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Prayers are going up for you too!
If I knew you lived around the corner or close to it, I'd be around to lend a shoulder for you to cry on.
Keep on keeping on.
With love.........
Snowowl..The med isn't working as well as it should be. Also from reading her posts cordelia's depression goes far past the simple anti depresive stage. She really needs professional mental health treatment. If you can't cure the physical problem she needs to learn coping mechanisms to keep her mentally healthier than she is right now.
I just woke up here in AU.
It's 7.35am and like I mothers I am straight school preparations so I can't even
answer properly for a few hours nor have I even had time to take in the info, but I will
by about lunchtime here.
It's like since this last flare
happened, I am going through these huge purges of loss and grief. Every few days
it just keeps happening. Obviously it's something I need to do but from last
night you can see how rough it is. I must have howled for four hours...and still
fell asleep crying.
This morning I feel better but am
aware that it may happen again.
I need to go through this purge/loss/grief thing. I believe it's the only way I can get to the other side...wherever that is.
Yes, I am depressed but my doctor says not clinically. This purge/loss/grief thing is from being in the place I am physically, from being in so much pain constantly. My doctor knows it not clinical because if I am well RA wise, not in pain, not fatigued, not crippled...I am not depressed. She used to control this stuff for me with a mood stabiliser but there are not many of them available. The one she had my on gave me Odema and I had to come off it...the other's side effects are so bad I won't touch them...so now I am getting to feel the immense loss as the feelings aren't being controlled by drugs.
I am already on an effective anti depressant for anything clinical that may be there...but my doctor truly believes this is purely RA related only. I am already in counseling as I believe it is a essential to helping with the loss and adjustments RA brings.
The loss that RA has brought into my life has been shattering. I was a highly independent competent woman. I used to work with teenagers who lived on the streets...thought nothing of managing a household of ten of them...I worked in refuges for women & kids escaping domestic violence...I have written books and for the last five years I can hardly dress myself, barely walk to the kettle to put it on. This stuff is just so, so difficult to adjust too. It's a hard, long process.
All that is in place already. It just seems that the purging/loss thing is necessary. Maybe when I have gotten though it, a new place of acceptance will happen for me.
This was so hard to post. Very, very, very hard. Thank you Inner, for recognising that.
Bodak, thank you for your kind thoughts too.
I love you all. Thank you for being here.
Much Hugs, Cordy. Don't stop living Cordy...you can work your way past this for Neve.What a wonderfully honest and passionate expression of the pain and suffering that you feel is consuming your life right now. It is refreshing and hopeful that you can face your brokeness so courageously and express it so eloquently. I truly believe that you can find healing in such stark, bare honesty. I want to join the "I am broken" club. The title suits me just fine. I can see the brokeness in my own life, first through the horribly draining experience of my son's illness, and now my own. But it's OK...my eyes are wide open and I can clearly see that it doesn't matter...my life has lost none of it's value and neither has yours. I work with homeless teenagers at a drop-in center. Just about every one of them comes from a broken home where they were rejected or abused by their parents...or the often sterile environment of a foster home. Their lives have been shattered because their parents couldn't love them unconditionally. Your illness doesn't stop you from loving your daughter unconditionally, and that's the most important thing you can give her. I learned that over many painful years with my son....nothing else even comes close to mattering as much...and this disease can't take that love from you. You are the most important thing in her life and that will never change. Even your brokeness has value because it peel away all the superficial stuff that so often clutters our life and hides what really matters.
You are an inspiration to me! I will pray for you and your daughter.
Alan Alan2008-02-11 17:04:56Cordelia
The prayer I promised:
Heavenly Father
I call on you right now in a special way.
It is through your power that I was created. Every breath I take, every morning I wake, and every moment of every hour I live under your power.
Father, I ask you now to touch me with that same power.
For if you created me from nothing-surely you can recreate me.
Fill me with the healing power of your spirit.
Cast out anything that should not be in me.
