Do Spouses understand | Arthritis Information

 

Even though your hubby has mentioned the D word, is he still willing to work on things?  I know many men shy away from counselling, but that would be ideal, whether it is with a couples counsellor, social worker, psychologist, minister, or whomever.  But even if he's not willing to go, you should go if you can as it can help you a great deal with everything you have to face.

 

Also, if he's not willing to go, there are other things you can do.  I highly recommend you both read this great book...Beyond Chaos: One Man's Journey Beside His Chronically Ill Wife by Gregg Piburn.   I just loaned my copy to one of my counsellor's other clients whose wife has fibromyalgia.  It is a great book on getting the spouse perspective as well as dealing with the issues that come up.

 

It also sounds like your hubby may expect that you will be "cured".  He may need help understanding that this is a chronic illness and you might never be exactly where you were before.  Taking him to your rheumy appt is an excellent suggestion.  There are also a number of "letters" on the internet to people so they can understand about chronic illness.  Here's just a few, maybe one will help him:

 

I wonder also, since you've only had it 2 years (like me), if your hubby ever went through the grieving stage.  I think it is important for our spouses to go through that process of their own and to be able to express their sadness not just at our illnesses, but on what they have lost as well.  When that happens it can be difficult to not take personally, but it is very important.

 

When we are dealing with this disease as well as all the everyday household things, it can be easy to overlook spending quality time together.  Even if it's just watching a video on the television together with some popcorn, see if you can spend some time forgetting about the illness and the things to do, and just spend time as a couple.

 

Be hopeful. If your husband used to understand, then he can get back there.  Hang in there, and remember if you are strong enough to deal with this disease, you are strong enough to fight for your marriage.

 

Maybe his aches and pains are significant - you don't have to have RA to have pain.  He might feel that he's got no one to lean on when he's sick/hurting/whatever.  He may feel trapped in a way - like he's not allowed to have pain or be ill.  I certainly felt that way after my husband's heart attack - no matter what was wrong with me, I felt as if I could not afford the "luxury" of being sick.  I had to take care of him - he could barely take care of himself for several months.  Plus we had two babies (I was 7.5 months pregnant when he had the heart attack), and babies certainly don't cut you any slack!  I was worn-out tired, resentful, angry, felt trapped, and life really sucked.  Bigtime.

I highly recommend counseling - seek a counselor whose practice concentrates on couples dealing with chronic illness and disability.
Maybe -but he should shut up if I can't talk about mine.  I count too. I can pretty much guarentee it's the "man" intolerance to pain thing. Plus he has things he can fix but chooses just to complain about them instead.

I agree with a lot of people here.  I am sorry you are experiencing this.  been there done that too.  I do think marriage is difficult for so many reasons.  A lot of it has to do with expectations.  Some people are not willing to compromise on the expectations they have about a wife when the wife takes ill. I think the same is true for women but women tend to be the caregivers anyway so it isn't such a huge adjustment for some women.  If you have a husband who also has a pain condition right along with you, he may be more understanding but if he is perfectly healthy then it seems he is less understanding or simply cannot relate. 

 

I took my husband to all of my appts. So that may work and it may not. but certainly worth a try.  My dh would look at the damage on the x-rays and still behave like I was faking the illness when we got home.  We lost our special needs daughter 4 years ago, marriages barely survive a loss like that and the life with her here was difficult on him as well.  He was always taking jobs out of town even then.  The list goes on and on.  He is presently working 3,000 miles out of town. that is his way of staying married to be gone all the time.   So I have formed the opinion that not everybody is cut out to be caregivers and don't really take the vows in sickness and in health seriously.  My personality is such I will rescue a sick kitten or needy animal to nurse them back to health. He would always say leave them out there, they will survive.  I think you have to be a nurturing personality type to begin with in order to handle a sudden illness and the cost that comes with illness is outrageous and enough to cause problems..

