How do you guys deal with family who don't get it? | Arthritis Information

I'm honestly not sure how to deal with this ... my boyfriend of several years just doesn't seem to be GETTING it.

We're getting ready to go on a trip last night. My BF has a cold. We have livestock. Because he has a cold, I spent about an hour outside in pouring, freezing rain tarping hay, feeding goats, feeding chickens (which involves carrying 50lb bags of grain), dumping and refilling water tanks, cleaning, and doing general farm chores.

I HURT when I was done. Felt like someone had been beating on my hands with a hammer, and I couldn't lift my hands above shoulder level. I went to bed early.

He bitched this morning about having to:

1) Do a sink full of dishes
2) Vacuum one small room
3) Do two loads of laundry. (Which were not folded, just thrown in the washer, thrown in the dryer, thrown in a basket.)
4) Catboxes
5) Clean HIS bird's cage. (Which I can't do in any case, the bird hates me.)

And he had to "stay up late" ... because he watched his favorite game shows before doing the laundry. And this made his cold worse. And now he's sick. He has a COLD. A run-of-the-mill cold. And it's not a bad cold. (He thinks it's a bad cold. Colds have put me in the hospital due to asthma ... the reason I'm able to function at all right now is a high burst of prednisone to prevent an asthma flare.)

I pointed out I am REALLY SICK and I REALLY HURT and that was why I went to bed
early. Men ... He pouted and said, "But I'm hurting too ..."

Gah. Normally, if he was sick, I WOULD do all the work. But I don't think I'm being unfair in expecting him to do a few chores here so we can go out of town tomorrow! (The house has to be at least

I love the man, but he really, really, isn't getting this. I'm not sure he realizes this isn't like a cold, this is probably my new reality, and it's not something that I'm going to get over in a few days. He acts like I've got a bug that'll go away, and that I'm being a drama queen.

-- Leva
I guess you don't know that the common cold is different in men than women. When women get colds, we don't feel good but we are able to fullfill all of our obligations and responsibilities. But for a man, a cold is a life threatening illness that requires a week of strict bedrest. It's so bad that they can do nothing but eat, watch tv and whine. Their stuffy nose is way stuffier than ours ever gets, they get at least a gazillion times achier than we could ever even imagine, and if not for the TLC they lavish on themsleves, that scratchy throat and cough would certainly turn into pneumonia and kill them. [QUOTE=Linncn]I guess you don't know that the common cold is different in men than women. When women get colds, we don't feel good but we are able to fullfill all of our obligations and responsibilities. But for a man, a cold is a life threatening illness that requires a week of strict bedrest. It's so bad that they can do nothing but eat, watch tv and whine. Their stuffy nose is way stuffier than ours ever gets, they get at least a gazillion times achier than we could ever even imagine, and if not for the TLC they lavish on themsleves, that scratchy throat and cough would certainly turn into pneumonia and kill them.[/QUOTE]

So you DO know my husband True. Several years ago my husband was sick and I thought he was just hamming it up and being a baby (in my defense, he does ham it up and act like a big baby when he doesn't feel well, so it was a natural conclusion on my part). Anyway, it turned out that he had malaria. Of course, when his temp shot up and his head started pounding I took him seriously and got him to the doc ASAP. Good thing too. He was one sick person.

Eh, he's pretty much whining. I can tell the difference between when he's really sick and when he's whining, in behavior, if not in volume of complaints ... If he's watching a game show on TV (and shouting at the TV) and chattering about everything and anything, he's fine. Had something fun come up, he'd have been right off to do it, without any hesitation, and the cold would have miraculously gone away.

He seemed to feel a lot better when I suggested we stay home this weekend, too. [QUOTE=Linncn] I guess you don't know that the common cold is different in men than women. When women get colds, we don't feel good but we are able to fullfill all of our obligations and responsibilities. But for a man, a cold is a life threatening illness that requires a week of strict bedrest. It's so bad that they can do nothing but eat, watch tv and whine. Their stuffy nose is way stuffier than ours ever gets, they get at least a gazillion times achier than we could ever even imagine, and if not for the TLC they lavish on themsleves, that scratchy throat and cough would certainly turn into pneumonia and kill them.[/QUOTE]

LOL, I think you are more right on than not. Yes , men do suffer more than a woman when it comes to the common cold. I agree with Linc, I am sure there is scientific evidence to support this.

The fact that he was not only able to use a remote control but concentrate enough to do laundry and dishes is beyond any expectations that a medical professional would have I am certain.