Mend what is broken.
Root out any unproductive cells.
Open any blocked arteries or veins and rebuild any damaged areas.
Remove all inflammation and cleanse any infection.
Let the warmth of your healing love pass through my body to make new any unhealthy areas so that my body will function the way you created it to function.
And Father, restore me to full health in mind and body so that I may serve you all the rest of my life.
I ask this through Christ Our Lord. Amen
I hope this helps you as much as it helped me.
Ben's Brother - Carry On
When you're lost, and you're lonely
And your only way is up
When your day rises from you
Like a mountain to its top
Look beside you, and you will find me
I will guide you, when your will is gone
So carry on, carry on, carry on
What ever comes, and however painful, however long
When your hope has been denied you
I will walk beside you, carry on
All my life has been a battle
Fought within me with myself
You always know what the truth is
But the trick is to know yourself
I looked around me in the darkness
And you found me when there was no one else
So carry on, carry on, carry on
Whatever comes, and however painful, however long
When your hope has been denied you
I will walk beside you, carry on
Let me count the ways that I love you
Let me count the days that we have known
Show me a place to be with you
Cos I can't do this on my own, on my own
So carry on, carry on, carry on
What ever comes, and however painful, however long
When your hope has been denied you
I will walk beside you, carry on
So carry on, carry on, carry on
Whatever comes, and however painful, however long
When your hope has been denied you
I will walk beside you, carry on
When your hope has been denied you
I will walk beside you, carry on
**Listen to it here: http://www.myspace.com/bensbrothermusic
Listen to the love here and feel it in your heart. If you can inspire this across the internet, imagine the inspiration you are to your child.
Best wishes from someone you have inspired.
- Joy
Joy2008-02-11 17:52:07I too worry about my son. He is 4, and like you, I am a single mom as well. When his dad walked out when I was pregnant-I actually thought about adoption. I figured, what kind of mom could I be? I am proud to say, I am a awesome mom. You are too! You are giving your daughter a wonderful example of what a person can overcome. You are someone to be admired. Honestly, as a teacher, I see tons of kids in different situations. The kids that I have that come from a home where there is a chronic illness of some sort are the most empathetic(sp?) kids I have. They are not a self-centered as their peers. They have more drive. Yes, it is hard. There are many days I wonder how I am going to get breakfast, both of us dressed and out the door by 7:00. I have caught myself snapping at Nathan, when really it is because I hurt. I always make time to cuddle with him at night-we both curl up in his bed and read stories. These are my favorite times-plus I am off my feet!
You will emerge from this down time as a stronger mom. Make sure your dr.'s know that you are a single parent. You have a much different difinition of "daily living" then most. See if there is something that they can do. It is just a matter of finding the magic combination for you. It will happen...Cordelia, my heart is with you. The only good thing about hitting rock bottom, is that there isn't any further to go. I, too, am honored with your trust to post in such an honest way. Take care ~~ CathyCordy, sometimes faith and hope are the only thing you can hold on to. Remember the footsteps in the sand poem? God is always there with you, sometimes you may not always realize it but He's there. You are going through a tough spot right now but I truly believe you will pull through. You have a daughter that wants her mommy sick or healthy. Either way in her eyes you are everything to her. Keep doing it for her. You can do it, girl! Everyone's rooting for ya!
take care Cordy, When I had post traumatic stress dissorder I just didnt want to live anymore. My body had been to hell and I felt thats where I was. I tried to take my own life in many ways,wishing I had never come out of the coma.My family didnt understand why I wasnt grateful to be alive after what I had been through but they never knew how hard it was for me just living each day in extreme pain. It was when my daughter fell pregnant that the depression began to lift. I had a reason to live.(A grandchild ) Family is everything to me and I know now how much they all needed me. Just like Neve needs you. And you especially need her. I started writing my feelings down and making sure everyday there was something I was glad to be alive for. Even if it was seeing rain or a rainbow, even a butterfly. Children see the awe in everything. take yourself back and start seeing that awe again. It truly is a beautiful world. PS Remember you were here before and found it truly hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but you did get there and I know you will again, reach out wherever you can and if posting helps, post away. Everyone cares about you and are waiting on tenterhooks to hear that you are ok again, please give us that news.
