What Special Thing Do You Do? | Arthritis Information

I was just responding to Mrs.A's recent thread and it got me to thinking about how so many of us worry about being a burden to our loved ones, especially spouses who have to deal with our limitations on a daily basis. Is there anything special you do to try and show your appreciation or to try and make up for what you feel are limitations in your relationship due to your illness? Maybe we can benefit from some of your ideas. Anybody? I never take my BF for granted, and when I can do stuff I make sure I do it. I
also believe him when he says he likes taking care of me. I guess I don't do
anything special, but I do make sure he knows he's appreciated. I also don't
make everything about me. Even when I'm preoccupied with my own
problems I take the time to really listen to what's going on with him. I also
make deals with him like if we go to a concert and I want to leave 'cause I'm
hurting that he won't feel bad about staying without me. That way he doesn't
have to miss out and I don't stay in discomfort just so he won't have to leave.

I'm happy to say that at this point in my life I haven't need a lot of taking
care of, so I don't know how useful that is in the long run, but I do feel like
we have a very solid relationship.At the risk of repeating myself...

Flash, mi espousa, has not found a good fit with his forced role of caregiver and, as a result, our relationship has inexorably and irrevocably changed. We remain best of friends and still care deeply for one another, but sickness has dulled the sparkle and tarnished the romance. We have both had to develop new degrees of patience and daily we work on our level of consideration and understanding. New perspectives are hard won and can be costly to relationships no matter the firmness of their foundations and patience, being a virtue, is never easy to find and is always difficult to maintain.

FWIW. Happ

Jesse - sorry, I totally missed the point of your post, and I read the topic line and missed the point in your first post. Sorry. Frain bog.

Now that I am doing so much better, I am pouring it on to my fantastic husband because we were married only 5 months when I starting getting sick 8 years ago. For second marriages, a heck of a start and he has been a rock. Just not acting sick and being able to participate again in daily activities and being very very very kind and loving to him, instead of being wrapped up in being sick has worked wonders. I am blessed. Cathy

justsaynoemore39473.7171180556I encourage my DH to do things he enjoys, even though I can't do them anymore. It would have been nice if he had stayed home today and cleared all his stuff off the couches, instead of snow machining. Or leaving younger DD and I home alone for 3 weeks, so he could travel around Europe with older DD this past Dec., and when he got back I didn't mention a single honey do, until he'd been home a couple days. We've been together 29 years, at the beginning I was so strong, we worked side by side clearing our property and building our home and I know this isn't the way either of us would have thought it would turn out.

This one is so hard to answer for me. With Justin being sick too, we bounce back and forth in the role of caregiver.

That being said, we DO still have our tiffs and arguments and what not. We ain't perfect. There are times when he feels like he's a burden to me, and vice versa. I think, for us, it just took time and a lot of "laying all the cards on the table" for us to understand each other, and our needs.

The most theraputic talks and "arguments" we've ever had have been when we just spit it ALLLLL out and talk about it. The most damaging times, have been when we kept our true feelings inside.

Luckily for me, my family is lazy :)

My husband pays all the bills, does the shopping etc. but he likes me to help. So, we always go to a store that has a riding buggy if i need it and we shop together, or i hop in the truck while he makes all his stops to pay the bills.

At home we joined netflix, we started watching a tv show that started years ago, so we are renting old years to catch up on what we missed and watch those in spare time together.

He is also into online RPG games like world of warcraft, so i made a character and play when he logs online.

If he works on the yard, i get the ice tea (if we have it) and bring it outside and sit on the poarch and keep it away from bugs for him, if he BBQs, i sit outside and chat with him while he cooks.

I do my best to at least be there through everything I can so we have a relationship instead of sitting in one room all day.

So far, out of about 3 years, he hasn't complained once except when i was really sick and he said he missed me riding with him to pay the bills and shop.

This is good stuff. Keep it coming.

If both partners are dealing with a chronic illness, I can see how it would be a double burden, but at the same time, it must take some of the "feeling like a burden" pressure off when the less ill partner has to take over and help the other. I sure wouldn't wish illness on my husband, but it would make me feel so much better to be able to do something to help him when he needed it. Maybe that's the way our loved ones feel some, if not all, of the time. I'd like to think they feel protective, needed and valued and that it makes them feel good about themselves. A positive spin on a tough situation.

I, too, often feel like a burden to my Love. But he doesn't want me to feel that way. He says I took care of him for twenty years and now he is helping me. But he wasn't ill when I took care of him and my family. It was just something I've always done.

Over the years, I've tried not to say how bad I feel that he has to do all the things I used to do. He doesn't want me to feel bad.. He says that is what we do...help each other when we need it.

