It took 3 years of dealing with me & my RA for my husband to be the way he is now. I done a lot of hubby bashing on the board too, in the beginning. He just seemed self-centered and only cared about himself. And before I got to this point RA wise, he thought I was just being lazy. But you know what? He never told me to get a job. Makes me wonder why he never did tell me to get a job, if he thought I was lazy, why not encourage me to get a job? At that time I was struggling really bad with fatigue & morning stiffness.
It took him 3 years to change his attitude and all. But he knows, now that I was not being lazy, but was just "sick". My hubby says I am "sick", because I have to take meds, infusions, and visit doctors all the time. He says I am sickly. *shruggs shoulders*
I hope you can catch back up on your behind bills soon, Mom2.
I am lucky to be able to work full time and contribute to my family financially... but I still have guilts.. guilt that I don't help as much to keep our place clean and straightened...
guilt that I give the kids chores daily that really help me out.. (empty the dishwasher, vacuum, carry laundry baskets down/upstairs, take trash out, dust, feed the dogs..etc.) because I just cannot do it all. My husband works out of town M-F ... that leaves me and the kids. And I need help.. and they are "it" I guilt myself over that.
I know that we shouldn't...It adds to our already heavy burden.
I feel the guilt too especially about the financial aspect of it. I also feel guilty when I can't get the dishes done and hubby comes home after a hard day of installing auto glass and does the dishes. We have two teenagers and they aren't around much because they both work. I hate feeling like a burden and have always been a control freak when it came to having my house clean. I used to have my own cleaning business. With the help of meds and talking with hubby, things have gotten better. He always says our vows when I bring it up "in sickness and in health, for good times and bad". He's a keeper. LOLI feel guilt about coming here sometimes. My husband will just be flipping channels and I just cannot sit there with him- I am so bored. I can't wait til he goes to bed so I can get on the computer. Then my youngest son will come and sit right here over my shoulder and I feel like I need privacy about what I am discussing. I feel guilty that I wish he would go away. There are plenty of other times I am available to him but then he is off doing his own thing- when I get on here it's like it's a magnet.My son tried to read over my shoulder until I reminded him to mind his business. I don't read over his shoulder, so don't read over mine.
SO THERE! LOL
LOL- we do have rights don't we?
Yes, we do even if the boy is taller than me now! I'm still big bad mama! lolJoonie, I am in the same boat. I feel guitly all the time because I had to quit my job. We went from 2 incomees to 1. Ouch! I hsve filed for disability, but as you know it may take months. I am not used not working! I hate sitting at home while my hubby works so hard,.
I feel quilty for not being able to do more house work. Or do my poetry or art work. I feel guily that I can't play wiyh my dogs anymore.
I ty to pick myself up and say it's not my fault, but deep inside I know it is.
Joonie-
I don't have the financial problems (now I feel guilty about that!), but I do feel guilt about always saying I hurt or feel tired. I feel like a broken record and I've started keeping it to myself because it seems like my husband doesn't have the patience for it anymore.
We just had a heated discussion tonight about the fact that I was slacking off on painting my daughter's room this week. I'm just too wiped and sore!
I sometimes think well, maybe the Dr's don't know what they're talking about and it's just in my head! Stupid, but I feel like I brought it on myself. I don't even know if that makes sense.
This guilt is a whole new aspect of stress that isn't good for us. We know it's not good, but still, it isn't easy to lose that ownership. Like we don't have enough to deal with!!
I hope you have a guilt free weekend- EVERYONE!
Boy do I feel guilty. I feel guilty that this disease has not only taken my life from me but also has taken my husband's life. I hate that we don't do the things we use to because I don't feel like it. I feel guilty that my 85 year old father is worried sick about me and I'm afraid it's going to affect his health. Mind you, he gets around better than me. I feel guilty that my brother was here (after not visiting for a year) and the look of horror on his face when he saw me. I don't want all these people worrying about me because it causes me more stress. I do try to do something around this house everyday. Either wash clothes, vacuum a room, clean a bathroom, cook or something, so I can at least look back at the day and say I've done something productive.When RA made me sick enough that I could not work, could not cook, could not clean, could not even feed myself I did not feel guilty- I felt mad.
Now that I have all of my abilities back and just have this stiffness and pain if I've been sitting too long, the clumsy hands, achy wrists, ankles and feet and the fatigue- now I feel guilty if I don't go 100 miles an hr. like I did pre RA.
This morning when I woke up I felt as tired as if I never went to bed. I thought to myself I don't feel like doing a damn thing all day but lay around.
Here's what I did:
Did my weekly call to my mom out of state- while we talked for 2 1/2 hrs. I unloaded and loaded the diswasher, made brownies, made a pot of spaghetti sauce with meatballs and sausage for Monday night's dinner plus extra to send with son when he goes back to college. Then I went to the grocery store and local farm stand to pick up things I needed for dinner. I worked at the business desk for awhile and then I did read a magazine by the pool.
