that Daddy's a drinker. Sure there are two sides to every story, but the bottom line is: if neither of you is happy, it's time to move on. Stay strong!
I would do anything for my children and have in the past and present. I will always be their mother. IT has taken my ex husband and I nearly 12 years to be able to speak civil to oneanother. When crunchy wrote ""If he wants to give up an honost, hardworking, loving, dedicated wife and mother of his children ...[]......more power to him. I know I deserve more respect than that."" That is basically the basis of it all. Truly. When my fiance' and I broke things off it was the same thing, if he wanted to lose a fully dedicated and loving partner that was in it for the long haul through thick and thin for whatever he thought was better...then so be it. HE might have found someone better, he may never find someone who did all I did ,only he knows that. One thing I do know is that nobody wants to be in a living situation where they are not wanted or not loved. Life is too short. People are human, they are not placed on the earth to perform super human acts for the livelihood of others. It takes compromise,perserverence and love...whatever happened to treating others as you want to be treated? Divorce is a huge expense, immensly stressful, people are basically extremely mean and hateful with horrible words attached, and it can be extremely lonely because not everyone wants to know or get involved. You lose friends, you lose what dignity you had, and it is darned hard to make ends meet financially.THe kids lose , they lose a stable home ( whether it was stabel to begin with or not) and they lose their parents and the role models they once had. On the flip side and speaking from my experience, it may be the only option you feel you have. You are ill with a disease and if that is not supported and concerned about, then your situation may only get worse. When I divorced, a huge weight was lifted but other troubles and stressors began and it didn't stop there. But that is the choice we made. Our children suffered immensly but they coped and they adjusted. I have to tell you though as with the breakup with my fiance' it was a hard road, still is. May always be. People do make mistakes. Some mistakes are forgiven others not. You have to worry about your health as we all do. Working with this disease is a nightmare at times, that is if you can even find a job in this economy. I feel for you I truly do. Life can be an enjoyable, loving experience. I know, I haev had that briefly. It is maintaining it that is the difficult part especially when RA flares and new health problems arise. hugs to you, prayers to help you make the best decision for you and your children. Prayers that your husband will understand and see the needs you have. jode I am with linncn with this. Maybe some time away will help. If you truly love the man than you have to do whatever you can, at the same time, you have to take care of yourself as well and do what is best for you. Maybe a break would be the answer. I truly hope you find some relief, going through what you are having to endure is very stressful. jode I happened to think of this scenerio that may or may not help you. If you can imagine some other woman in your kitchen, or any other spot in your home that was trulyyours, the one you helped build, the one you decorated and made a home nad the one place you enjoyed your family life ( mine was in the kitchen) then get seperated. Once you do not have that special spot, they home place you look at things a lot differently. I am hoping this may help you as you try to sort things out. Hugs, jode Crunchy, I'm soooo sorry that you're having to go through this. I can't offer to much advise other than this, first you must think of the impact that this is having on your kids and on you. It's not good for you and the kids if your husband and their father isn't giving you or them the sup, port and guidence that you and they need. Clearly, something needs to change. Don't be afraid to split up, if that is what it takes. Hopefully, the decisions that you make will become a wake up call for the hubby. If, he doesn't see this, then it's his problem, not yours. Sweetie, whatever you decided to do, we're here for you. Marisa I think that I am going to look into that, the Al-Anon..and maybe see if there is anything I can do to help him help himself. I dont know...I mean I know some people see it as just excuses, but there are so many factors here and the truth is that it's not the things that he does do when he is drinking, it is just the things that he doesnt do, namely the time spent with us. I would feel the same way I suppose if he was an avid golfer and always gone golfing or sitting in front of the TV 20 hrs a week watching sports...neither of which he is. No, it is not a good example for the kids but I talk to them about it all the time. I mean, how do you know when it is better to keep the family together? I know the kids will know if I am miserable or he is miserable...but even though there are times when one or both of us feel that way there are a lot of good times too. It is just a lot to consider...but Al-Anon may be a good place to start. Thank you for all your advice and support guys. It has helped me to make some decisions about the present and the future.
