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 - an antidote to all that mushy stuff 
   


A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. 


LyndeeNZ2008-12-10 16:33:16 cuteLyndee-
 
Very cute.
HA! That's a good one!Thanks for the laugh Lyndee!  Janie. If you are a wee bit broadminded....read this!!!
 
http://members.tripod.com/~newyearseve/12days.html
 
What a hoot! Thou Shalt Not Skim Flavor From The Holidays

By Craig Wilson, USA TODAY

I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts. Eliminate second helpings,high calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say. Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.

  1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
  2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an egg-nogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
  3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
  4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
  5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?
  6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
  7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.
  8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat (please see a doctor and have this treated you poor thing), have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
  9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.
  10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner. 


Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar
     December 1
     Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn
upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
     December 2
     Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
answering machine.
     December 3
     Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion
cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
     December 4
     Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
     December 5
     Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
     December 6
     Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for
consideration.
     December 7
     Debug Windows '95
     December 8
     Decorate homegrown Christmas tree with scented candles handmade
with beeswax from my backyard bee colony.
     December 9
     Record own Christmas album complete with 4 part harmony and all
instrument accompaniment performed by myself. Mail to all my friends and loved
ones.
     December 10
     Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
     December 11
     Lay Faberge egg.
     December 12
     Erect ice skating rink in front yard using spring water I bottled
myself. Open for neighborhood children's use. Create festive mood by hand
making snow and playing my Christmas album.
     December 13
     Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly
for decorative pie crusts.
     December 14
     Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
     December 15
     Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case
tires are shot out at mall.
     December 17
     Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
     December 19
     Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same
height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
     December 20
     Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar
to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
     December 21
     Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and
cinnamon sticks.
     December 22
     Float votive candles in toilet tank.
     December 23
     Seed clouds for white Christmas.
     December 24
     Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in
last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate
than they really are.
     December 25
     Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with
homemade potpourri.
     December 26
     Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
     December 27
     Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
     December 28
     Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
     December 29
     Hand sew 365 quilts, each using 365 material squares I weaved
myself used to represent the 365 days of the year. Donate to local orphanages.
     December 30
     Release flock of white doves, each individually decorated with
olive branches, to signify desire of world peace.
     December 31
     New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each
time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
(lololol...http://www.jacquielawson.com:80/viewcard.asp?code=ER13610552

 






I used to subscribe to this site....beautiful cards. This one has a surprise when you have completed it!!
Thanks for the jokes! I am printing some of them out to send to my mom. I send her a weekly mailing of Joel Osteen inspirational messages and like to send some humorous reading as well.
Ok if you are EXTREMELY Broadminded.

 


 I mean EXTREMELY


 



 


Ive had this around for 8 years and still play it  ..  call me warped


 

 
  

  
  
 
 

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