One of the most important things we do is that we both say "I Love You" many times a day. When he leaves for the golf course or whatever, I always tell him I love him and he says he loves me. He always calls on his way home from anywhere to see if I need anything and we say we love each other before we hang up, always. I thank him for dinner when he cooks for me, which is almost daily. We say I Love You, after dinner and when I go to lie down; when we go to bed .

He goes to all my appts. with me because he wants to. My doctors know us as a couple and ask about him if something keeps him from being there. We just try to accept my limitations and not make a big deal of it all the time. He says I'm still me. He just hates to see me in pain. We have cried together, when I was scared or if we got an especially frightening bit of news.

These are just ordinary things that people who love and respect each other, do. I'm sure many of you can relate to this.

This is a good thread. It's good for us to share with each other.

Hugs to all, Nini

My DH has never complained about my lack of participation in life. I've complained much more than he has. He's been my legs, my hands, and sometimes my brain. He's taken the time to educate himself about the diseases and knows medically what I've gone through. It's been very difficult for me to ask for help, I've always been the caregiver, the helper, the shoulder to cry on, and the counselor. He realizes that I try before I ask for his help. I always try no matter how I feel and sometimes I surprise myself and succeed and don't have to ask for help. He's been my motivation as I go from drug to drug seeking remission. I want to be better so that I can participate in our life and now I'm able to. He's kept me focused on staying healthy so that when remission comes along I'll be able to fully participate. Now that remission is here I realize how much he's done for me and I try and show and tell him how much I've appreciated what he's done and given up due to my illnesses. My son by my first marriage said it best, "I admire that man more than anybody else I've ever met" and that's exactly how I feel about my DH. I was diagnosed with severe RA 3 years after we got married. So much for the honeymoon period!! Lindy

Oh Nini! yes! Saying "I love you"

It seems small, but it's SOOO important.

When I was about 14, my parents and I ate dinner at a friends house. They had just gotten married about a week before, and they were SO CUTE. They said "honey" and "i love you" and had their own little prayer before they ate dinner every night. They were very sweet and loving.

My mom (being who she is!) said "well that won't last long. That kind of stuff always dies out the longer you've been together"

Now don't get my mom wrong, my parents VERY VERY much love each other. They just aren't the type to say it 20 times a day. Or a week. Or even a month. But there is no doubt in my mind, or anyone else's that they VERY much love each other.

Anyway, I knew at that moment, that I didn't want to be like that. I wanted to be 80, and still waking up and saying "goodmorning! how are you?" and leaving the house saying "I love you, be safe"

So far, after three years, we're still at it!! And Justin feels the same way, so thats good too. :)

What a nice thread.

I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for DH. He helps me out so much. Just tonight, cooking dinner, he tells me to "go sit". He know's I'm having a rough day today. But, me being me, I'm going to at least try to help. I couldn't do it all...but I didn't want him to either. We both worked today, and had busy "half" days. Why should he do it all?

Every morning and evening it's goodnight, with a kiss. (In our almost 3 years of marrage) Since we have been married, I feel like I've been sick almost the whole time. Bad back, shingles, knee surgery, and now my unexplained joint pain (blah blah blah). Poor guy!! I love him to death, and to this day, we haven't had a fight! Disagreements, yes, but never a full blown fight. We are too much alike for that. I just wish I found him 18 years ago!!

This has been very enlightening. One of the main things I took away from this is that the small things really count and turn out to be very, very big in terms of importance. And doing several of those small things in return for our loved ones can really help to balance out the things they do for us. I think this makes both parties feel better. And saying "I love you" often shows how much you appreciate them. These are all so important for us to remember. There are many good things to learn from you all, the veterans and the newbies and everyone in between. We all share similar struggles, maybe in different degrees, but basically the same one way or another. I've learned some valuable hints that I can use to strengthen my relationship. I hope others have too. I had a lump in my throat reading about some of the wonderful people in your lives. How blessed you are.

Mark is an angel. He is exteremely supportive. He worries about me, but knows exactly how to worry.. if that makes sense. He does what we call dawn patrol, every weekend orvacation morning he gets up early with the little guy so I can sleep in.

I try to show my appreciation by making sure he has a nice hot dinner every evening, either home made or at our favorite cafe (we go out without the kids.) I also make sure to let him nap when he needs to... man can that guy nap..lol

The other thing, I get up and make him breakfast every single work day of the regular school year. I have done this for 34 years. Some mornings the eggs fall out of my hands, some mornings its all I can do to get him coffee and toast, but for 45 minutes or so in the morning I am there with him as he starts his day. I started when we were first together because he was a police officer and I knew each day might be the last time I saw him, so I made sure it started out right.

I also tell him I love him.. often.

[QUOTE=grammaskittles] he is my snuggleuppergus
[/QUOTE]

Liz, if you ever use that word again I swear I will beat you with a wet noodle!!!!

Mwuahahaha