OT- A glass half empty | Arthritis Information

Does anyone else have a person in their lives that ALWAYS has a glass half empty? What do you do to cope?

Edited to say half-empty

Confused,

Pip

Yeah- that's how my brain acts with RA- I get everything backwards- thanks for steering me in the right direction..... [QUOTE=wanttobeRAfree]

Does anyone else have a person in their lives that ALWAYS has a glass half full? What do you do to cope?

I have a couple of friends who struggle with depression. One in particular is a half-empty person. It is hard to deal with but what can I do?

Hugs,

Pip

I hear what you're saying, but my mother is simply toxic. I feel very bad for her - most of the family has little to do with her, and most of her friends won't associate with her either. I, for one, refuse to sacrifice my sanity for someone who refuses to admit they have a problem or seek help. She's addicted to being a bitch, and I'm not going to enable her addiction any more. JasmineRain- to top it off does she make you feel like you are unsupportive - not just make you feel...come right out and tell you that? [QUOTE=wanttobeRAfree]JasmineRain- to top it off does she make you feel like you are unsupportive - not just make you feel...come right out and tell you that?[/QUOTE]

Yep... right after she tells me I'm a rotten mother (she's still telling my I should not have nursed the boys), my husband's a piece of crap and/or is going to leave me (LMAO!), my father is an @ss (they've been divorced 30 years now), my house is a mess (yea, but we're happy), how she's dying of the disease of the week, etc.
I know a man who runs the Midnight Mission for alcoholic men on skid row in L.A. Miraculously, some of them get their lives back. It is not that difficult to be grateful when you see and hear about the mission.

Jan

yeah- I don't do anything right either in this person's eyes either. But it's nothing personal- no one does anything right. It still makes me feel like crap but I don't care about being thought of as unsupportive-first of all I tried that and like you say- it enables them. Second of all I don't want to support things I don't believe in. [QUOTE=Jan Lucinda]I know a man who runs the Midnight Mission for alcoholic men on skid row in L.A. Miraculously, some of them get their lives back. It is not that difficult to be grateful when you see and hear about the mission. Emotional Vampires - there are some very good books on the subject out there.

Take a look at this check list - see how it applies to those you are talking about:

The Narcissistic Vampire Checklist

THE SMARTEST, MOST TALENTED, ALL-AROUND BEST PERSON IN THE WORLD TEST:

True or false? Score one point for each true answer.

1. THIS PERSON HAS ACHIEVED MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE HIS OR HER AGE.

2. THIS PERSON IS FIRMLY CONVINCED THAT HE OR SHE IS BETTER, SMARTER, OR MORE TALENTED THAN OTHER PEOPLE.

3. THIS PERSON LOVES COMPETITION, BUT IS A POOR LOSER.

4. THIS PERSON HAS FANTASIES OF DOING SOMETHING GREAT OR BEING FAMOUS, AND OFTEN EXPECTS TO BE TREATED AS IF THESE FANTASIES HAD ALREADY COME TRUE.

5. THIS PERSON HAS VERY LITTLE INTEREST IN WHAT OTHER PEOPLE ARE THINKING OR FEELING, UNLESS HE OR SHE WANTS SOMETHING FROM THEM.

6. THIS PERSON IS A NAME DROPPER.

7. TO THIS PERSON IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO LIVE IN THE RIGHT PLACE AND ASSOCIATE WITH THE RIGHT PEOPLE.

8. THIS PERSON TAKES ADVANTAGE OF OTHER PEOPLE TO ACHIEVE HIS OR HER OWN GOALS.

9. THIS PERSON USUALLY MANAGES TO BE IN A CATEGORY BY HIM OR HERSELF.

10. THIS PERSON OFTEN FEELS PUT UPON WHEN ASKED TO TAKE CARE OF HIS OR HER RESPONSIBILITIES TO FAMILY, FRIENDS, OR WORK GROUP.

11. THIS PERSON REGULARLY DISREGARDS RULES OR EXPECTS THEM TO BE CHANGED BECAUSE HE OR SHE IS IN SOME WAY SPECIAL.

12. THIS PERSON BECOMES IRRITATED WHEN OTHER PEOPLE DON'T AUTOMATICALLY DO WHAT HE OR SHE WANTS THEM TO DO, EVEN WHEN THEY HAVE A GOOD REASON FOR NOT COMPLYING.

13. THIS PERSON REVIEWS SPORTS, ART, AND LITERATURE BY TELLING YOU WHAT HE OR SHE WOULD HAVE DONE INSTEAD.

14. THIS PERSON THINKS MOST CRITICISMS OF HIM OR HER ARE MOTIVATED BY JEALOUSY.

15. THIS PERSON REGARDS ANYTHING SHORT OF WORSHIP TO BE REJECTION.

16. THIS PERSON SUFFERS FROM A CONGENITAL INABILITY TO RECOGNIZE HIS OR HER OWN MISTAKES. ON THE RARE OCCASIONS THAT THIS PERSON DOES RECOGNIZE A MISTAKE, EVEN THE SLIGHTEST ERROR CAN PRECIPITATE A MAJOR DEPRESSION.