WOmen who have RA are quite capable of doing a variety of tasks even during a flare including feeding livestock, mowing acres of land, and bailing hay, you only had to cover it

I have installed a complete room of insulation during a flare, and after a pred shot, literally. THe pred helped and probably all the activity of cutting, hanging and stapling the insulation assisted the pred in my circulation.

Working in the freesing, pouring rain is beneficial to RA.....didn't you know that?

Next time tell him you will take care of the house, he can take care of the livestock, if that is too much for him, tell him you would be more than happy to do it all for him and let him rest. Give him a bell or a walky talky so he can contact you when he needs the channel changed or a drink of juice.

Poor guy.

Cygnet. I see this issue in sickness and in health. It is totally surprising to me how many couples work full time but the majority of the housework is done by the female member of the household. Not always, but frequently. I know it is this way in my house. And mine is because he cannot clean as good as I can, LOL. My husband is great when it comes to my RA, but I think this disease is difficult for many to understand including our families and people we work with. We don't look sick so they think we are making it up. I'm having some major problems with mobility due to the heavy rains here in Montana and my husband is normally very supportive but I went off my plaq so he told me I deserve to hurt and be stiff because of my stoopid decisions. One thing I wish my husband would learn about cleaning is how to make the most of dishwasher space. He can only seem to fit in like, 5 things. But at least he tries!! Gotta give him credit for that :)I simply wouldn't be with a man like that. I just couldn't imagine my husband allowing me to do all that even if he was terribly sick. And if he did act like that, and it continued, I'd seriously be gone. I believe that actions show how one feels for the other and to me, those kinds of actions say "I don't give a sh*t" [QUOTE=Linncn]One thing I wish my husband would learn about cleaning is how to make the most of dishwasher space. He can only seem to fit in like, 5 things. But at least he tries!! Gotta give him credit for that :)[/QUOTE]
Mine double and triple-stacks things as if to ensure that nothing gets cleanI do apologize but I am still laughing....it isn't really as funny as it is just so typical...here is why:

When Tim would get a cold he was super grumped and complained just like you had described.....yet......when he accidentally shot himself with a nailgun on the roof and hit a artery or vein or something and blood was shooting out of his leg and everywhere, he said he was fine..........he actually said....."I am fine, but call 911". When they placed him in the ambulance, he was jabbering the entire time giving me instructions on where to put the tools cause it was starting to sprinkle and he didn;t want them to rust, and make sure the nailgun was locked up......get his wallet, close the barn..............all this while they are placing o2 on him and checking his vitals while trying to stop the bloodflow.

It is a "man thing".

OMG the Mancold. It's a medical mystery. His cold is always ten times worse than mine but because he's so great and understanding about RA and my health issues I give him some slack. I let him whine, shuffle from the bed to the TV, make him tea, give him his meds, etc. Once I even microwaved his socks, put them on his cold feet and tucked him in bed. He's never forgot the warm socks, he was so grateful. He's done it for me so many more times. This past year I've had 3 surgeries and a flare of PsA and he's been there unconditionally.

Some guys just don't get it no matter what you do. Drag him to your doctor appts., make him read all the literature about RA, join a chronic illness group, anything you can do to educate him will help the situation. Good luck. Lindy

My husband is very good to me when I've been sick. To me, a cold isn't that big a deal, so if I get one I'm not looking to stay in bed and veg. But when I have a flare, my husband bends over backwards to make sure I have what I need. Back when it was really bad and I'd be awake all night long because of the pain, he'd just come and sit by me. Just sit there all night. Almost chokes me up just remembering it.WHen I was flaring, he always understood, he was there most of the time. RA is a difficult disease as we all know. It is so unpredicatable, so painful, so damaging.

In a relationship it is give and take. With the RA some days were more difficult, others you just need more hugs than words, the rest of the time it is understanding that counts the most.

You learn not to do the hard chores on those days, cold or no cold for him or you, you do it together. At least that is what we did...probably not that great of advice though come to think of it, the relationship didn;t make it.

Oh well.......not sure what to tell you. Lots of advice here though.

hi guys sniff sniff cygnet- I hear you but I have no advice. I have the same kind of husband. I feel so jealous of the women here who have husbands who are so good to them.

I got yelled out for calling in the night when I needed mine. He was too tired from taking care of me during the day. I never called unless I really needed him and I was a prisoner in my recliner chair because I was too weak to push the foot rest in. He went to bed at 8-8:30 so that was my last bathroom trip. My mouth would get so dry because I wouldn't drink anything so I wouldn't have to call him.

He last Man Cold he was dying from....I had no sympathy for him what so ever.

