OT dealing with difficult people | Arthritis Information

I've got a real problem.

As many of you know we have had my dear friend living with us for about 2 years. The reason was that she had lost her job and house, and even her family wouldnt help.

However lately her attitude just plain sucks. She really dislikes Jakie, and constantly criticizes him. (hes the 2 year old) He is doing fine on language development but she feels hes not and complains. She criticizes my child rearing as well.

She is severely depressed and has been staying in her room almost continuously not speaking at all to my H and barely to me. She has commented that during depressions she tends to lose friends because of her alienating behavior.

Added to that is the fact that she is hugely, dangerously obese and is damaging my stairs and bathtub, and causing severe leaks because her weight pulls the caulk away from the tub.

The last thing is that she has a dog.. (we not only dont have dogs, but HATE them) and she hasnt cleaned up on single pile of dog poop in the back yard since winter began. I cant let the kids out to play because of the amount of manure. My feeling is I dont have a dog, why should I have to clean up after one.

How do I tell her she has to leave? How do I say "I love you...BUT " I hate using the word but because it just negates what youve said.

She is planning on leaving in summer..august or so, but I've reached the end of my rope..

how do I say, nicely, please leave by may 1.. she will have a house to go to because her parents are fixing up a rental they have. to be honest I really dont care if its all fixed up as long as it has electric and running water.

I feel awful

That's a tough one, Kathy. I really have no advice, but wanted to say good luck with that. Hope someone has some suggestions for you.That is a tough one. I am so very sorry you are going through this. I know how horrible it is to have someone live with you who never helps out even with their own mess. And then to say things about and to your child.

I have nothing to add on how too tell them. Maybe the, well I do think the time has come for you to move on and sooner than you want too. We need to make a life ourself and it's too hard with someone living here. And before you go please do clean up the dog poopoo that is in the back yard, as it's only fair for my child to be able to play outside.

I still love you and plan on visiting with you, but I need space for myself and my family. As a friend you should be able to understand, or I would hope you did considering our past as friends.

First off, she needs to clean up after the dog. Secondly, be upfront and just say that it is not working out. If you need her to help around the house, then she needs to help. You can not run a household entirely by yourself and take care of her as well.

Depressive states? Well yeah we all go through that now don;t we? I still have laundry to do adn meals to fix and household chores and I have depressive states.....I live with mother......I do it all around the house. I have relatives that do not even want me here.......but until I have a car and a job, nothing I cna do.....if she has a car and has income, then she needs to be where she is going.

Sounds like you are just going to have to sit down and talk rationally to her about this, may be nearly impossible though so it sounds, but it is not worth you feeling this badly about.

Difficult is a nice way of putting this. Your family comes first. My son and his girl friend had a similar friend. Poor health could not live on his own. One leg in a wheel chair and diebetic. He ate sugar all day and made everyone else misserable. He chained smoked nasty cheap cigars. Complained about everything. His dinner was on the table for him everynight. He made a little girl cry for drinking a glass of tea. Said he made the pitcher of tea and she should make her own. Well he picked on her constantly and she couldn't take it anymore. Well Easter Sunday he drank nine beers while sitting in the hottub, ruff life. Had an argument with my sons girl. In the morning before he had drank any beer he said he wanted me out of here. I payed my rent this month. I was just allergic to his cigars. He did not even pay his rent this month. He got a pen and pad of paper. Said he was writing his last will and testament. We got a call from the jail and felt very guilty that he was in jail not knowing what for. He had been the one yelling at everyone all day. Then i said lets read the last will and testement. It said i am turning myself in on a VOP for an old DUI. Good luck paying the bills without me. Well he was not paying the bills because he wanted to do us harm. I am thinking he can not handle his alchohol. But he planned this by not paying his share for a month. We can handle it money wise but we have a graduation and a birthday so he was trying to hurt a teenager. Oh well he can not drink ice tea and smoke cigars in jail. The children are very happy he is gone. The young girl was just hugging the tea pitcher, saying i love my tea. She made a bag of popcorn and watched tv as she should once in a while. And just looked so happy as she was not getting yelled at. So difficult people do not appreciate what you are doing for them. Try not to feel guilty. If they cared they would be open to comprimise in the first place instead of being so difficult. My sons girlfriend felt so bad till she found the note which was written to her. It was her children being verbally abused. She does not feel guilty anymore. She bent over backwards for this guy because he was sick. She kept all junk food out of the house and he ran around with five candybars in his pocket and said insulin made him feel bad and would not take it. What can you do?Kathy- it is a very difficult situation but I think you are going to have to sit her down and explain to her how you feel. You dont have to go into detail about personal things that you are finding difficult about her but just spell out that the dog issue is having an impact in the children and as you dislike dogs its also affecting you. Also expalin that you feel if she stays it will affect your friendship even though you love her dearly you would hate to lose her friendship altogether. You can also add that its putting extra strain on you which in turn could affect your health ( this is so true anyway) You have nothing to feel guilty about as you have helped out a friend in need but now its time for her to move on. Good luck Kathy. yeah you are all right.

