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First I should say that I do not have ra, but I have been seeing this guy that has jra.  We are both 27.  To make a long story short we met by accident...I don't think either one expected to make a connection like we have.  He has never been in a relationship before and never expected to.  He says he doesn't want to "put it on someone else."  I can't seem to make him understand that it doesn't bother me.  It bothers him too much and he doesn't think he has something to offer me.  We have been seeing each other for almost a year and it seems to bounce back and forth.  Its like he can't let me go, yet he wants to push me away.  I'm just so frustrated and confused.  I was hoping that other people with ra could give me some advice...is this normal?  Should I walk away?   I'd get down on my knees with a male wedding ring, and ask if he would please marry me.  Sometimes the woman has to take the initiative.  And insist of continuing couples counseling the entire great marriage.  Be sure to keep up one outlet where you go out with good girlfriends and gab.  Good luck, as that connection is beyond price because it is so rare.  Cathy

I guess I would say to you that YES!!  If you love him it's absolutly worth it to stick with him.  I would say to both of you that it's a great thing to find someone who loves you in spite of you flaws and to not let that go.  Even if he didn't have JRA, you would face challenges as a couple, all couples do.  Give and take is what keeps them going.....you might carry him when he's down and he will do the same when you are.

Maybe you could visit his doctor with him and discuss what are the realistic obstacles that might be in front of you.  That might ease his mind and also he will know that you really understand what kinds of things you might have to face. If he knows you know and STILL want only him, forever, maybe he'll be able to "break down that wall".
Linncn2008-02-10 14:23:12

As far as I'm concerned, it's either there or it isn't regardless of RA.  I do understand though if he wants to make sure you  really understand how things are with him and where they may lead, etc.  But to have him push you away at times but not want to let you go makes me think of a couple of things.

1.  Would I want to be with someone who is one way one day and another way a few days later?  That would bother me too much. 
2.  Is it really the RA?  Or is he using having RA as a way to push you away for other reasons?  But keeping you still thinking there's a possibility in case he decides he wants you back?  In other words, stringing you along in case what he's after doesn't work out.  I dunno..just seemed to think that when I read your post. 
Good Luck
You could also suggest to him that you found this great support site for people with RA and that he might want to check it out.  And when he does, we will tell him that he is a person, not a disease, and deserves a relationship with a wonderful, understanding person.Kate22...

When my husband and I met, we were both the picture of health.  Two years later, he had a massive heart attack (he's doing OK now Kate22,
 
In a lot of ways, I can understand where he is coming from.  I was dx'd with RA just 3 months after I had got married.  It hit over night, and really knocked me for a loop.  It tore my husband and I apart...he wanted to help in every way he could (to the point that he helped too much), and I was afraid that he now looked at me in a different way, that I had become a disease and not 'me', and that he didn't deserve to be 'stuck' with someone with the limitations that I was having.  It tore us apart...to the point of divorce.  However, being on my own, I was able to finally accept my RA dx, and realized what I had lost.  And we are actually back together now.
 
I guess what I am trying to get at is for you to make sure he knows that you love him for him, that he is much more then just a man with RA.  I am guessing that maybe he has not dealt with the RA and is probably scared that one day you will wake up and ask 'what am I doing with him'. 
 
Like the others have said, I would assure him that you understand what his RA is, offer to go with him to the dr and learn what he might be facing, and welcome him to check out the boards.  This board is great, and there are others out there too.  I have just started a site for those with RA, but also for family members and friends with RA.  There is information there to try and help those without RA understand what we go through, there is a support group which includes a section specifically for family members and friends.  I invite you to check it out too at www.tenderjointsraised.com  I almost let RA get between what was really important to me, and I wanted to create a place to help those avoid the mistakes I made.
 
But, from someone who almost lost the one true love of her life to RA, I would say if that is the only barrier in your relationship, then it is well worth it to stick it out.  We are all worth so much more then what this disease may limit us to in the physical sense...and one day he will realize that.
 
I wish you the best, and hope you two can work it out.
 
Deb
Jaz, TJ~  I like your stories, they're so sweet.Thank you for all your advice.  I have a lot to think about...nobody said anything that my friends haven't!! You didn't say how long your boyfriend had JRA, but having a chronic disease while you're growing up, makes it become part of who you are. Most of the people here were healthy before they got RA and I'm not dissing the other members, but having once had a "normal" life as opposed to always having had a chronic disease that impacts how you see yourself, are two very different places to be coming from. You said you are his first girlfriend, so it sounds like he's pretty much already decided he's not worth the effort, so it will be on you to convince him to see himself in another light. I became type 1 diabetic when I was 12. I was not going to get married or have children, because I would be dead in 30 years, my mother convinced me to persue a degree where #1 I would have health insurance because I would need it. And then life changes your mind. I have a great DH, who has worked at a job he doesn't like very much so we can have health insurance, so we could have two great kids and I didn't die 10 years ago. I don't know how you can convince your boyfriend that he isn't worth the effort, but if you think he is worth it, give it a chance.
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