children moving home | Arthritis Information

 

my adult children are moving home.   and i am already stressed and they are not here yet.   my son is in college and the house he rented, without our permission, ceiling is falling in so he is trying to get out of his lease..  he originally moved out because of our rules.   he will be home by may 1st.  he is 21.   does not listen to his dad or me at all.   he is very, very dirty.      my daughter who graduated college last may.   went on the mission field this year to work with college kids at oregon state university.   she has lived well below poverty level.  she comes home june 15th.  her internship is up and she needs to find a real job with benefits.     she too is very messy but she at least lets us know where she is and when she will be home.   my son we never know.   my daughter is 23 years.    what am i suppose to do?   i want to make a list of rules (i will), but my husband will never enforce them and the kids know this.   i feel we have sacrificed enough.   we have nothing for ourselves and we are in our 50's.   how much do you have to give up for your kids?   i expected to do without until we got them through with college.   my daughter is done and we are not through.....   my son still has at least a year left.  

Wow.  I'd say no.  They aren't baby's.  If they won't follow your rules and contribute to the household, whether financially or by doing chores~ in my mind, they made the decision.

Your house your rules. Yep I'll second Linncn. My parents had a simple rule of thumb. You go to school or you go to work. They didn't ask for money, but if you were out of high school, you'd better be in college or working.

Their home wasn't Bed & Board Unlimited.

Out of mercy, I'm sure any parent can help their offspring out. It's the right thing to do. My dad is 78 and he sent me some money not long ago because my back was against the wall and he offered to help. I was too proud to ask, but he saw through me like a window.

Set some limits. And keep them. It's not out of wrath to kick the birds from the nest. But there is a time and place to do it for their own good. And if they slob up, show them the broom or the door.

Found a great coffee mug. "We childproofed our home, but they still get in." When I moved back in with my dad and stepmom for the summer after I graduated from college, I ran errands and helped out around the house.  Dad would not take any money, and I didn't have a job anyway. If your hubby won't enforce the rules, will he at least support their eviction if they don't follow them?  If not, you've got a hard road ahead.

 

One of my aunts let her children live with her for awhile after they graduated, but charged them rent.  Some of it went to household expenses and the rest she put into savings for them for when they moved out.  I also believe they had a certain time limit from the start.

 

I know you want to help your kids, but letting them rely on you too much isn't really helping them, or you.  And I know...it's easier said than done.

no he will not evict them and the adult children know this.  they know dad is on their side not mine.  he always has been.  when they were little what i said went.  but now that they are grown i cannot enforce the rules physically and my husband wants to be the nice guy.  his parents never have done for him so he thinks it is showing them love.   When my 2 kids went off to college I will admit that even though after dropping them off (7 hours away) I cried like a baby...I did enjoy having the house to ourselves.  But after college my son went on to live with his now wife and my daughter eventually came back to live with us.  I didn't mind in fact I wanted to help her out so she could save up some money.  She worked so I had no complaints and now at 24 she is living with her b/f and they're talking marriage now.  I kind of enjoyed having my daughter living here with us, but I can understand what you're saying...especially if they don't live by your rules.  I think the main problem is that both u and your husband think differently about this situation.  You need to have a long talk with him and both get together with some rules the kids need to go by.  Let them know u guys are together in these thoughts and rules and if they can't do what u ask, well...they need to find another place. NO. It is always a difficult task to have your children move home.  Everyone is use to the way they do thing's.  My oldest daughter moved home for a while , I think it was harder on her then me.  She was use to her own privacy. (And I am a little anal about how thing's are doneWell you need to let them know how you feel and get your husband on board with u.  This could be a good thing if handled right.My daughter moved back in when she started attending graduate school. I told her I wanted her to give me what she had been paying in rent and I would put it in an interest bearing account and give it back to her when she moved out so she could make a big dent in the credit card bills I knew she had run up. I always said that kids move out, multiply, then come home. My oldest came home after her 1st divorce, with my granddaughter. I loved having my granddaughter around, but my daughter always reverted to teen-ager again when she moved home! But she did work hard and abided by our rules, such as they were. wonderwoman..  putting two kids through college is really tough work!!  My best to you and applaud y our efforts.. o'k wanttobeRAfree my husband and i have been talking we are both gonna come up with a list and compare and talk about it.   i think i pissed my daughter off cause she says she is staying in oregon now.  but we will see.    i know about the shopping and the going out to eat remember they have lived here before over summer breaks.  they act like money grows on trees while DH and i eat cheerios for dinner.  i am sick of it.  they take trips, we stay home.  they have both been more places than i have ever been.   i do not know where their money comes from, we have never been able to do the things they do.  in college my daughter kept telling everyone she was paying for everything.  i finally got sick of it and started sending her all the bills i was paying for her.  she was quick to apologize and never bragged again about how she paid for everything.Good idea wonderwoman! Tough one  - I sure wouldn't want to be in your shoes.  Hopefully,  once you compare lists, it will something you can both agree on and get the rules set ahead of time.   Send off to both what they should expect and let them know that they're welcome to come if they can follow what you've both decided on.     You've gotten them this far and there comes a time that you need to put yourself first.   Easier said than done though- I think I'd have a hard time turning away my kids.  yes they do that and the funny thing is the girls almost always get more spent on them than the boys.  nini is right they revert back to teenagers when they move home.  i hate it.  oh well i have witched enough.  thanks for everyone's advice.  if you got more i want to hear it.  it helps me make up my mind.  we are still paying for my daughter's car insurance., cell phone, and recently had to take over her car note because she had to buy COBRA insurance and could not afford everything on her 0.00 a month check from the church.  she is having to pay student loans now too all this extra started in january.   the church was suppose to give her more but they did not so she went to work at hallmark to pay insurance and loans.wonderwoman2008-04-27 22:11:14o'k i am at it again... just wanted to say if i had to do it all over again i would never send kids to college straight out of high school.  i would make them work full time and live on their own for 2 years.    if after 2 years of hard work they wanted to go to college i would send them and help pay for it.   they do not know what they want to do when they go to college it is like more high school with lots of perks... apartments, cars, credit cards, etc   most of their friends at college have no jobs and their folks pay for everything.  so you throw your child into an enivorment of spoiled rotten-ness.   and we as americans have bought into this lie that our chilren must have a college education.  my kids understood the world alot better before they went to college.  they had a better work etnic in high school.neither my husband nor i graduated college.I worked for a year before going to college.  I was on my own since I was 17 (mom has mental issues - everyone except my little sister got the boot at age 17).  Anyway, I think it made some things easier once I got to college.  I was self-sufficient and knew that I had only myself to blame if I screwed up (and only myself to thank if I didn't!).  It took me 7 years to get my degree, but I did it.  I was the first one in my family to graduate from college. awesome jasmineRain! I have twins that are in their second year of college.  We pay for everything.  i know what you are talking about with them seeing life as different than the real world.  They have friends in school that have new cars/ drivers / jet off for vacations, etc.  I explain that's not the real world, and you won't have any bills when you get out of school, but they can't afford to go to the caribbean for a 3 day weekend, etc. DebraKay Our son moved out right after college, but our daughter came back home when she was in graduate school.  We paid for her undergraduate degree, but she had to pay for her masters so she had to come home.  She worked part time waitressing and we supplied food, shelter and medical insurance.  While home she still had a curfew (2:30 a.m. even at age 24) which she didn't like but...our house, our rules.  We didn't want ANYONE slinking in at all hours of the night.  Your husband's heart is in the right place, so if there's any way to make him understand that love sometimes means limits, he may get on board.  If you can convince him that he's really hurting his son by not helping him become independent, he might develop some backbone. 