I will have to write a letter though otherwse I get defensive and cry

she has a HUGE amount of stuff here ands is moving 400 miles away so its not something I can do.. we have to get her dad, brother and son out here with pick up trucks and a trailer.. sigh..

the thing that makes this so sad is she used to help all the time. we could hang out in the kitchen and talk and fold laundry and have fun. she would pitch in with dishes and cleaning, even though we didnt eat togehter.. she does her own laundry, and her own dishes, but the whole idea was she would help out, and right now the only thing she really does is watch the kids an hour after school 3 times a week.. and she makes it clear she s doesnt like the little guy. she loves our litle girl, but her favoritism is extremely obvious and just not fair.

I just hate this, because no matter what I'm going to lose the friendship

Yes, you will probably lose the friendship but not because you wanted to.

It is really hard. 400 miles away????? Well, she could alawys rent a uhaul ...400 miles is quite a move. getting all those ppl together for the move is not going to be an easy task.

yeah 400 miles. she is disabled due to depression and OA.. and literally has very little $$ just what her parents help with. she starts getting a pension in august.. so finding $$ for a uhaul wont happen. I have no idea why she refuses to even apply for social security.. her dr has told her she is absolutely likely to get it, based on her disabilityShe needs to apply for every type of any help she may even not qualify for. THe govt. help will change soon, it always does.

Let me tell you, I have known ppl that are over weight and depressed and get all types of moneys and here I sit with RA and all and get nothing in Michigan!

I would just tell her, look you have got to sign up for some assitance. Or if a note is easier, than write her a note.

Have you spoken with her and said "I'm concerned about you? You seem to be withdrawing and becoming more deeply depressed. Is there something I can do to help?"

If she is seriously depressed, and it definitely sounds like she is, telling her all the things she is doing wrong won't make things better. Maybe you just need to open the door and find out why she is sliding downhill. She is obviously someone you care deeply about or you wouldn't have so generously offered to let her live with you. Approaching this with concern and love, and a willingness to help her make positive changes will be beneficial to both of you.

I just think empathy is the most important emotion here - not sympathy. If you can put yourself, with your own illness, in her position perhaps you can connect with her in a way that won't be confrontational and won't cause anyone to be hurt or defensive.

When people are seriously depressed, even the effort to do something like applying for Social Security can seem overwhelming. Perhaps you can offer to help her - take her to the SS office and get the process started. Let her know that you will do it together. If she has a true friend by her side, it will help her make the positive changes she needs to make, and it will ultimately help you get your home and way of life back.

I agree Hillhoney....it is difficul though I am telling you. I am in somewhat of a similar situation, I cannot , cannot bear to live under my circumstances any longer. When you have that to deal with, helping others is nearly impossible, so I feel for you I really do kathy.

There are days when all I do is clean up after mother. If I say ANYTHING, it is all taken out of context and I am condemned and the words are so condenscending that the mere thought of mentioning anything on any topic will make me shake and be anxiety ridden. Then the passive aggressive behavior goes on for DAAAAAYS.

SOunds like this woman is much the same way. Until she can move, you are the one that has to say something, it will prob have to be nonconfrontational.......and she will probably start a spat anyway and it will be all your fault when you are the one giving of your home and family. I have BEEN THERE! I am there right now.

You could add a positive approach to this and sit down with her and tell her how you miss the special times together but are finding it increasingly difficult to cope right now. Tell her you'd like to be there for her with her depression and try to find out why she has gone back to feeling this way. It might be clue to why she is being so difficult. You have helped her enormously so far.I just thought of something on my way down to the basement......to go through boxes! You said she had a lot of stuff.....maybe you could offer to help go through all that stuff and see what she wants to keep, donate or toss.

It would give you some positive time plus get rid of needless junk.........

Just a thought, that is what I decided to do about 6 mos ago.

Before my daughter was made to leave, I had been going through all her stuff and mine trying to rid of needless things. The great thing about is was, when I get ready to move, I will have very few boxes! Which means less work and less clutter and less worry of where to store everything.

jodejjr2008-03-28 10:06:01 I have actually done this. Sat down and talked with her about the depression. since I deal with bipolar she knows I have empathy..