 

The D-word is mentioned (yelled actually) often around here.  At first I felt okay about it because at least I still have his insurance but then he let the insurance go. so then I was stuck with my terrible insurance and now I will have to let that go because I have been unable to work.  So I can relate to your fears about the insurance and the security a marriage brings, it can be scary getting divorced but sometimes it is the only way.  You can't force people to stay where they don't want to and all that stress from the arguments makes the disease worse. your body can never heal with that kind of stress regardless of your medicines.

 

I hope you two work things out and he is turns out be a nurturing, understanding soul but always save for a rainy day just in case, free up a credit card for you and put away enough to live on for as long as you can. . A legal advisor can tell you many ways to protect yourself.  I am taking risky meds to gain independence. I have gotten a prescription for physical therapy. I am always searching for a way to earn a living even while in pain so when that day comes.  But I know firsthand this is not a disease you want to be left on your own with so I really hope things are not as bad as they seem. but you are definitely not alone in your feelings about this.  hang in there.

Shelly, I am so sorry to hear about your daughter, and your difficulties.  Your advice is very wise. 

There was a couple I know about, Sarah and Jesse.  Jesse owned a small store, and also had some real estate investments, Sarah was a stay-at-home mom, but also helped Jesse run the store.  They had 8 kids, so Sarah's days were long and exhausting.  She developed RA, it came on very quickly, and she got very sick.  Her kids did a lot around the house to keep things going, and helped take care of the younger kids.  Her medical care was very limited, there wasn't much that could be done to stop the disease and she became quite disabled.

 

Jesse was used to the way things used to be, and he couldn't deal with having a sick wife who wasn't able to be with him the way she used to be.  There was a young widow that lived nearby, and Jesse started cheating with that neighbor woman.  And he wasn't very good at it, because everyone in town knew he was cheating, and it came back to Sarah.  Their children knew about it too, and were all angry with their dad.

 

Even though Sarah didn't know how she was going to support herself or her kids, she got mad, and she filed for divorce.  A divorce was something that had never been done before in their family, but Sarah was a very strong woman, and she wasn't going to put up with Jesse's ways any longer.  This was not what marriage was supposed to be, it was supposed to be "in sickness and in health".  The judge was angered also by Jesse's behavior, and ordered him to provide for Sarah for the rest of her life.  She moved out of town, her kids followed, and Jesse married the neighbor.  For the rest of his life, his kids had very little to do with him.

 

I just recently learned about Sarah and Jesse's story.  They were my great, great, great grandparents, and their divorce was in 1882!  Divorce in those days was practically unheard of, so Sarah had to have been an amazing woman to have the strength and determination to go through with a divorce and fight Jesse the way she did.  A lot of the details of her illness and his infidelity are in their divorce papers.  I have so much admiration for her, and I also can’t imagine how she dealt with RA back then, when  there really was no treatment for it, other than home remedies.   But strangely, I also feel sorry for Jesse, because he lost a lot too, especially in his relationship with his children. 

 

So I guess RA has been putting strains on marriages for a very long time.

 

 

 

[QUOTE=chrise4983]I think My RA is ruining my marriage. I was diagnosed about 2 years ago andI was hithard. I spent alot of time sleeping. Asyou all know  the pain can terrible. Flash  forward to today...I am better..the flairs  are  less but the pain still comes. My husband used to be understanding but nowI think heis fed up with me not being able to do something I could before expample ...cleaning to his standards..always making  dinner every night...thelist with him goes on and on.

  I have been  married  for 20 years and  raised my kids(youngest is 13) I have only  worked partime and still do. He has  voiced his opion about how I need to be better in the wifely ways. I am just so upset.. I can't be the way I used to be...fun and happy etc.  I HURT!!

