I have not stopped crying all week. I do get child support for youngest, but hubby has been keeping it and paying bills with It. I don't have any money.
Since I have no money, Instead of a process server, my eldest son served him the papers here at home with everyone present, but sleeping. I had phone ready to call 911. Hubby flips, but doesnt come in my room, then leaves. I told the kids to pack a bag and finish laundry and I will figure out where we'll go. All shelters were full. St. vincent de Paul has money they give out on the first of the month til gone. Of course it's gone. They gave me a lovely box of food. I go to social services. My child support makes us ineligible for anything except for food stamps.
I then went to the court house to file papers saying he was served and came home to get kids. No laundry done. Had to do myself and rush around before hubby gets off work. we get packed up, go to first motel, all booked. 2nd place all booked, come home and start calling down the phone book and everyone is booked for miles due to military transfers. I found one place an hour or so away for 9 a night, includes water park. At this point I am so worn out from crying at each place, I just crawled into bed. I sent youngest to friends to spend the night and older two, I gave them my last bit of money and told them to eat from the dollar menu and go downstairs and stay there til we leave in the morning.
Hubby calls to make sure house is empty so he can come home, I tell him what happened and said I was going to bed, I hurt, I was crying and I didn't have any fight left in me. I told him to go ahead and kill me if he wants, I don't care any more. Now I am wide awake.
This has been a humbling experience. I have always lived an upper-middle class life and never worried about a roof over our head or where our next meal is coming from. A very scary place to be, however, i think I will take the kids camping for the next week. It's absolutely freezing here, but I think we can make it a happy memory...
I don't know what to say. It's hard to say who sems to be the bigger bastard.....your husband or the judge!I don't know what to say either. This is so sad.
If you posted about your hubby before, I guess I missed it. If your hubby is physically abusive, can't the police arrest him on the spot for that? I was under the assumption they could.
I think I missed it too. I'm also very sorry you are having to go through this. Owie, are you able to work? Or has your RA made that impossible? Do you have HRDC where you live? They will help with housing if you can get in touch with them. Salvation Army will also help. Are you military? If you are, go to veterans affairs. There is also aid there for military families. Good luck. Keep us posted. Please fill us in on what all happened and why you are having to pay the judge money? Also, why can't you and the kids stay in the house and let your husband find other arrangements? I think stability for the kids is important.
lorster2008-09-27 07:09:12owie - American women are second class citizens and your experience once again proves it. You will come out of this, but if you depend on male judges and the court system to help stop a man from abusing you, its not worth it. And even if you got a restraining order, the police won't enforce it and the man stalking you won't follow it. And there is no help because of the budget cuts for abused women and children, food stamps, etc. You are on your own, and you have to realize this as its the only way you will survive. Its pathetic how abused women and children are treated in America - second class citizens. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I wish I could say a few choice words to that judge. To not even read through your paperwork should be a crime. How can he even know what is really going on with you and your husband. I will be praying for you and the kids.
mom2
owie, I am so sorry for everything that you're going through, I would have a hard time coping with all that, don't even know if I could. Do you have family you could stay with and could help you get on your feet? What about your church, can they help you? (if you go to one and don't mean to offend by the question) Anything I say doesn't seem to be enough because you are going though a colossal crisis, just know that I'm praying for you and your children.
I will try to answer everyone's questions, but I have been up for 24 hours so bear with me. The 5 is the filing fee for the legal separation I am seeking. If I file for divorce, I lose my medical benefits that I so desperately need. The legal separation is so I won't be responsible for all the wrong financial decisions he is making. As an example, son's car got caught in a bad flash flood we had here in the spring. son found a car for the exact price the insurance was paying him for the car. Hubby kept the 00 and financed the car, so now we are making payments on it for 5 yrs! Ugh all that interest... we got a shut off notice for our water because he hasnt been paying it. stupid stuff like that. He carries all bills to and from work so I cannot see who or what we owe. I know he has been opening other accounts too. I have learned not to bring it up because of his temper. Here it is called the housing authority and I am number 105 on the list, so you can see the great need. ALL shelters in the area are full and because of my boys' ages, they would have to go to a "mens" shelter by themselves and no way am I doing that. I called all numbers I could find for military assistance and left messages, but being a Fri for military, it's already their weekend. I haven't said anything to neighbors, church, etc. beccause I really don;t want them to know. I told my neighbor I am closest to, but she is going through the same thing except she is losing her house anytime now.
One of the things that has hurt my case is the fact that I have never called the police or kept a written log of incidents. Hubby has always worked in law enforcement and is trying to get on with border patrol. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that. If he is hired, I will receive spousal support and we have a much better chance of him paying off these bills. I am responsible for half of them, even though he racked them up. Plus, he will be moving far, far away. He tore apart our house 4 years ago to remodel and has all the supplies, but everything including the kitchen is half done. I want him in the house so he can finish them and sell the house for a nice profit and pay off some of these bills.
Wow, It just occured to me that the Elks lodge has money set aside for things like this. I have used them many times to help other people. What is so sad is because I am unable to work, I have always volunteered in the community and have been able to get help for everybody, but it seems this time all the help out there is tapped out.