17. THIS PERSON OFTEN EXPLAINS WHY PEOPLE WHO ARE BETTER KNOWN THAN HE OR SHE IS NOT REALLY ALL THAT GREAT.

18. THIS PERSON OFTEN COMPLAINS OF BEING MISTREATED OR MISUNDERSTOOD.

19. PEOPLE EITHER LOVE OR HATE THIS PERSON.

20. DESPITE THIS PERSON'S OVERLY HIGH OPINION OF HIM OR HERSELF, HE OR SHE IS REALLY QUITE INTELLIGENT AND TALENTED.

Scoring: Five or more true answers qualifies the person as a Narcissistic Emotional Vampire, though not necessarily for a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality. If the person scores higher than ten, and is not a member of the royal family, be careful that you aren't mistaken for one of the servants.

By ALBERT J. BERNSTEIN, Ph.D.

So you've met my mother Oh my gosh! I know exactly what you mean. I know someone who is so toxic in my life. Always depressed, scared, anxious, complaining, resentful, miserable and basically hates life. I sooo wish I could get her out of my life. But I can't.....

B/c it's me.

Oh Nori- I know that feeling too. It's impossible to get away from yourself isn't it? I bet you don't subject the rest of the world to your feelings though do you? I bet you are not mean.

I have read all the posts here and appreciate them and last night I was pondering everything and I just got this terrible feeling that I have to stop talking about this for right now. I'm just not ready to face things I have to face.

Thanks to everyone who tried to help or commiserated.

Nori and Wannabe, I think all of us can see ourselves in some of these behaviors. Each day brings a new set of frustrations, disappointments, worries, and pain. It is easy to fall into a pattern of clinging to the disappointments, using them as a justification of how much of a disappointment our life has turned out to be. Sometimes it is actually comforting to fall into that persona, because intially it gives a payout. We can use it to manipulate others, gain their sympathy and concern, or their guilt. We can actually control others by using that persona.

But when you step back and look at the big picture, you realize that these aren't healthy paybacks. They are eating away at the you inside, the real you. The person who wants others to come to THEM for love and support, who others enjoy being around. That person still lives within you, and it is up to you to feed her and let her grow. There are many people I have met, who even though they are in absolutely desperate circumstances, and carrying extreme burdens of loss or pain, they are happy. They have made the choice to use the life they have in the most positive way possible.

Start small. Each day think of two things you are grateful for. Think about what of myself can I give to others today. Make it a game - shock other's with positive reactions rather than your usual negative ones. The rewards that come will help you move further. You can do it, and you can do it over and over again when you slip back. We all have times when we slide into negative thoughts, but you will learn to recognize them sooner, and kick them to the curb.

This is the only life you have - be the person you truly want to be. Create happiness for yourself and others.

my younger sister.. no matter what, she has it worse than anyone.. no matter what, nothing any one ever suggests will ever work..she always has a reason to say no to life..

I screen my phone and avoid her calls.. oh and shes more than willing to tell me I should move because we are getting old and I wont be able to go upstairs. also my kids are losers, and the little ones are no where near as smart as her daughter or grandkids at the same age.

I honestly avoid her like the plague.

Hey WanttobeRAfree,

You're right. I'm not mean to others. But over the years I've let others use me as a doormat, and now I'm very resentful. I've shut the world out.

Hillhoney,

You are also right. I've done quite a lot of soul searching over the years, and 20 years ago there was a payoff to being depressed. My friends tried to cheer me up.

Now it's just me and my parents. I do not have a social life. So I would be starting from scratch in the friend dept. I don't know that I'm up for that. But I do understand there's a lot I could do even by myself to improve my outlook.

Nori

Nori, what if you called some of your old friends, and told them how much their friendship had meant to you, and told them thank you for trying to be your friend when you weren't in an emotional place to be their friend. If you called them just to say thank you, and let them know you still care about them, it could be a start. Don't let the call turn to any negative talk - all positive and upbeat. Even if you never rekindle the friendship, you could feel good about acknowledging them and the things they did for you.

I don't know your circumstances and I certainly wouldn't dare to tell you what to do with your life. But I will tell you to be your own best friend, talk to yourself the way you would a dear friend and help yourself through the hard times. Look for positive in everything. I know it's not easy, and I certainly can't do it all the time. There are days when I hold myself a huge pity party, but I limit it to one day, and then smack myself upside the head and remind myself that I'm still here, and I'm one pretty strong lady. I've made it this far and I intend to keep going as long as I can. Sounds stupid, but I sing the song "I'm Still Standing" and pat myself on the back for having perservered. It feels good, and feeling good one day can be stretched out to two days, and you keep working at it. You keep working at making changes that give you what you want in life. When you start to make excuses why you can't do something, stop and try to figure how you could do it. Maybe it will be in a different way, or maybe it will take some help from others, but push forward. Don't surrender your life - it is a blessing and there is so much good you can do in this world. You can be the difference in someone else's life. And when you are, the blessings are yours.