 He has brought up the "D" word, my fear is what the  heck am I suppose to do now? Due to RA I don't think I could work  fulltime to support myself and I don't wantto eventhink of the loss of the insurance if we do split. The Enbrel twice  weekly  would not be an option to take.  I guess what I am trying to get at  has anyone  divorced  because of the disease and all the pressures that go with it. I guess I am just stupid that I didn't see this earlier. [/QUOTE] joonie2008-11-24 11:31:29I think we need to remeber, men like to fix things ( speaking  generally)  when they realize they can't "fix" RA it hits their pride. They promised to love honor and comfort you and they can't comfort  the kind of pain you have now. COUNSELING I just wrote a big long post that I deleted because I decided I didn't want to air my dirty laundry for all to see. The way I am and have been treated is embarrassing quite frankly. Please don't make excuses for my husband- he is not here for support I am. If I didn't have a real problem I wouldn't have commiserated with the rest of the people having problems in this area. When my husband says GO TO BED it means I don't want to hear it- [QUOTE=kathy_in_wlsv]I think we need to remeber, men like to fix things ( speaking  generally)  when they realize they can't "fix" RA it hits their pride. They promised to love honor and comfort you and they can't comfort  the kind of pain you have now.[/QUOTE] I hear you and I agree you are the one here for support.  I think a lot of others agree too even if they don't post.  I almost didn't respond to your post but I totally understand what you mean and where you are coming from.  I am certainly not interested in his point of view only that you do what is right for you and for your individual situation.  If you should decide to go into marriage counseling, understanding each other's point of view will be something you will do in counseling. I am not a counselor but a fellow chronic pain sufferer offering a listening ear and sharing my experiences.  I cope by taking care of me by placing myself in a position where if I had to go it alone, what type of tools, skills would I need to become financially independent or emotionally independent.  some people may be financially independent already, something highly recommended before marriage. hindsight is 20/20. but a lot of people are scared to death of being alone.  Then you just work on those things.  I pray it never gets to that point and you two will always have each other.

I met a surgical tech where I worked. She wasn't ill but she had been in an abusive marriage for years.  He was an alcholic.  It took her 20 years to leave him but when she did, she told me she had bought a new house and had it fully furnished before she left him.  She had 4 children and one is now a doctor.  Now granted she didn't have severe pain everyday like the kind of pain RA can bring but she had a plan.Hillhoney,

Thank you so much.  I have come a long way since her passing.

Also, what a brave great, great, great grandma!  Amazing!

I take strength from real life stories like these.  Thanks for sharing it with us.

take care.

Oh My gosh, these posts have been so interesting . I do know that I am not alone. I will try to get him to my next appointment. My 13 year old was diagnosed with Jra earlier this year, in his miing its still doctors "practicing" medicene , you therefore my son really doesn't want to say he has arthritis. I really try to talk to him too about the importance of his meds and disease etc.  I can relate to alot of you and I pray that we can work out our problems with out being divorced. I so thank everyone for their input and hope this thread can continue so we can vent, we need it!! Chris please make sure you make your son accept he has RA.  I was in denial for so many years because I was diagnosed at the age of 25 and just could not accept that I was sick,  and irreparable damage has been done.  Tell him if he takes his meds now he may go into remission. Chris, if your husband's attitude towards your condition is influencing your son not to accept this diagnosis, it might be necessary to show your husband some of those scary untreated-RA hands photos on the internet to shock him into understanding.  Explain that when he says x, y and z to you, your son is getting the wrong message and it could have a profound impact on his future.  I think there's a tendency to be more protective of our children than our spouses, but if he sees the link between the two, it may help him to rethink how he can be supportive. Well, I need to add that IF it comes down to divorce, make sure the judge knows WHY he is divorcing you, and make him take care of you! The judge can order just about anything, and since it's a selfish reason to divorce, I would push for insurance, of course max child support, and also supplment your part time job because of a chronic illness.

I know this sounds selfish, but why should your life suffer just because you can no longer keep everything perfect BECAUSE OF A CHRONIC ILLNESS!

ADDED: I have been married for 34 years, and we have 3 children. One still lives with us as well as her daughter; our granddaughter. They are BOTH messy! GrammaKathy2008-11-25 11:35:35
Copyright ArthritisInsight.com