For dinner I made a salad, baked potatoes (regular for me & my husband sweet for my son who hates regular potatoes), I sauteed yellow squash and zucchini in olive oil and spices, sauteed mushrooms and onions and grilled steaks. I set the table and brought all the food in. Guess what- son and husband who snack all day said ...not too hungry...dog ate good (so did wannabe). They did bring their plates to the kitchen but I cleaned up everything else. Then I loaded the dishwasher, cleaned up the kitchen and scrubbed the filthy stove from all the frying and sauce splatters that went on all day. Then I packaged up the sauce and meat in containers and brought them to the outside freezer where there is room until son goes to college. Finally I washed that big sauce pot and now I am done.
I'm exhausted and achy and I feel stupid. I wonder why no one here takes my RA seriously? I don't even take my RA seriously. Yet if I hadn't carried on what I feel is "normal" for me I would have felt guilty. I do not allow myself to lay around or think about what's hurting me because it's not "bad" enough to PREVENT me from doing things. Not only having lived through not being able to do things but reading about people so far worse then me now drives me to drive myself to the limits.
I thought I might be the only one that feels guilty for being sick. (I am a pretty strange person so I've been told) The thing is that I haven't had much trouble with the RA since I was about 15. I had a mild flare in 2001 which made me quit my job. Then I decided that I wanted to go to college. I went back in 2005 and just graduated in May and was very much looking forward to working again. And then along comes my old friend worse than it has been on me since 1990. To make things worse, I find out 2 days ago that I'm in the coverage gap on my medicare part d and that I would have to pay 100% of my humira. I had no choice but to ask my father to help me. I feel soooo bad about asking anyone for help.
I'm just glad to know I'm not alone....and sad at the same time for everyone else who feels this way.
Bob H.
You know what? I would probably do the same as you, wanttobe. But I have swelling to keep me from doing things. If it was not for all the swelling in my joints... I would push myself to do more. But when you have chronic swelling and parts do not bend or even move right because there is so much swelling there is no pushing yourself. It just makes me have a bad day, mad and irritable and annoyed and hating and just plain frustrated when I try to do things when I am swelled. which 98% of the time I have swelling in more then 4 joints, unless I have high dose pred or the Remicade in me. And then people wonder why I try to push myself when I am feeling good. Or when I am swelled and I try to be stubborn and "get my exercise" people think I am nuts. It is because swelling is an everyday part of my life when meds are not working or I am not getting meds, so it is either try or "die" trying. Besides I see my creeping along in wal-mart as my exercise, which it is probably doing more harm than good, but to me... it feels like I am at least doing something that might benefit me some how and kinda makes me feel a little better. Because I am creeping along and hurting, but at least I am "walking" and have some control over some things. I know I should ride those darn stupid mart-carts, but it just makes me think if I need one of those then I should just stay at home.
Same with the handicap placard. Everyone wants me to get one. They ask if I got one, I tell them no. They say well you should have one, you would get a closer spot to the door. I just say... the day I need a closer spot to the door is the day I do not even need to be out of my house. I am not saying that everyone who needs one should stay home if they need the use for it... but for me it is true. Call me stubborn or whatever, but I am 29 years old and walk like I am 80 minus the cane
Just like when I went and visited my mom in the hospital and it was just me and her in her room, and she started coughing and needed something and I could not get out of the chair to get what she needed because I had to rock myself out of the chair I was sitting in and by the 4th rock I got to my feet but could not raise up enough to walk to get what she needed. Then a nurse came in and got it for her before I even took one step. I just sat back down and looked at my mom and laughed and said "If you had to depend on me to take care of you, you would be hurting a whole lot more and probably fire me." She laughed and I laughed. Then I said "good thing you have more kids."
joonie2008-07-26 19:09:40Joonie- you are already pushing yourself. You are just like me- we just have different limits our bodies are capable of. I guess in a way it is a good thing... ya think?
I know I love your attitude about things- you are always able to find humor to difuse the situation you find yourself in.
Well... someone around here has to do it I am use to making light of things that bother me or a problem that has come up. I just joke about it and make a funny out of it.
I would tell ya about today's happening, and I had to make a joke out of it to make hubby smile. I am the only one who can make him smile when he is upset or annoyed about something. He tries to do the same for me, but he is not as good at it as I am. I have a lot of years under my belt. I started it with my uncle, and since.
joonie2008-07-26 19:20:56Oh yes, guilt is almost the top emotion at times. I am able to work, so not guilty about not being able to help financially, but because I work I'm too tired most nights to do much of anything else. My husband is great - doesn't mind picking up the slack and we're lucky that our youngest is off to college this fall, so no little kids to take care of. Yet, it's not what I imagined our life to be like at this point in our life. We should be enjoying life and each other, but instead the fun is determined by how I feel. Not the way it should be. I sometimes wonder if I'm just in a routine or rut and if I can get myself out of the vicious cycle things can get easier. But, then I get tired and need a nap.
Copyright ArthritisInsight.com