Go seek some counseling for YOURSELF anyways. It will help you make whatever decision you are going to make. Plus it will get you on the road to building that self esteem back up. I saw in your post how you talked about yourself and how unsure of yourself you are. You are a spiritual woman and I really feel that some pastoral type of counseling would do you some good. You might want to think about getting the kids some counseling too. All of this affects them even if they don't show it. You can make it if you guys did seperate for a bit. You make good enough money and he would have to pay you child support. I know you love him very much, but maybe you have to think about even tho I love you...this relationship at this point is toxic for EVERYONE and we need a break to get everything back on track to a HEALTHY relationship. Just how much damage to yourself can you take? How much damage can the kids take too before it really affects how they behave when they become adults? I loves yas girlie! I will always support you no matter what decision you make!
It will be hard as I am sure you realize but I also agree it will eventually be better for both you and the kids.
I am facing a similar situation. Not so much the drinking part although my hubby does drink too much but not to the extent of yours. We have been married 9 years and when I was in the hospital recently he wrote me a very brief letter saying he wanted to separate. He says I am selfish, depressing and that he does not want to be a caregiver.
We are both going to counseling and on occasion go together and he now says he wants it to work out but I am not sure what the future holds.
I too think about being single at 37 with a chronic disease. I don't have any kids so I guess that makes it a bit easier but also more lonely.
You have been working at your relationship at least a year now and it doesn't seem to be getting a whole lot better. It might be time to start putting your affairs in order. Just do it one thing at a time, one day at a time as not to get too overwhelmed.
Love and hugs
Dear Crunchy,
I don't have anything to add other than it is such a shame for everyone involved and I hope you can get through this with the understanding that it is best for you and your children. We have friends who have divorced and have gone through the wormhole and come out on the other side happier and others who are still devasted by the journey. Try to take care of yourself and your kids will be the better for it. If your husband grew up in a drinking home he will probably never see the downside of his own drinking. I wish you all the best.So sorry crunchy. I know that you are strong and will get thru this, but it's always the children that suffer. Somehow they blame themselves and it changes their life forever.
You and your children have been added to my prayer list.
but could not. I just want to say that I'm so sorry that you are having to
go through this. I found my husband in bed with my best friend the day
after I graduated from college. My girls were 2, 6 and 7. I lived in
student housing and had not taken my boards yet. I had to move out in
less than 30 days. So, there I was. No job, no place to live, couldn't get
another place to live without a job, no money, I had a beat up car but at
least it ran. It was probably the lowest point of my life and fortunately I
had a wonderful family who helped me out financially while I got my life
squared away. So, I really can relate to what kind of turmoil a person can
be in when facing the death of their marriage. I raised the girls for the
next 10 years. Was the best thing I ever did. I came to realize how bad
my marriage was. I devoted that 10 years to my kids. It was hard. I'm
not saying it wasn't. But, they turned out wonderful and two are great
little parents to their kids. You are going to have many ups and down in
the next months to come. The best solution would be for him to quit
drinking and try to work on things, but if he can't, you cannot go on in a
bad relationship that only brings you and your kids down and prevents
you from living the life that is good for you and the kids. You are in a
much better situation than me in that you are already a professional and
have a job to support the kids. It WILL work out. You have already faced
so many adversities, that this may be easier than you think. I know how
you are hurting right now. A divorce is worse than a death because it is
like the door is closing, but does not latch. Hopefully, you and your
husband can keep your relationship cordial and avoid much of the
bitterness that can take place with divorce. (mine was very bitter and the
kids suffered as a result) The kids will fare far better if the two of you can
decide what is best for the kids. Also let the kids know that it is not their
fault. Eventually the kids will adapt and may even be better off because
they are not living in a home with anger and fighting. Please keep us
posted and know you can vent. I sure wish I would have had internet in
those days. I eventually met a man who loves my kids and is a better dad
to them than my X. It all worked out and I look back and know that it
was meant to be and he did me a favor. Oh, and by the way, I was
overweight too. Not all men want a perfect 10. Hugggs from me. Lori
Copyright ArthritisInsight.com