OT Mom in law advice needed | Arthritis Information
Ok, we love her of course, but can't stand being with her.
She is the type of person that only wants you around when she needs something, always constantly insults you in any way she can etc. etc. not fun to be around at all. She has been this way to her kids and others her entire life.
Anyway, she has CIDP a paralizing disease, but is still doing pretty ok right now. She lives on her own as well.
Well, she lives like a pig, never throws out garbage, eats badly etc. Doesn't take care of anything and from what i understand, she has been that way her whole life.
Ok, now down to the point......
She is having financial problems which is dumb. Her phone is cut off and she buys a cell phone that costs more. She says she has trouble paying bills etc. but shops QVC ALL THE TIME spending 0 here and there for facial cream etc.
She is in debt cuz she puts herself there.
She wants us to co-sign for a loan, but we won't cuz she has enough money for bills, but goes out to eat and buys QVC all the time.
I don't know what to do. She is driving her life horribly into the ground and is trying to pin it all on us.
With my health, my kid's allergies etc. we just don't have the energy to deal with her.
Oh, and on valentines day we told her to look for a delivery guy as a gift was coming, it didn't arrive so she calls saying thanks for the phone book with a horrible attitude cuz it was the only thing on the porch that came. When the flowers arrived later, she never ever called to say thanks and she got mad cuz she had to wait for the delivery guy.
She is soooooo mean all the time and we try to spend time with her but even our kid doesn't want to.
I don't know what to do cuz we are the only family she has here and we just don't want to deal with her anymore.
Oooooh that's difficult. My MiL is a devout catholic. Her kids (my hubby and SiL), feel guilt for everything due to their upbringing. She is lovely but has an amazing ability to reduce them both to bickering, quivering wrecks. She was widowed 3 years ago, cant drive and is very dependent on her family, accordingly, she was given a lot of support (which is right and just) and a lot of slack.
SiL calls when MiL has upset her and so it goes around and around. I sat hubby and SiL down and told them that the only way to deal with her was up front and out in the open. There was no point getting upset, stressed and anxious about 'who was going to do what, say what'. There are nice ways to say 'no more, we're not doing it, we're here for you but so that it fits in with everyone'.
That's pretty much what we did. We all went down to MiL's explained nicely that we all talk to each other (she did the playing one off against each other thing), that we all work long hours, that we will take her shopping, to any doctors appts., etc etc but that it would have to fit in with our busy lives. She didnt like it but we dont give in (even when we feel we should) to her demands. She has to fit in with us or not at all. We all agree its a bit like having a stroppy teenager in the house, and you wouldnt give in to one of them would you?
You will reach a point where you have to speak to her about her behaviour. It wont be easy but she needs to be made aware of what you are prepared to put up with and what you're not. Communication is the key. And if all else fails, you will know that you've done your best by her.
How does your husband feel about this behavior? How old is she? Are there other children? You probably can't change her, but your husband probably needs to set up some ground rules for how she treats your family if she's going to expect you to have contact with her and if she doesn't treat you with respect and kindness, then cut her off. You guys don't have to feel guilty because she's a member of your family that's not a free pass to treat you badly.
I am so sorry you have to deal with this on top of the other troubles. When you said you wanted your mommy, I'm sure this isn't what you had in mind!
I know it can be especially difficult when you feel you are her only family and resource around. Is there any way to get her involved with a financial planner or other professional to help her straighten out her own mess, without you guys being the ones to "force her into it"?
I'm also wondering if she's having emotional difficulties. If I extrapolate quite a bit here...I know I sometimes have trouble because I don't want to ask for help all the time, but at the same time I really need the help. Maybe in her life (as opposed to her finances), she is lonely and needy, but ends up pushing you away because she hates the position she's in, especially with the illness? Maybe that's a stretch, maybe not. Some people have deep troubles that cause them to act out, and others, well, I believe some people are just mean or don't know better.
Anyway, I wish you luck. I hope at least that you and your spouse are on the same side, because I know in-laws can really mess with a marriage.
All her family died except her two sons. One lives about 3,000 miles away and we are here.
My husband always tells her to stop being rude, she then is nice for 6 months, gets on depression pills and starts it all over again.
