OT - Quotes | Arthritis Information

A bit long but funny.

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.

   He thought he was God, and I didn't.

2. Marriage is a three-ring circus:

    Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

3. For Sale : Wedding dress, size 8.

   Worn once by mistake.

4. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:

Before marriage and after marriage.

5. Why were hurricanes usually named after women?

Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they
take your house and car.

6. The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too
qualified for the job.

"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in
picking lemons?"

   "Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

7. An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he
   has been living with for the last 40 years.

   The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
   that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

8. Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

   All the DNA is the same.

9. I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming and completely
   ignoring the "12 items or less" sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into
   the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward
looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So whichsix items would you like to
    buy?"

   Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

10. Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor
   and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.

"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said . "We may not
have 45 minutes."

   They were seated immediately.

11. The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they
would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

12. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax
and get used to the idea.

13. Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in
      your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you,
what would you like them to say?"

     Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a
    fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

   Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher
and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

14. Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

   Looking up, he asks the Lord.. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

   Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

15. A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men In fact, she sleeps
   with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

    "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell
   me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

16. John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.

   "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

     "Of course, John," his wife said softly.

    "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

    With his last breath John said, "I do!"