Cordy, honey, for me hang in there please. I know the place you are going and I know it because I am going there quickly. Please for that beautiful little girl hang on to life.
She loves you and to her you are NOT broken to her you are MUM! To her you are the sun, moon and stars, and really she probably does not know that it should not be any other way. I bet she took the little ray of sunshine in the form of three weeks and charished it, but I bet she charishes every time she climbs on your bed for a little cuddle. She also charishes the fact that you put her first in every way...she sees it and knows it. She is a smart little cookie, and for her the time will get easier, because in a couple of years she can help with the tasks of washing up after dinner or even making dinner as my DD did tonight.
I can't help but think that in a world where kids are catered to so much that ours will be stronger, wiser, and more compassionate, because they have had to learn those things. So, I say to you my dearest friend....hold on...the best will come not on a roaring wind but in the laughter of your precious little daughter!Cordy, I hope you're still back here and reading, even if not posting. Don't forget that goal...not to withdraw. Conquer that one and you're on your way! Just keep moving forward a little bit at a time.
No, Suzanne. I'm here. Meant to tell you before that 'it's a deal'.
Yesterday just got busy, I had counseling, then I had to nap because of RA, then picked up Neve and into town to the bank & dinner with my parents. Home at 7.30pm, Neve to bed then fall into bed myself exhausted.
A usual day for a parent, single or partnered.
Love you, Cordy!! Hi Sweetie, I'm sorry I haven't posted sooner. I've been down the past four days and just haven't felt like doing anything. I feel like I've let you down when you were reaching out. But you have been on my mind so much, since I first read your post.
You write with such feeling, it touches my soul. I wish I had the ability to express myself as well as you do. Cordy, you have so much to offer to your precious little one and to each of us as well. I'm sure the time you spend with Neve is very important to her and she will grow up to have the wonderful gualities her Mommy has.
I hope you are feeling better. You can see by the outpouring of love you have received, that you are very important to so many.
Be well, dear Cordy. My heart is with you.
Gentle hugs and many blessings,
Nini Cordy, hun, you made me smile on a not-so-great day. I hope you make it back for your proper post, but if not, just knowing you're around is a good thing!
Yes, I just thought I would let you all know I was okay and around just in amongst all this I have all this 'normal' stuff I have to do, like phone calls and Neve and housework etc.
Emotionally though, I do think I am feeling better and ironically, I am not in as much pain nor as fatigued, my two main symptoms, since I let all that out the other day in that post. It is very bizarre.
I often think brokenness is a very transformative place.
Cordy, I'm sorry I haven't been around much lately, but after reading your post, I just knew I could not go to sleep tonight without responding. You are such a wonderful and insightful person, Neve has been blessed to have you as her mummy. You write with such eloquence and describe a darkness that most of us have fallen into at one time or another. You are right. RA robs us of so very much! I too, have wondered if my children would be better off without me, for I am broken as well...physically and mentally. I used to be such a great dynamic mom for them and their friends, and now I feel like a burden. The one thing I have found that helps more than pain meds and doctors is getting out of the house. I was spending too much time with my my thoughts and wallowing in misery. My nights are filled with more pain (if that's possible) because I am trying to work and my hubby is sleeping in the spare room because he says I toss and turn and moan in pain when I sleep. I don't know what the right answer is, but we have to have faith that things will get better.
We all love you very much, so please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
many hugs!
Deb
I am still here. This is a check in or Inner glow will get me.
Cordelia2008-02-13 06:11:30You're right....I'll get ya if I have to!
And...you still are a strong, capable, competent, self-assured woman. Just one with a lot more to deal with.
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