I have never put such a personal issue but I have no one to turn to at this point.
I have been married 20 years and last 5 years have not been that great. But the flair up of my RA has pretty much broken my marriage. My husband is having and affair with a young girl. He goes away on business trips and spends all of his time with her I know it is a matter of time before he leaves me for her. He has admitted the affair and tells me he will stop seeing her… but he still calls her and tells her he loves her. My husband tells me that he will take care of me and (I do not work) and not leave me for her. But I do not believe him he has lied so much about so many things in the past year. My disease has made it hard for me to work. I am not sure what to do. Should I go to a lawyer now? I have no family I can stay with…and I have 2 kids
My heart is broken
Get yourself a lawyer girlfreind protect your but. It is supposed to be through good times and bad what if the tables were turned PROTECT YOURSELF AND THE KIDS>>>>IT is really hard to get the trust back sorry but you are strong you have made it through so much the kids your ra you can do it. ......TERESA
Dear Maria,
I feel so terribly bad for you. This possibly is the worst time in your life. To have to deal with 2 emotional problems at once. The RA and the possible loss of your husband and his support at a time when you are most vulnerable...
My first thought would be to make sure that you and the children are protected in case your husband decided to try for a separation or divorce. Talk with a lawyer now. It is better to know where you stand if the situation may come to that.
Now, knowing that your husband is involved with someone else, may not be the end of the world. Often, in a marriage, things become routine and the fireworks die down. Ask your husband to please sit down and talk with you about what has happened in your marriage, that might have sent him looking for another woman. Please be prepared to hear things that you may not want to. but we all have reasons for our actions and they need to be listened too and at least tried to be understood. If the conversation goes well and with out to much anger on either side, then it would be time to see if outside help may be usefull,
If there is any one that you are close enough to confide in. try to engage in a conversation with them as to what is happening and maybe they can offer you some help. I think that it should be someone who is not in the thick of the Forrest. Meaning, not your best friends, yours or his. Some one with an affiliation with a church, Medical or Support Centers.
Also, go on the web and goggle for possible support groups that deal with your situation. Not the ones that just want to vent about one sided feelings but groups that try to see both sides of the picture.
Please remember too. That often when a man has an affair, it is basically about sex, not love. It would be very unrealistic to think that marriage would stop some men or woman from thinking that it is OK to have sex while married Men and women do not think or see the same things on the same levels.
I have included a link to a site that may help you understand what is going on in your marriage. Please try to take some time to go to the site. I think it may help you understand what might be happening in your marriage and offer some answers as to the reason "why."
http://www.infidelityadvice.com/
I will keep you and your family in my prayers,
Toni
Toni you had some very supportive things to says to heart broken, but i do no think he cares? he would not do this to her if he cared. he has to know how it effects her RA. my husband's x-wife cheated on him,she did because she was self-est.when he told her she should leave,she did not even look back.she left her two children behind. I really hope she will gets some legal advice. I know people make it through things like this. i just would never tolerate it. i was raised with a very deep sense of self proud and respect.My grandpa always told all of us. if, you do not take care of yourself no one will.
I tend to agree with Gina...and Teresa also. Once the trust is broken it's often lost forever.
Only you know what you want to do...but trust me when I say; being in a bad marriage is far worse than being single. Your health depends on your happiness.
Speaking to a Lawyer without your husbands knowledge would be a wise idea IF you have the funds available to go see one. It's very expensive, but often you can go in and meet with an attorney for a one time fee just to discuss your situation.
If possible I'd advise you to start stocking away some money for yourself. I know you said your husband promised to alway take care of you...but often women get left high and dry. What a man says today might not be the case two years down the road when he's under the influence of his new sexy, young lover.
My heart breaks for you Sweetheart...but life is too short to live unhappy. If this man isn't going to treat you with the love, respect and devotion that you deserve cut him loose. There are plenty of men out there that would love and care for you.
One last thing; If you have proof that your husband is having an affair; compile evidence. It might not be something you'd want to bring up in court....but when it goes down to you being left out in the cold you might change your mind. Doesn't hurt to be prepaired. He's likely to give you anything you want to keep that information secret.
Much Love;
Lovie
I would see a lawyer to cover your butt but I have to admit - I never thought I would say this - but I would not give up on my marriage. It is too precious to me. It would break my heart but if you had a substantial love between you - it may be worth trying to regain the trust and communication. Maybe counseling. I would never have said this in the past but I am with the love of my life. It would be very difficult to leave him. Good luck Teri. I am so sorry you are going through this.
AMEN LOVIE!!!!
