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So, here's my problem. My 14 year old daughter has taken dance classes at our local dance studio for 4 years. She tried out for their "company" which does traveling dance competitions twice a month and three nights of classes a week. Turns out she made it. Not at the level she was hoping for, but she made it. My son on the other hand, has soccer Wednesnday nights, games Sunday afternoons. Both have CCD (religious instruction) he on Monday nights, she on Sunday's from 12-2:30. My problem is, my husband travels for work a lot. Basicallly all their activities would potentially fall on me. I can't do it. I feel bad telling my daughter she can't do "company" but I can't commit to driving her all the time. There's no one she can carpool with either. I'd lilke her to just take dance classes, keep it low-key wit one recital in June. She REALLY wants company. Husband and kids don't get it. The just don't get it. I'm at a loss. Part of me feels that life is full of disappointments that this for her is so minor, part of me feels like I should just "suck it up" and do it no matter what the cost. Husband keeps growling at me "Don't discourage her!", WTF??? I really just want to get in my car and drive far far away.....Hi Honey, Religion classes don't go on forever, do they?  I personally feel that the dance company is really important.  She made the company and that's a big accomplishment and I know you must be very proud of her.   Being in a dance company will teach your daughter more than just dance.  Why isn't their someone she can carpool with?  Could you just drive her to another student's home and she could go with them?   It is a big commitment for both of you.  A lot of time spent going back and forth, only you can make the decision.  How well controlled is your RA?  Is there anything else you and your doctor can do to bring you further relief?  I'm just throwing out some questions, I don't expect an answer but just some things for you to think about.  I hope you can reach a compromise.  Lindy  Oh Sweetie. When your family doesn't understand what your going through..it is tough indeed. No you do not suck it up if you are not able honey. You need to put your foot down, have a family confress and tell them point blank what you can and can not do. Itappears your family is a bit selfish and selfcentered. If they don't like or accept what you are telling them...then hell yes! Walk away! Sweetie life is to short for you to be in pain without the love and comfort of your family unit. If they truely love you they will help you. You don't cater to them! Much hugs to you and you are in my prayers.Her only other friend that was accepted has a mother who a) doesn't speak English (korean) and b) her mother isn't reliable at all so chances are more than likely that she will get kicked out. I don't see why she can't just continue to take classes instead of having to commit to company. The religion classes here run from Mid-Sept. through April. Lostpoet, yes, more and more I"m realizing they are very self-centered and selfish. I come last. Always. I don't really know how to approach anything. I mean, if I feel tired or fatigued or just plain cross, I go upstairs to my bed, then H says "Why do you run away all the time?" and gets all pissed at me. Kids just think I have the car keys at hand ready to chauffeur them around town. I told Daughter that I could get a local college girl maybe to drive her and she was adamant NO. Doesn't want it to be lilke she has a babysitter. Husband doesn't get it. No one does. I feel very alone.Even though I feel for you, part of me thought, you should really try to make this work for your daughter.  But if you have given her the option of having a college girl drive her, and she refused...then I don't feel badly for her. Oh Honey, you are not alone in this. Many of us here are going through similar thing with our own families. It's like I told my husband last night the dr. told me not to walk to much, and he didn't want me to be alone as I may fall again. Well, today had to go get Rx at walmart and hubby wanted to do some shopping. I stood in line for 10 inutes while my leg was getting weak and shaky. After the RX I went to find hubby and I could barely walk. He wanted to shop and I asked for the keys to the jeep and started out the door. Half way to the truck, I had a severe spasm in my leg that put me flat on my butt in the Wal Mart parking lot. I was however helped by kind people and the Wal Mart manager came out to check on me.

Oh course hubby knew nothing about it. I didn't tell him untill we were half the way home,  
Just want you to know I know what you are going through sweetie and that I and the rest of the board are here and will always be here for you because we are all in the same boat in one sense or another. Much love to you!