Wonderwomen,, hmm, ok I hate admiting this, but I was one of those spoiled kids..

I've always been a nightowl!! Since a child.. and if you and your husband cave In now,..

IMO, a huge resounding NO! I'd work 4 crappy jobs before having to move back in with my folks. I moved out when I was 18 and had a full-time job and part-time job to make ends meet. You do what you have to do to get things done.  A little ramen never killed anybody. ;)

Snow....he might be a slob going in to the Corps, but he won't be when he finishes bootcamp!  DI is a little more persuasive than mom for some reason.  Maybe it's the quarterdeck??  :)oops!!  :)  True what you said Snow.  I used to shake my head and wonder what would become of my boys.  I mean, it used to take the one 20 minutes just to put his socks on!!  I thought he must be the most day dreaming boy in all the world.  And they both grew up to fine young men.  Straighter heads than I had at that age.I agree with Whispered.  Your children are quite old enough to make their own way in this world. Hey, we've all been there and done that when you decide whether or not you will constantly find excuses for your failures or whether or not you will make the decisions required to succeed.

Perhaps an alternative would be for them to borrow money from a lending institution. NO, absolutely NO - don't be a co-signer for a loan.

They need to know the pride that comes with accomplishment/taking care of themselves.
hi wonderwoman.. if you own your own home sell up fast and run for it..

Boney   Man; I so see where you're coming from here. My son is 18 and getting ready to graduate HS. He thinks he knows it all and that I'm the thorn in his side he can't wait to get away from. His father and I have been divorced for years and I'm remarried. He's been staying with us full time since September because he couldn't get along with his Dad. Sadly I've let him "Make his own choices" just to keep him here verses god knows here and believe me it hasn't been easy on me....or my marriage.

I didn't struggle with the decision to make my son leave.  It wasn't hard for me because it was time. He was almost a year out of high school and he needed to man up.  It would have only hurt him to let him stay.  I have never regretted it, even though he did pull some pretty bone headed stunts after he was gone.  But he was young and dumb and he learned a lesson from them.  Be encouraged, these lazy sloppy messes do turn out to be respectable, honorable men you can be proud of.  :)

Lovie OMG~That's the nicest thing I've ever heard! My son being just like your son when he was younger I can only imagine how good that makes you feel. I moved back home twice after college.  When I first graduated in was in Dec.  I am a teacher so there weren't alot of job openings that time of year.  I tried--really really tried.  I was able to line up a long term sub job in Arlington.  That kept me employed for the rest of the school year.  But, anyone from the DC area knows how expensive things are up there.  My dad helped me apartment hunt and when he saw what I could afford-he moved me home!  We sat down as a family and it was decided that as long as I was employed or actively looking for a job,  I could stay for free.  They wanted me to sock money away for my first apartment.  Plus, I was paying my own medical bills(RA).  That really helped alot.  When I got my first real teaching job 4hrs. away that summer, I could afford the move on my own and furnished the apartment.  But, I was a pretty easy kid.  I helped out when I could and it was nice to spend time with my dad since he was always out to see when I was a kid(Navy Capt.).  I lived at home from Dec-July.
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