I have sat with her and emptied box after box..she is a hoarder and had TWO large storage rental untits in MI, and about a year ago I went with her and sorted through them.

I know how overwhelming it can be, but the last time I asked if she wanted me to do a particular thing to make it easier on her she got nasty and asked "what the hell is wrong with you?" If I remember right I offered to take her dog downstairs to pee so she wouldnt need to go up and down stairs..

I just feel like sh*t.. I have approached this from all the right directions and its like shes forcing me to act.. I HATE this.

That is the whole piont of mental illness. You can not reason with them. The reasoning is the first thing to go. You have to protect you children first. If she just has decided she does not like one of them what are you to do about it. I mean that would for me be my final straw. It is out of your hands. Sad but true we can not fix the world even if we would like to. This could have bad effects on your sons self esteem. OMG ! and I thought I had tons of stuff! I am finally down to my daughter's papers and junk she threw in boxes years ago at Tim's , also found stuff of his kids in there too.

I am whitling down my junk...geesh!.....I only had one storage unit! I have donated most of my clothes.

SO you have already attempted ot help with the stuff......

Hoarder.......not good. So you are dealing with a obsessive/compusive disorder as well.

There has got ot be a reasonable solution.......I will keep thinking on it.

"what the hell is wrong with you?" that was not very nice.

When someone is mean to my kids................or my nieces or nephews , including the kids of my bfriend.( which were like my own kids).......I have to speak up and voice it. Kids should not have to suffer due to an adult.

This is why, when my daughter was forced out due to my family, I told her to go and be in a healthy, safe environment, we will figure out life when we can.........like you, I can only do so much. She begs me everytime she calls for me to move.

You are still going to have to speak to her or write her a letter. Like me, this is not healthy for you.

jodejjr2008-03-28 10:39:04Kathy; I have no advice at all....just wanted to say I hope it all works out soon for you. She's put you in a terrible position. It's really sad how some folks can take advantage of those that care about them the most.

Next thing you know she'll be wondering why she has lost so many friends. You'd think she would have learned by now.

Hang in there.

We need IM for this one folks! lol

You can always go with the other approach.......which is typically the last approach you want to even think about. It is not recommended and is often times hard to do cause it causes a lot more probs but often works. It is confrontational or at least usually ends up that way.

Stop making life so darned easy for her. Let her know how she makes you feel......tell her you do not like her living there anymore. If she gets angry enough or hurt enough, she will either make your life a living hell or find a way to leave.

It is not a good solution, but your health and happiness have to account for something. Let her know how you feel!!!!!!!

I like to help people and i have to the point it was mentally ill on part to do so much for others. I always like to fix things and help people. I have a rule if it effects my family and children it is a no go. Children are helpless and there is no reasoning in my mind to add extra stress to there lives. When i was living alone i let my sis and her children stay with me. I knew my sister would rub me the wrong way but she had three small kids so i did it. If she had not had children and i had three small kids i would not have. That is just my opnion. I think it is our responsibility to put our childrens mental health over the mental health of our friends. I mean we are trying to raise our kids to be healthy adults. It takes alot sometimes to get someone out of a depressive state. Maybe her family can help her. You are not a medical proffesional. So i do not see how you could realistic help her except to give her a ride to some place that could.I agree...maybe she needs to have her family come get her and her dog and all her stuff. Maybe involve her family about the situation and just say look, I cannot do this anymore, you are going to have to come get her asap. You know I may have to do that. I can speak to her parents any time, because we play pogo.

the situation is really getting bad, I am very non confrontational and that is sometimes not a good thing.

I am going to write a letter and sit on it a few days.. then give it to her.. its too bad, but I want my hhome back and I want my kids needs to come first. I didnt mention she sleeps all day and is up all night and complains if anyone makes any noise during the day.

I HAVE told her that we are just a noisy family and she will have to get ear plugs or just deal.

Oh by the way if anyone wants to IM me I am glass_worker2000 on yahoo IM

Then you need to speak to her parents.

She has no right to tell you to be quiet since she sleeps all day, it is not like she works at night, besides, you pay the bills.....

I would definately get in touch with her parents and just say, "come get her, the situation has escalated to a point that it is distrupting my family"." I have done all I can do". THen set a date for them to come get her.

Kathy, I'm afraid I don't have any advice but I just wanted to express my deep admiration for you and how much you've done already. I can't think of anyone I know who would be as generous and helpful as you have been, not even family! My jaw dropped when I saw that you've been dealing with this for 2 years. My goodness. You're a true friend, not too many people like that left in the world, sadly. There's a special place for you in heaven.

Andrea