If I were you I would take my husband to the doctor on your next visit and have him tell Mr. Wonderful in no uncertain terms, exactly what your disease is like and what it's doing to you. It may be that hearing it from another man will make him believe what he won't believe when he hears it from you. Then, pull up some articles on the computer, the ones with very descriptive titles, in case he won't read the whole thing. He'll at least get an idea from the title alone. One I read a while ago said, "Rheumatoid Arthritis. So Much More Than Stiff Joints." There are others out there even more descriptive and even scary. Lay it on thick because like you said, he just doesn't get it. If all that fails, give as good as you get. If he's no help to you, don't help him. One hand has to wash the other and you can't do it alone. CYGNET:

These stories make me laugh..

On a serious note, It's not funny when it's happening to you. I'm sorry you had to go through that. People are right, It's hard to understand what someone with RA is going through when they dont' "look" like they are sick. I had an ex husband (for 10 years) that did what yours did when he was sick and worse, it was horrible to live with him at times. I now have a fiance that is the complete opposite, which I think is not the way a "typical man" acts...lol He's Very supportive, but forgets at times, I cant wrestle, go on hikes, or do the normal things I used to do and have to just remind him, I'm soar, I hurt, I am out of energy, I just can't do it.

One suggestion, you may bring him to your next dr. appt with the RA doc. and let the doctor explain what you are really going through. Sometimes when they hear it from someone else, especially a doctor who sees this daily, then they will be more understanding instead of thinking you're just hammin it up to get attention (that's what my ex thought at times when i was sick).

Hope things get better for you guys soon

Kelly

[QUOTE=Jesse88]If I were you I would take my husband to the doctor on your next visit and have him tell Mr. Wonderful in no uncertain terms, exactly what your disease is like and what it's doing to you. It may be that hearing it from another man will make him believe what he won't believe when he hears it from you. Then, pull up some articles on the computer, the ones with very descriptive titles, in case he won't read the whole thing. He'll at least get an idea from the title alone. One I read a while ago said, "Rheumatoid Arthritis. So Much More Than Stiff Joints." There are others out there even more descriptive and even scary. Lay it on thick because like you said, he just doesn't get it. If all that fails, give as good as you get. If he's no help to you, don't help him. One hand has to wash the other and you can't do it alone. [/QUOTE]

BINGO!!!! This is EXACTLY what you need to do! Take him with you next time you go to your RD, and let the doc explain to him that RD is not simple achiness...it's a serious autoimmune disease that demands careful use of our joints, to avoid permanent damage or immobility, and requires medications that in their own ways take their toll on our bodies.

I had this same problem (to a much smaller degree) with my husband and my children. Hubby thought I just liked to loll around in bed in the mornings instead of jumping up and getting going like he does. My kids would actually chuckle at how I 'walked' after being in the car for hours on a road trip...too stiff to walk from the car to the gas station bathroom without limping horribly. So.... I bought the book:

The Hospital for Special Surgery Rheumatoid Arthritis Handbook: Everything You Need to Know, by Stephen A. Paget, Michael D. Lockshin, and Suzanne Loebl

and made all three of them read it. It changed their entire perspective about what was happening to me and what RA really was. It made all the difference. My son actually apologized to me for making things harder instead of easier for me. My husband has been noticably more helpful around the house, without me having to ask. This was 3 years ago, and they still help me in this way.

The reverse effect also happened, and I had to tell them that I would prefer to "ask" when I needed help and not for them to treat me like an invalid.

Educate your family, friends, and co-workers. Ignorance hurts everyone.

Hiya cygnet, just a quick little tip to help with those that don't "get it", (and we've all been there). Try having them read the Spoon Theory, from a website called butyoudontlooksick.com

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/the_spoon_theory/

This is very good and a lot of people on here have found it really helpful. (I just printed one off and left it on the coffee table).

Sorry, though, don't have any cure for man flu I've given the Spoon Theory to all of our relatives and friends. I can't believe I forgot about it........mushy brain syndrome. Lindy [QUOTE=Linncn]I guess you don't know that the common cold is different in men than women. When women get colds, we don't feel good but we are able to fullfill all of our obligations and responsibilities. But for a man, a cold is a life threatening illness that requires a week of strict bedrest. It's so bad that they can do nothing but eat, watch tv and whine. Their stuffy nose is way stuffier than ours ever gets, they get at least a gazillion times achier than we could ever even imagine, and if not for the TLC they lavish on themsleves, that scratchy throat and cough would certainly turn into pneumonia and kill them.[/QUOTE]

That is such a funny analogy! My husband is the kind of person that never

gets sick, he makes me sick!

