Taking Care of Our Parents | Arthritis Information
I'm starting this thread to continue a discussion from another thread, as others probably have similar experiences they may wish to share or advice to offer.
Joe wrote:
"I am just entering the same situation with my mother. Her mental decline has been rather rapid over the past year or so. I am an only child so siblings are not an issue, and I have a signed power of attorney. How do you know when its the right time? She lives in a semi-assisted care complex now, and gets by OK because everything is right there for her. But she has problems with knowing what day it is, remembering close relatives names including ours, etc. I have asked her about it, and she said that when I think it is time to "put her in a home" that I should do it. I am very reluctant about it. Any advice you have for me would be appreciated."
Having gone through a similar situation w/my mom, I know how hard it is. My mom was still living in her home, alone, with my sisters nearby, when she began to show signs of confusion. Having siblings, can be a plus or negative, you have help, but then you have to sometimes do things by consensus, which can be a headache.
I found an organization called caregivers.org, they're in Sacramento, California. They had a website with a lot of information that was helpful for family members taking care of parents w/dementia or alzheimers. They even had a counselor one could speak to.
We tried at one point a small assisted living facility, but they had staffing problems, so Mom came home and we hired a live in caregiver, a relative, and between her, and my sisters, took care of Mom. They had to be watchful, because Mom's house was in the country, and she would go walking and become disoriented.
There was an adult day care program which Mom attended, it was helpful, cuz it offered some socialization. After my Mom's stroke she had to go into a nursing home, but we pulled her out of there as soon as she was able to physically go home. At that point she needed too much care to live in an assisted living facility, and we didn't want her to continue at a nursing home. With family helping and hired caregivers, and eventually hospice, we were able to keep her at home until she passed.
When looking at places for Mom, there were some that specialized in caring for folks w/alzheimer-like conditions. Some can be expensive, it depends on the level of care your mother may need.
Its a very hard situation, for me seeking outside help for guidance, like the caregivers org was helpful. There are probably websites for groups dealing w/alzheimers and dementia, I think I got some literature from them too.
My advice? Try to use the time you have w/your mom for fun things. Sometimes we get too wrapped up "managing" all that needs to be done, and it can be time and energy consuming. Long term memory is the last to go I think. So, looking at old family pictures was an enjoyable pasttime for my Mom, and a way to still connect.
How do you know when its the right time you ask? That's the hard part, though my sisters were doing more hands on care of Mom, I had power of attorney, so I had a lot stress, was I doing the right thing? That's when some of those caregiving type organizations can be helpful.
Joe, I don't know how much help I've been. If you have other questions, ask. Your Mom is fortunate, you sound like a caring, responsible son. Perhaps, others here may offer some advice and support. Take care, a gentle RA hug, Joy
Thank you so much. The family album idea is a very good idea as we have lots of those. I will check out that website for sure. You've been a big help as I had no clue where to even begin. Take care,
Joe
Oooops, the correct website name/link is below. See caregiving info page, and see articles and related websites. Its changed a bit since I used them 4 yrs ago, the fact sheets aren't available, but still should have some useful info. Even though del oro is based in california, there are websites links to national organizations, and there should be a comparable organization in your state. Good luck. Joy
Joe, your post brings back sad memories of dealing with my own mom's decline from Alzheimer's. I believe you'll know when it's time to move to the next phase in your mother's care, or you will, as in our case, be given a push by the facility that already cares for her (first day care, then assisted living and finally a nursing home). At some point they may tell you they can no longer care for her and she must move. Before the assisted living facility, we considered moving her in with us, but during one of her visits she tried to warm up some ice cream that she said was too cold, by putting it on a paper plate and placing it on the stove over a flame. We knew then it wasn't safe for us or our children to have her live with us. It was a tough decision....one of many more that were to come.
You need to have very clearly in your mind what you're going to do if your mom stops eating and they want to start a feeding tube. Also, if she is moved to a nursing home, be very diligent about what medication they give her. Some homes tend to overmedicate in order to keep the patient quiet. That's not in your mother's best interest and if you make a fuss, they'll back off. You may not want to think that far ahead but trust me, it's vitally important that you've thought out the kind of care you want your mom to have in her declining years. And most important of all, enjoy the days you have with her now. They are gone too quickly.