On a different note. I had my rheumatologist appt on thurs. and I finally got the courae to tell him what was happening and of course I was crying and he started crying as well. He wrote a letter to the judge telling him I was too sick to work until further notice...
That is awesome news about the RD writing you that letter. Bravo to you for having the courage to tell him. I have been having issues with my other half too so I understand your frustrations and concerns. I know that a lot of my RA flares and issues revolve around him and the problems we have. I would like to tell everything to my RD. I will when I work up the courage as you have.
I hope you can get some much needed help and answers soon.Keep us posted.
mom2
Prayers for you and your children.I know how you feel about not wanting to broadcast your problems to your community, I've been there many years ago and even though I shouldn't have, I felt very ashamed. You mentioned you'll lose your benefits, I'm not sure about your state, but in VA, SC & TX (I've lived in all 3) the wife (or husband) stays on the insurance until the divorce is actually finalized, NOT at the separation.Audrey, that is correct, which is why I filed for separation and not divorce. I desperately need my medical benefits. He won't divorce me because he wants me to be able to see my doctors and get my medicines.Well owie, I will keep you and your kids in my prayers and I wish there was some magical thing I could say to make you feel better but there isn't. All I can say is keep your chin up and take care of yourself first and foremost. Reach out to anyone in your commuity that is willing to help, I know there are good people out there somewhere.I'm with the others that didn't see the first part of this saga...so, has your husband actually physically abused you or threatened to you with his guns? I'm glad he at least has the decency to separate instead of divorcing you, insurance is one more thing you don't need to be worrying about. Take care, Deb. You're in my prayers.Usually if you go to a womans shelter they do not make you pay for the restraining order. As volunteers do the parer work and go to court for you. Or it least that is the way it is done around here. Sorry you are being treated like this.I am so sorry...you will get through this!!!Sweetie, my heart is with you. As you can see you have many friends who are here for you, and care about you very much!
I'm so sorry you are having trouble finding the help you need. I wonder if the judge is also an abuser? I don't know who else could be so indifferent to that kind of cruelty.
I, also, do not remember ever reading anything about your troubles. I suspect that you kept them to yourself, not wanting anyone to know what you were living with. I say this, because, I too, went through something similar many, many years ago. No one had a clue until I actually split up with him. Even then, I didn't share the more sordid details for a long time. I don't advise keeping it to yourself, however.Please get any help you can to get through this. You don't have to face it alone.
I admire your courage in getting away now. It's not easy, but the peace you can feel after you make the move, is worth it.
Take care, Sweetie. Keep up with your doctor appts. You need to try to keep your stress down. You will need all your strength. But I know you can do it and go on to find happiness and peace.
Much love, Nini
I hope you get it all figured out. I really feel for your children who are in the middle. Do they see their dad threatening you? Has he actually physically abused you? Here in IL the restraining orders are free to the "victim". Do you have family you can go to?
Can you see another judge, make appeal? Just throwing stuff out there. What a situation. I am so sorry you and your kids have to go through this.
My prayers to you too!
Deb I am so very sorry to see that your situation has come to this. :(
I am not at all familiar with how ' the system ' works in USA but you have given me a little insight. As much as we here can send our love, thoughts and prayers to you....you NEED emergency housing and emotional support in your home town/city obviously. Do you belong to a church or some other group that can maybe help? Get in touch with your Citizens Advice people and see what is available in your area. Do you belong to an Arthritis Support group or Organisation,?... they may have some ideas and clout to help you get to a safe place.
How wonderful that your RD was so supportive, that man deserves a big pat on the back and the Judge is just what everyone else has called him!!
Hugs to you Deb, be strong. I am thinking of you and will be back to amend this post if I think of something else.
Lyn xxxx
ETA: OK, I have just googled Citizens Advice and see that you most likely dont have that in the USA but Im sure you have something similar? It is a place where anyone can call with any question about where to find anything in your area. Anything!
I understand how you must feel about being in touch with a church group or similar (after rereading your posts) but really, in a situation like you find yourself in, you may have to go there even though it would be hard.
The stress you have had sure isnt going to be helping your RA. You need to be in a gentle peaceful place both physically and mentally and I wish I was close by to help.
Hugs again....xxxx
LyndeeNZ2008-09-28 04:54:21You keep mentioning the military. Is your husband in the military? If so; I think they would be interested in knowing how he is treating his wife. Maybe stop by your Congressman's district office. Especially if he's in the military; they can help you. I know you don't want to mess things up for him but he's not giving you that same consideration. Your first concern has to be yourself and your children.
You mention your ex-husband. Is he the father of your other children? I don't knowwhat your relationship is with him....but if he thought the safety of his children....and maybe even you were in danger would he be willing to help you some how? I also have an ex-husband and I know if he thought for one minute that someone was going to harm me or his children he'd do anything possible to help me.
Where are your family? Even if they live in another state....I'd consider at least contacting them.
I hope you can soon find some help. This sounds like a very scary situation. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children.
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