Feeling Guilty When I Feed Well | Arthritis Information

 

This morning, my ankle hurt so bad, I could barely put my shoes on.  Thursday, my hip was really hurting and it messed up my gait all day.  And yesterday, my wrist was just throbbing.  But while I was at my son's soccer match around noon, I was picking him up (left arm) and having to walk around a lot, carry him around a lot.  And for a couple of hours there, I felt "fine."  Anyone who saw me would think I was fine, although I hold my right hand in a weird position.

 

And, instead of celebrating feeling fine, I convince myself that I'm a fraud and that I don't need mtx (even though head of Vandy rheumatology told me to start it ASAP, and my rheum agreed).  I can handle the pain, it's just that the damage to my hand keeps progressing.

 

I spent so many years with non-specific symptoms being told by my doctors and parents that I am just depressed, need to exercise more, or take a vitamin, stop reading things online, ignore that episode, it was probably just strep, that I internalized part of that. 

 

Now, it's 3:00, and my fingers are starting to ache.  I KNOW I overdid it today. Why do I doubt myself?  This is really tough.

 

I'm still able to work and hold kids on my left side, so I just need to focus on being joyful about that.  But I'm focused on the lack of mobility in my wrist, the swelling in my ankle, and is that enough to justify MTX?  Maybe I should just ignore it?  Stupid self doubt!  If it wasn't for Mobic I'd be in so much pain, and I forget just how much it has helped.

 

Luckily DH has been a witness and knows that I need it, and is encouraging me.  I mean, the fact remains that I can't open things, and it was less than a month ago that I couldn't even turn the key in the ignition, two months ago that I couldn't even write with my right hand.  Now I can, thanks to Mobic, with just a little pain. 

 

Thanks for listening to my rant!  It's nice to be able to post here to be able to acknowlegde what I'm feeling and talk myself out of it!

 

I think I am going to try to do the Arthritis Walk, and maybe get my family and friends involved, as a way of getting more support.

 

You are not a fraud. You have pain and problems from RA, so you have proof that you are not a fraud or that it is all in your head. I think we all have felt like a fraud at one time or another with this disease.

 

A month or so back... I posted pics of my right knee and how swelled it was, because there was talk by Rheumy of aspirating it. And after everyone said it looked painful on here, I felt like a fraud because even though it was swelled good, it did not hurt that bad. It only hurt when the swelling would go down to a hard swell, not a technical term just what I call it. RD said it is thickinning of the fluid in my knee. That is when it hurts the worse.

Good Luck! And keep us posted or keep posting!Don't feel guilty. Not at all. Katie, I would imagine most people on the board have felt that way at some time. As its early RA, denial seems likely. I'm DX'd a year and I still hope when my hands, feet and elbows are feeling good that  they've made a mistake and I dont have it. When the pain comes back its almost a relief because I know I'm not imagining it. As Joonie says, good support systems help, as Jode says you've no reason to feel guilty, just make the most of the quiet times.... and try not to overdo it. I have felt guilty on a few occasion when going to the quacks and feeling pretty good. I am fearing the same. I am going to a new doc and my number one fear is that it will be a good day, my first in about six months, and I wont get what I need. Its ok. Things with this go up and down, you lose a lot of security in yourself. But you know your body, its not in your head, don't let yourself think that. Its going to be ok. The first two years of any chronic disease are the most challenging, and in the case of RA, learning what you can and cannot do is really frustrating. I empathise with you because my RA has been slow onset, so for quite sometime I had doctors tell me that it is all in my head - hard to accept when you just want to get on with your life and not be sick. You will have your good days and your bad days, and most of all unpredictable days. It must be so hard with kids depending on you, I think it is wonderful that you have such a caring hubby. You will find what works for you eventually. I find that making everyday a good day regardless of how I'm feeling or what I haven't done my daily goal. And when I have a good day, I celebrate it, because I don't know when I'm going to get another.

You are not a fraud - just tell your doctor the truth.  _popupControl();

Hi Katie, I am sorry to read about your struggles with arthritis. I work for Corbett Accel Healthcare Group in Chicago, IL and my team is conducting a research project (no sales involved) on new therapies for RA. We would like to get the opinions of people who have been diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis or Undifferentiated (Inflammatory) Arthritis in the past year.

I have read through your postings and would like to ask if you would participate in a 1-hour phone interview. If you qualify you would receive for your time.

To find out if you qualify, please call me at 312-475-7857.

The deadline for responses is Friday, October 24.  Thanks for your consideration.

http://www.corbettaccel.com/clients/I could say something really obnoxious about the value of my time, but I won't.  Or did I?  I will assume that your concern is real and in a way I wouldn't mind talking to someone about RA for an hour because my husband is tired of hearing it.  But this probably isn't the best way to do it! :) Esp. with how old my post was.  As it is now I look screwed up at the doctor on any day of the week, and I'm probably about to try Enbrel anyway.  I found you funny! [QUOTE=KatieG] My greatest fear is that after failing MTX I will try biologics and they won't work either, so please do keep researching new things! [/QUOTE]

I would say that it was MTX that failed you.
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