Dating, Boyfriends, and RA | Arthritis Information

 

I used an on-line dating site, and while I never mentioned my medical condition in my profile, anyone who read it got a clear idea that my hobbies were more reading and movies than mountain climbing and going to the gym.  Until you get to really know someone, that's about all they need to know...just make sure your activity level is compatible.

 

My plan was to tell them after a few dates but before anything got serious, or before I fell in love and got my heart crushed.  However, I felt like I would be a bit of a fraud by not telling them the minute I saw them.  For the record, that's a ridiculous notion. 

 

Anyway, I got a response to my profile the day after I posted it and started e-mailing with the guy.  A few days later we talked on the phone for 4 hours, and then we went out for a drink.  We ended up spending about 6 hours together, and somewhere between hours 4 and 5, I ended up telling him about it.  Luckily for me, he didn't turn and run.  In fact, we ended up marrying a little over a year later.  His perspective is that things are going to happen to all of us...even if we're "perfect" now, sometime in the future we're going to have to deal with something like this.

 

Despite my inability to keep my mouth closed Hey Cindy,

I'm 24 and have dated multiple guys while having Arthritis. Almost all of them I told right upfront that I have Arthritis. Somehow or another I find a way to just sort of drop it into the conversation. A lot of times this is pretty simple if they ask if you play sports. An easy "no I have Arthritis so sports are pretty hard on my joints" seems to suffice. I have NEVER have anyone get scared away by it, most have actually found it really interesting. I did have one guy use it as a (lame copout) excuse to breakup with me but he was an idiot anyways, seriously, he couldn't read words longer than 6 letters. My current boyfriend is really supportive in everything. He even ordered info from the Arthritis Foundation (on his own) so he could learn more about it.

Basically, this is a big part of you and not a part to be hidden. Having Arthritis is nothing to be ashamed of or try and hide. Tell them the first date and things will work out better. Also if you hide it you're a lot more likely to get the whole "oh my God are you okay??" reaction which I'm pretty sure you don't want. Good luck!

 ~ Erica
JRA dx'd 6/87
_popupControl();Urgh. It is very hard for someone without the disease to understand what we have to go through daily. You have a run of good days and everyone expects that you are cured, then you fall flat back on your bottom in flaresville and everyone thinks that you are a bellyaching whinger. I have had mixed reactions from guys who want to wrap me up in cotton wool and dote on me, to wanting me to pull up my bootstraps and "get over" the "whole RA thing!" (If we could 'get over' having RA, an incurable disease, wouldn't life be so much easier! I don't think anyone has ever chosen to have RA. It happens by mistake, and we just have to deal with it and live with it.)

I think the best approach is to tell them if they have hung around for a while and they are interested in you for who you are. Then tell them that you have RA, it is incurable, but can be managed, but you do not let it define who you are as a person. Load them up on (positive) information, allow them to ask as many questions as possible.

Only time will tell if they can really understand. RA can make everything difficult. Some days you can't go out and you need to spend all day in bed. Some days you can't wash your own hair. Some days sex is impossible. Some days you cannot move. If they can understand that without judging you or jumping to negative conclusions, you have a winner on your hands. Remember that you need someone to support you, and if they can't support you, then you should not be in a relationship with them.
Great topic Cindy! I think if I were dating again, I would tell them as soon as possible, but that is just how I am. I think if you waited a few dates, it would seem like you were hiding it. Best of luck I don't know... for me i know the bipolar is going to be an auto scarer..

Before marrying my second husband, I just never really thought my having RA was a big deal when I was dating, so I just put it out there shortly after seeing someone.  I didn't notice any bad reactions to it. 

I never even thought about it as an issue. Maybe that is a bit selfish of me.  It didn't even phase me when I told my husband (boyfriend at the time) Thinking back on it, I guess it could have been an issue but I didn't think about it twice until someone brought this up a while ago. If the person really loves you, I don't think it should be an issue for them. Let them get to know you. Don't let this disease define you. I dated a good bit after the break up of my first marriage. I had no intention of dating anyone seriously for a while but enjoyed the company of different guys at different times. We just enjoyed each other's company. We went to dinner, concerts, out for drinks....nothing major. I knew that my RA was in no way going to affect their lives so I saw no reason to mention it. If someone wanted to do something on a day I wasn't feeling good I'd just have other plans at those times. I wouldn't go into detail. (Drives guys crazy! Makes you mysterious. "The hard to catch type" They love that; whether they admit it or not)
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