See though Karen that's where I've been for the past few months. How can you stop and count many blessings when you're consumed by hurt, disappointment, and downright betrayal....by those closest to you. (not hubby or relative) but people who had supposedly been your best friends for 20 years. The hurt and anger are hard to get past so I distanced myself, I felt myself becoming toxic so I kind of hibernated, I

d never been there and it was hard to deal with.

I know no one can help you until you let yourself heal. You have to make a conscience decision to let it go, get on with life and choose to be happy. I'm getting there. It leaves scars. I don't want to be a toxic, depressed person...thank God he allowed me to see that before it was too late. It hurts physically and mentally....but now my glass is getter closer to half full, lol and I'm glad. Hope this makes sense.Mona, I'm sorry someone has hurt you so much. Betrayal is so hard to deal with, it makes you question everything. You start to wonder if everything in your relationship with that person has been a lie. It hurts to think that the person you cared deeply about apparently didn't care as deeply about you. Believe me I do know how that feels.

Re-living the hurt, and wondering why, and "how could they" over and over doesn't do anything but makes us more hurt and angry. It chews you up inside, and turns you more and more negative. The only person's behavior you can control is your own. It is what it is. They made the choices they did, and we don't always know why. It is part of who they are, and what they have to work through. You don't need to make excuses for their behavior, but you can just decide to not give it importance in your life anymore. Find a way to give it closure. Maybe you can write them a long letter, explaining how you felt, and how it impacted your life. Then it's your choice whether or not you send it. You can put it in a drawer, know that it's there, and know that you can send it someday if you choose to. Or burn it, pour your pain into it and then burn it. The truth is if you do send it, they will never "get it". They probably won't understand how much they hurt you, or care, but you can purge yourself of all the things about the situation which are weighing on your mind, and then just decide to let it go. Your life is too precious to waste on clinging to pain and saddness of the past - reach forward for happiness now and in the future. Close that chapter with wisdom, and move forward to the next chapters with hope for new adventures and friendships in the future. The last thing you want is someone elses baggage dragging you down.

I know you to be a very positive person, and I know you have much in your life that brings you joy. You have such a giving, loving heart, and see beauty all around you. You are loved by many and you love many, and you give freely of your love. That is what is important, above anything else. People move in and out of our lives, they may be there for the short term or the long term. We have to embrace the good things they brought us, the fond memories and the lessons, and be grateful for them, and let go of the bad.

It's like the pain of childbirth. As you are going through it, your feel consumed by it, and reach a point where you don't think you can really do this, you panic. But when you are filled with the happiness that comes with loving that baby, the pain is released and gone, so much so you are willing to do it again. You can release and let go of the pain of being hurt by someone else also. You'll remember it, but it won't be a part of you anymore.

Thank you Karen, you are so wise. Even though it made me cry it was a healing cry...almost a catharsis. I haven't had a cleansing cry in a long time.

I have just in the past week or so felt the bitterness and anger in my heart start to melt. I no longer "want" to hang on to it. No it isn't me, who I am... and it was destroying me. I was hurting those around me who really love me and I didn't realize it.

I have forgiven those who hurt me deeply, I think the hurt and anger I was holding onto was for protection. The harder I became the less the hurt I felt...does that make sense?

I think I had rather die than live the way I was for so long. I never want my children or friends to come to me and say "I can't be with you any longer, you're miserable and you make us miserable", Thank God they didn't give up on me.

Thank you for being my friend, and to the many here who have encouraged and laughed with me for so long. I really missed you all, but I'm sorry to say...I had nothing to offer anyone...and for that I'm so sorry. [QUOTE=moana] Don't be so hard on yourself, what is perfectly normal to most parents is something that brings back painful memeories and fears for you. You're not like your mother, we all know that.

The thing is I... and I know you too... don't want your kids to say I forgive my mother but I don't want to be around her....too toxic, too many painful memories.Mona, I disagree. You have given so much to people here. I know you have given much to me.

Jasmine, I understand. My relationship with my mother is the most difficult one in my life. I could list many many things she has done that hurt me - but instead I now only list good things she has done for me, and there are many of those too. That's what I want to remember her by, that will be how I define her. And I won't let the hurt define me.

You won't be like your mother, you aren't like your mother. You are a wonderful mother to your boys. I enjoyed the story of how you and the boys worked so hard together on your bed, months ago, and thought then what a great mom you are. I hear it in how you talk about them. You're doing an awesome job.