Seek advice from an attorney. Many will give a 30 minute free consultation. There are are support groups for separated/divorced people. The heads of these groups often can refer you to someone thats knowlegeable about separation rights. You need to know your rights and how to protect yourself and your children. You are hurt now, but it will be easier mentally and physically for you to obtain information NOW. You'll feel 100% more devastated ( mentally and physically) when he tells you he wants a divorce. You won't be able to react and know where to turn.
Take care- please protect your future now,
Kieye
sorry for your problems, please take care of yourself especially for your children, you will be in my thoughts and prayers. marriage should be taken for the good nd the bad in sickness and health, just some guys just dont get it. best of luck debbieMaria, My heart breaks for you. I hear this story over and over again from women who do not even have this disease. The people here have given you some excellant advice, but you have to be strong and follow thru with it. No so easy to do, but we will all pray that you are given the strength to do what has to be done.
Dear Maria,
I hope that you are feeling a little better...I was thinking about you and thought that maybe you did need to go to some type of support forum and speak out about your feeling and hurts, on your husbands infedelity... the one that I gave you, seems to be more of a commercial site now and you don't need that. I did find a listing of different sites that deal with spousal infidelity. That is the link I added in here for you..
http://www.chatcheaters.com/forums.html.
Please know that you are not alone and we are always here to help out when we can. If only to listen to you.
I am keeping you and your family in my prayers.
Toni
Bless you all for your very very helpful advise. I keep thinking he will change his mind and stop seeing this girl but I am living in a dream world. I am going to see a lawyer and I am also seeing a therpist and socking away money and evidence.
Thank you!!!!
Maria,
I'm so proud of you! It takes a lot of guts to take those first steps!! You will see that the more active you are in sticking up for yourself and children the better you will feel. Seeing a therapist is a great thing to! When everything is said and done no matter what way things go. Your husband it going to look back and ask himself what was he thinking and kick himself in the ass over and over and over.....
Keep us informed on your progress! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Stay strong.
Maria,
I'm sure you are busy with everything going on in your life! Could i get an update? How are things going? How are you feeling? Gina
Hi... I am doing ok.. sometimes and I am ok other times I could hit/mash/choke my husband.
I am trying to keep myself busy and yesterday I felt like eating again so that is a good sign. I feel I have a long hard road ahead of me and my arthritis pain has gone from 8 to 5. which is good. The funny thing is if I push away all the lies and the affair I still love my husband..????? I also found a lawyer and she should return by call by tomorrow.
Thank you
Wow! I have been offline for a while and only just read your post.
I have always believed that after love trust is one of the most important things in a marriage. Once it has gone it can never be regained. Even if you forgive him now, there will be nagging doubts which will come up all the time and that will slowly choke your marriage. Your husband has said he will stay and look after you becasue he feels he should. But that will wear off sooner or later. My Mum always says, "never trust a man ho leaves his wife for you, he will probably do the same to you".
You are doing all the right things (great advice on here as usual) and the fact that you feel a little better probably means you have been putting off this decision for a long time, and now a weight is off your mind. This could all be for the best. There is nothing wrong with still loving your husband and if you can stay on good terms throughout then all the better.
Good luck, I hope it all works ut for you. Keep us up to date.
Love
Niki
I know my husband still has love for his x-wife. Not all their years together were bad. They have two children together. I' so glad you are felling better! That is a good sign! Keep us posted!! Or I will bug You. Take care! Gina
Just because you love someone doesn't always mean you can stay married to him....but just because your husband cheats on you doesn't mean you have to divorce him either.
Only you can decide those things Maria. We're here to love and support you whatever you decide. All we can do is tell you our experience and hope that what some of us have been through can help you.
No matter what you decide it won't be easy. I divorced my husband...but it wasn't an easy thing for me to do. I still layed on the bathroom floor crying like I've never cried before for days. I don't regret it though.
It was the beginning of the rest of my life. A new life that's been even more wonderful than I ever imagined it could be 5 years ago when I decided to start over alone.
Stay strong.
Lovie
Thank you again for all your messages! I read them all at least once a day to stay strong. I find it very hard to stay motivated and my saddness is deep. Can anyone recommend an anti depressant to help me through this period? Also my husband is going away again for about a month so I will not post for awhile...I just need to do alot if thinking and take care of my self.
Sincerely
Hi Maria,
Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and your family and hope that things seem to be getting a little better.
Your strength seems to be getting stronger and through that you will overcome the problems that you are faced with...I am keeping you and your family in my prayers and please remember that you are not alone.