I've looked at the "spoon theory" document. I don't entirely agree with it. Who am I to judge how many "spoons" those around me start their days with? Or how many they have in reserve?

All kidding aside, I agree with Kel too....no woman should have to do all that with this disease. I would say that this man is very uncaring and needs to learn how to be supportive. One never knows when disease will strike.

I would have to think long and hard to remain with a man like that, even though the flip side is doing it all alone, it would far surpass having to do it all and also put up with the selfishness which would undoubtedly be unending.

Life is too short people! Life is just plain too darned short to live like that.

i am realizing this very weekend i no longer want to be married to my husband. we have company and he is being an absolute ASS! i am so very discussed with him. i am ready to break free and be on my own. who wants to be married to a grump. and he does not even have RA. i do. if he does not improve this weekend our marriage of 28 year will end. wonderwoman

all i am asking my husband is to be polite and speak to the guest. divorce is in the air. i will be happier alone with my friends.

Sorry your guys are not very understanding. I am fortunate to have my kids and hubby. I gave them alot of brochures and things to read. Also my husband's boss's sister talked to my hubby when I was first dx. She has ra and told him how much I would need him, physically, mentally, emotional, etc. and really told him how tired I would be and whatever she said worked!!

I reminded (because I think they see us doing well one day and tend to forget) my 15 year old son that this summer I will need his help around the house everyday and then when some things get done, he is free to hang out with friends and go and do things. Most days I don't wake up until 10,11 or noon and by then they have the house picked up and dishes done. Yep, I thank God everynight for them! It took a little time for them to understand but now they get it and like I said before, "You have to remind them".

Good luck

I've really pushed myself the last couple of days way beyond my comfort zone. I'm a little bit sorer than I'd like to be, but not horribly so. I can always criticize someone else but I'm not them and they aren't me. I'm only responsible for me. If someone else doesn't like it, the door can open and close in either direction. I am not eager to push or pull that door. If someone else does they are acting on their own volition. Cygnet,

I feel lucky that I have a husband that understands what I go through. He can tell just by the change in my personality when I'm about to flare.

I had problems with both my mother and (then) best friend. What bothered me was their lack of compassion for someone else who was sick. They both have serious conditions. My mom has had three back surgeries and is looking at two total knee replacements this year. My friend was suffering from Fibromyalgia. I thought that of all the people in my life, these would be the two that would at least understand that sometimes you just can't stop by and visit them, or go to an event, etc. etc. But, all I got from both of them was how "everyone" has arthritis and I would just have to "get over it."

I learned very quickly that I don't discuss my RA with them. When mom asks how I am, I say fine regardless of how I feel. Can you tell I'm a little bitter?

I have to applaud you Cygnet, and all the others on this board who can do that kind of hard labor when you flare. Maybe I just don't deal with this kind of pain very well, but when my joints flare, I can hardly move them a fraction of an inch without experiencing what I would call extreme pain.

ps: ok , i think this post might have been a bit too harsh and didn't read everything right.. for animals , i 'd do almost anything!.. and ... sigh, i can't judge,.. i can't.. i just hope your bf gets it.~~~~````.

i'm saying nothing.. ok.. i have to say this.. if i saw someone bailing hay, mowing fields.. come on!.. there is no F way, i could that in a flare, or otherwise!

You have to have a huge tolerance for pain then, or...

so I can see why he can't see you as "sick' , if you do these type of things.. I have friend w/ fibro, who discounts me (k you know what i'm talking about ;)).. and there she is, outside

picking up Two huge heavy concrete blocks and dragging them around the apt.. has a cart, but still.. concrete.. and the other stuff she does.. while saying how "sick" she is....

don't flame me guys, ..but.. see.. if you allow yourself to keep doing things, you shouldn't do.. then how else, is he supposed to see it?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I DOn't do the dishes, carry out cat litter, etc.. bc i simply can

not!! and refuse to push my body.. yeah sure theres some small things, we could do, but as my provider says, when you're on pain meds, they're just masking the pain and you still need to take care of yourself.

I'm not married .. the first thing, i've taught all my family,

VERY strongly is that its NOT arthritis!!

in fact, i'm now calling it.. someone elses idea, on the board,

lol :)... a degenerating autimmune disorder../ joint disease..

something like that.. but no mention or arthritis..tho they are allowed to say RA, lol

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

i do sympathize that your bf doesn't get it, .... we're the ones responsible for teaching people, how to treat us..

ps:

(wonderwomen)))))))))))))