Thanks, more great advice. The sad thing is she is physically very healthy - no major health problems, never smoked or drank in her life and always very active. I hope it is a very slow decline.
Joe
I am so sorry, its a big problem in our family now as both my husbands parents are in the same situation. They refused to move but there were fires and then wandering and so finally they agreed to assisted living. That place has all levels of care and you can have a meeting when ever you want to ask if they need more care. They will help us when they need to move again. It is very expensive what ever move you make, esp with 2 people. Most people I meet with this problem only have one parent, the waiting list for 2 people apartments, rooms are much longer and very expensive. Neither wants to think about money for a minute but want many extra amenities, demanding costly things from the staff and then upset that they get charged. Like they demanded white carpet and now have to pay for it to be cleaned every other week if there is an accident. Its very hard. Sorry.
My mom has been having trouble with my grandma. She is 90yrs old and was totally able to take care of herself but lost 75% of her vision. She can still bathe herself etc.
Well, she hinted at going into a nursing home due to her sight in hopes that someone would say "mom come live with me" and nobody did. They threw her into a horrible home and she went into decline and is now acting like she is in a coma or something which is horrible since she was perfectly fine a few months back.
The family is over there now trying to see what to do. There are 5 kids that can take her including my mom and they all make excuses which is horrible.
My mom in law is a pain in the toosh but we are going to take her in when needed because she is family. We will pay a local care giver service to bathe her and dress her daily so she doesn't feel weird having family do it (she has cdip). We also might take in my mom when she gets that far and it seems like she will be that way when she hits her 90s too like grandma.
Anyway, taking care of our parents is important. I feel that they took care of us, now it will be our turn and their social security can pay for the nurse/care taker to bathe, make sure pills are in order etc.
I don't want to be in a home, so i could never do it to them.
I am an only child also, my Dad has Demmintia, I moved in to his house to take care of him, But it has got to be to much, he gets these mad spells throws stuff, now he is hiding things....He will not stop driving, I took the keys, then when he was trying to find them he locked my puppy in the truck.....HE will not go to a assisted living, he refuses....I have power of attorney, but how do you do it when some days he is ok, then somedays he don't know nothing, I got engaged 2 yrs ago. can't get married, he don't want NOBODY in the house, I was going to have someone come in to stay with him while I went to a friends wedding in WI....He threw a fit....so I didn't go....I have Fibro. & RA.....They say keep your stress down, now how do we do that, my Mom passed away in 1998 from Lupus, I was working then, & I regret not being here all the time for her, now I am retired on Disability.....I just don't have the guts I guess to put him in there, I guess I won't have a choice someday.......Good-luck everyone
One day I will post in entirety my experiences with my then aging parents I really not able to do so today it will most likely be the all time longest post ever.
Dealing with a Parent with Alzheimer's is not easy, My Mother suffered for years, there was no assistance available when we (My Wife and I ) had to deal with this, each day comes a different situation, incontinence, walking away from the house, not knowing who any one is. This is the most Horrible disease of all in my book, it not only steal the persons life, but it hurts every family member so deeply.
I hope and prey that I nor my wife will ever come to this point, because i would hate to put my Children and Grand Children in the position I was placed into, I was an only child so it was me and my wife dealing with this!
Today they have support groups to assist the person and the family , Thank God for that!
To anyone who has to deal with this problem, I prey you have the strength and will power to have to go through this, I prey for you!
Slo hand, you are right. It is a horrible disease. RV Chick, its easy to say everyone should take in their parents but if you have a small house, with stairs and they don't see well and have Alzheimers so they wander. You can't do it. Esp if its both married 63 years, 85 and 86 years old. Its unhealthy for them. They can trip and fall, walk away, you can't watch them 24 hours a day. We did find a nice assisted living place, that has special locks and clip on buzzers. They are still independent and better off there then at our house, or his brothers or sisters. Its hard, hopefully they will never have to go into a nursing home.
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