long, but I think it's worth it...
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on
envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs
sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
(Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th
time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the ,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about
my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's
novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their
chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my
prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make
a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink
Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy
gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't
crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no
longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And
thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore
because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no
longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because
someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer
receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in
disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't
support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer
the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a
phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I
no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their
recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites
my butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up .00 I
dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer
drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you
don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a
large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and
the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy
hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next
door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
Oh, by the way.....A South American
scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with
insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!!!
--
Good friends are like stars…you don't always see them,
but you
always know they are there.