Personally, I wouldn't have made it an option.  If dancing with the company is that important she'll accept being driven by someone other than you and like it.  If she doesn't accept it then no company dancing.  You've given her an option and it's her choice.  This is part of the learning and negotiating process and hopefully she'll make the right decision.  LindyCan't you sit down as a family and look for solutions together?  I agree with Lindy, it seems a shame for her to have to give up something where she was selected because of her talents and interest.  Families sometimes have to make hard choices, but if they can do them together and the kids have ownership in the decisions and solutions, they are more accepting.  If you brainstormed together, she might be more accepting of the college student idea.  Or perhaps you son will be able to find someone to drive him to soccer. 
 
I always used to tell my kids that the time I spent shuttling them around and waiting for them was my sanity time.  I could sit and read a magazine in the car, or chat with other moms.  It was forced relaxation time.  And I was banking time that they would have to visit me in the home when I'm old, LOL!
Karen, I love the "banking time" and will have to use that the next time my son and I discuss where I'm going to live when I get "old" and can't care for myself. 
 
That's a good idea for the son to find someone to drive him to soccer.  Probably a lot easier for him to carpool than your daughter. 
Poem for you Honey,
 

I Believe

I believe in magic.

The magic of the universe and all it’s gifts to us.

I believe in the miracles we witness every second of our lives.

The air we breath.

The many wonders of this earth.

The love we feel.

The people that touch our lives.

I believe in our dreams of what we want,

what we need

and what we endure

to reach that higher level of consciousness in our souls.

I believe wishes can come true if we are open to the higher power.

I believe in magic and will forever be searching for it all.

Cinda

Thank you. I am at a loss. I think I will go to the meeting at the dance school next week (Wednesday, coinciding with son's soccer practice and husband will be on a business trip =here we go!) and see what they say about the committment. I think husband is very selfish and doesn't realize the seriousness of my illness. He is so concerned with everyone else (his siblings) that I come last lately. He gets angry at me when I stress about problems with the kids. He spits out his answer rather nastily = tonight's was "Well we'll just tell them that we can't commit to getting her to every competition and class and they'll just have to deal with it!!!" That's not how they operate, they will kick her out if she doesn't commit.

As far as what one of you said about her being selected to join the company on her merits, nope, it - like everything else - is a business. ,000 for the year!!! They take ANYONE who tries out - daughter just doesn't believe me on that.

I look at it that it's a hobby. Certainly nothing that she's going to persue for college or as a career. Same as son's soccer - he is no David Beckham. It's not worth my health for hobbies.

I see no problem with letting her just take dance classes as she's done for the last 4 years but she wants to take it to the next level and do competitive dance. SUCKS. I"m so torn. I'm in agony now from the stress. Knees, wrists, Jimmy-legs, that's why I'm sitting here at flippin' midnight typing instead of being in dreamland!Oh My-this sounds like my life too.
I went through a similar situation with my daughter many years ago with a dance school. It was like you say-they try and make it out to be your kid has extraordinary talent which has caused them to be invited to participate in this fantastic opportunity. For us it was that she would take 4 different dance styles. That meant 4 nights of lessons, 4 recital costumes, etc.
I was still healthy at the time but the time of day the lessons happened conflicted with my work schedule (of course it was MY JOB to get her there) and money was an issue.  I told her she could pick 2 dance styles for lessons. She through a fit and wanted all or nothing. Nothing she got. I just couldn't get her there. I felt bad because I loved to see her dance but she was being unreasonable.
I had those other time constraints with sports, hobby and religious prep trips too when they were young. I also volunteered to coach, etc. But I was well at the time. It was tiring then so I know how you feel having RA on top of everything else.
Then everyone just got so used to all of this they came to take advantage of my good nature. Everything is just expected to be taken care of by me!  This builds great resentment!
I didn't know how much until now. When I got sick and I couldn't do for everyone and in fact I could not do for myself- I saw I was being treated as if I no longer had any worth. This hurt me very deeply and I can't get over it now. I have a lot of anger.
I say- you gave her an option of a driver and if she refuses, you have a free pass to say no dance competition and please do not feel bad about yourself over the decision!
yup  if she refuses a driver then obviously  it isnt dance  that is important to her its making you dance to her tune.
 
 tell her she can figure it out herself or she can take the driver, but you absolutely will no longer provide transportation to anything that is not essential.
 
kids figure it out fast.
 
 maybe find a support group for families of ill parents.. let them see they arent alone and you arent unreasonable.
 

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