God Bless you and your family and keep you all safe,
Toni
Before my husband went on his last trip I told him I knew he was still talking to his young girlfriend and I wanted a divorce. He told me he would stop see her...and that he did not want a divorce. I have been asking him why he was having this affair ( he has confessed to many one night stands in this past year also). He feels our sex life is not where it should be ( needs more sex) and the affairs are gifts that he has given himself. And he deserves to be satisfied because he cannot get this from someone who is crippled and in pain(me) But he still loves me and wants to stay married (B.S.!!!!!!!)
This is the last time I will write about this man. I no longer trust or respect this man... he is no longer worth the time and energy. I will leave him.Hi Maria,
First, I'd like to say I am sorry about your marriage. But I have a few questions for you. Do you think the RA has contributed significantly to the failure of your marriage? Some men just have that roaming eye no matter what? Maybe there were other parts of your marriage that were contributing to him straying? I am not saying he was right in what he has done. We all know he is guilty.I know you say you can not trust him anymore and rightfully so. But do you think you both can go to marriage counseling before you make any final decisions?
But on the flip side, and to protect yourself and your children financially, yes, I would seek a lawyer soon (at least for advice). You do need to think of your future!
Oh, I just read more about your situation and about the one night stands he's had. Yes, he CAN NOT BE TRUSTED!
If there's a will, there's a way! You need to keep your sanity (sp). If you are not doing well emotionally cause he is dragging you down, it will definitely effect your RA and you deserve better than that!!!
After you work out the legistics and divorece him, you can move on! The members on this board will be here to listen and to support you! I really do hope you do what is best for you and your children. I know you are strong because anyone with RA needs to be strong, emotionally.
Best wishes to you and I hope to talk to you again.
hatehavingra
I feel our down fall was not the RA...but the things that were happening before the RA.. but we just stopped taking care of each other in bed and outside the bed. For him work came first and for me the children can first.
We have been together over 20 years and this is the first time for him and I blame myself because he is a good man.
Those of you who are married or engaged take care of your mate let him/her know they are loved eveyday!!! Keep your realtionship strong with happy memories. This will be my last e-mail that will be not related to RA. Thank you to all of you...
Sincerely
Maria~I'll keep you in my prayers. I can only imagine what a difficult time you must be having...but Sweetheart; you deserve better.
You put yourself first. Everything happens for a reason. Have faith in that.
AND; you talk about anything that's on your mind here. RA is often the largest thing on our minds, but it's not everything. We're here to support each other.
Lovie
Maria, I have been reading about your sadness and my heart goes out to you. Lovie is right, there are so many people that are here and ready to lend an ear. And she is right, we don't always have to talk about RA.
You had wrote about how your husband was having affairs because he wasn't getting what he needed at home. I know that personally it is difficult to have sex when you have RA. And this is a subject that I don't see on here too much. I'm so sorry that your husband felt he had to go and give himself a "gift". I sincerely hope that you follow your heart and do what you feel is best for you and your children. You are in my prayers.
Lesle
Hi Maria,
I hope today brings to you a day of hope, kindness and consideration for you.
I have posted on your problem before. I always advocated that working out the problem is the best recourse to what seemed to be a bad situation. As I have been following your post, I must admit I do not feel this way any more.
I have been where you are and I also know that things do not change over night or may never change. I also felt the loneliness that seems to be shrouding you right now.
After reading what your husband had said to you. I was amazed that he feels that he is a victim and hence is indeed deserving of loving consul (his little gifts) from another store, so to speak.
I do believe that a copy of this humble marriage vow, should be given to him. When he is about to leave on a trip out of town, it should always find away into his suitcase. I also believe that this (humble vow) should be given to your Lawyer along with all the proof you can find on his adultery ( preferably at the same time you place it in your husbands suitcase).
We always hope that we can save our marriages and we try every angle there is to do it ( including taking the whole burden on our shoulders and saying "it is my fault") but the real truth is that marriage vows are sometimes forgotten and that they serve as contract between two people to be there for each other even if it means you both will have to walk together in bad times as well as good time. Not bale out because one person is sick amd may not be able to perform the marriage duties as well as once where done. This does not entitle anyone to have special gifts or special compensations, if the marriage runs in to a few snags. ( children, health, money woes and yes sexual problems).
Life can be unkind Maria, I hope that your life is spared any more unkindness from the one person who vowed to be there for you in sickness and in health.
Copy this Maria, read often and make sure your husband never runs out of a copy of this either.
MARRIAGE VOW
"I, (Name),
Take you, (Name),
To be my (wife/husband);
To have and to hold,
From this day forward,
For better, for worse,
For richer, for poorer,
To love and to cherish in sickness and in health,
'Till death do us part." (or, "As long as we both shall live.")
My prayers are for you and your family.
Toni