She is about 55 yrs old.
We can't get her to call the plumber to fix her two broken toilets. She won't do anything and could really care less about it.
She has been this way her entire life.
We tried repairing her house, cleaning it etc. but it is honestly just as bad the next week, we don't know how she can do what she does.
We have told her about her bills and stuff but she won't listen.
Luckily for me, he feels the exact same way as I do, so we dont' have any marital stress with it.
She is definately someone who is mean to the core and is only happy when unhappy.
Bubba- You can only help those who want to help themselves, you need to tell her how things are affecting you, do it in a nice , gentle way, if that doesnt work be blunt. It sounds like she spends too much time with only her mind for company, cant she join a senior citizens club and maybe by socialising she would leave you alone.
I agree with Deidre, but would like to add one thing. Would she be open to your husband sitting down with her and going over her finances? If they could make a budget she would see on paper where all her money's going and then maybe they can set up an allowence from her own money that she could spend each month on QVC. You would be helping her help herself and she might really like that feeling of independence.
I tihnk we will need to go over her finances with her.
She won't join a club or anything because of the following:
1. she refuses to call herself getting old
2. she thrives on being depressed, not sure why, but she does
3. she likes to be pathetic so others do stuff for her, always has
4. she likes to be alone so she can have something to complain about.
All options for her are open, but she makes everyone hate her. Friends at work are no longer friends, we stay away as long as we can too. Her husband left her years ago for the same reason.
Sorry this is a bit off topic, but similar.
I've got the best MiL story yet, because it's RA related. My MiL has been known to have RA for over 30 years. When I was newly diagnosed a few months ago,and things were bad, I was very interested to talk to her. I was curious about meds etc. First I was told I was going to have to toughen up. Let me preface this by the fact that she is a spoiled princess who never left her hometown, never has done anything tough physically. I on the other hand am a military wife, consistantly left on my own. I am extremely fit physically. Walk five miles a day, ski, etc. So I power through her lovely comment and ask her what meds she's on. Get this she says smugly, "Water...I'm not putting those chemicals in my body." Yeah, ok...you've had RA for thirty years with no meds, no damage! And her whole family believes her, and tells me to get tough! Who is her doctor?! Obviously this has been hard to swallow.
TheLa2008-03-01 16:04:06I have been blessed with the most wonderful in-laws anyone could hope for. They divorced when my husband was 9 yrs old, but both remarried and have had very good lives. FIL is 87 MIL is 81. I wish I had their energy!
I lost my father in 1967 at age of 52 and Mom 11 years ago, at 76 years old. So I treasure his parents all the more.
But just because someone is family doesn't mean you have to put up with horrible conduct! I love most elderly people because they have so many interesting memories and are, mostly, courteous and kind.(at least the ones I know) Ummm..now that I think about it, I AM an elderly person
But I wouldn't go out of my way to be kind to someone who treated me so badly. Usually talking to them doesn't help much, but at least you will have made the effort.
Good luck! I am so grateful for the in-laws I have!
I have also got the most wonderful inlaws. They are very compassionate and helpful when we need them. Although I could rap my FIL over the head sometimes for being inconsiderate to MIL's needs. But that is more of a generational thing I think.
TheLa I have a brother in law that has also had 'RA' for about 15 years and has no meds and no damage....as far as I am concerned he does NOT have RA. Maybe a bit of OA but definitely NOT RA.
Bubba. I would have your hubby sit down with her and set out a budget. Tell her if she sticks to the budget and STILL has problems maybe there would be something you could do to help her, but she has to stick to the budget first.
bubs
I know EXACTLY where you're coming from. My MIL is exactly the same, and guess what, when we send her gifts they never arrive !!!! I think it's lies just so as not to say thank you, she's just really mean and totally selfish.
She always "felt sorry" for me with my RA because she thought I would die before her and I was "so young", and now she is really ill with high blood pressure, OA, asthma and osteoporosis. Everything just hit her all at once and it is just awful. Because she has been so horrible, it's difficult to know what to do, and then you end up being really kind because you just cant help it....
anyway bubs, take care, and don't help out with that loan!!!!!
anna
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