OT my husband | Arthritis Information

 

ever since he came home from his trip on sunday my husband has been mad at me.   he got really mad monday when i felt so bad.    how do i handle this?    he is mad because i am sick i guess?   w.w.

Silly question --- have you asked him??

 

 

maybe he is stressed out over the company you guys have.  It is hard for those close to us to remember how painful and debilitating this disease can be.  Can you try talking to him?  Maybe it is a huge misunderstanding??he is never happy about company.    not much of a talker,  just leave me alone is all you get.  he says he is tired and upset because i am always sick.....    he is not helping the overall situation.   w.w.That is terrible.  I am sorry you are going through this.  I hope he gets over it real fast.  They just have no idea how hard it is on those of us that are actually sick.                          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwBirf4BWew I'm sorry you are not getting the support that you need. I understand how you are feeling. awww WonderWoman... These are stressfull times. please try to communicate with him, if he does not respond, maybe tell him you will give him a "free pass" for a few days, then you would like to talk to him. He knows you are sick, and he probably knows he is being a butt, but sometimes stress and emotions need "time" to sort out. Best of Luck to you. inflamedOnline2008-12-11 19:01:20I hate it when that happens. As if we are not unhappy enough about being sick others get all whiny about it. Comments like you are always sick. Usually my response is to get mad back. That doesn't solve anything of course. Maybe he is mad because it is hard for him seeing you in pain and there is nothing he can do about it.  He loves you and it is probably hard for him to see you in such pain, not that taking it out on you makes it any easier.Bump [QUOTE=shykymom]That is terrible.  I am sorry you are going through this.  I hope he gets over it real fast.  They just have no idea how hard it is on those of us that are actually sick. I don't know- WW feels bad because she has shingles and isn't feeling good at all and her husband is going around acting mad at her for being ill and that is making her feel even worse. I'm not making excuses for him - just stating the facts.  I've been the healthy spouse with a sick mate.  It's hard as hell.  First off, the one you love is suffering and there's not much you can do to alleviate it.  That's hard to deal with.  Second, you end up with more of the chores and drudgery.  At times it can just get overwhelming.  As a matter of fact, I ended up having a bit of a breakdown, which is not uncommon for people whose spouse has a chronic condition.  Placing blame doesn't do any good.  Communication does.   Jas i have to disagree. My husband was involved in an accident years back and was bedridden for 13 months, never did I find it hard to put up with him, look after him . I didnt like to see him in pain and that was hard but I would never have treated him in any other . Since I have been ill my husband has never berated me for being this way or shown any distaste for having to help me. Im going through a bad flare at the moment and as well as going to work everyday my husband has cooked, cleaned and done some xmas shopping.  I guess I am very lucky . [QUOTE=pincushion]Jas i have to disagree. My husband was involved in an accident years back and was bedridden for 13 months, never did I find it hard to put up with him, look after him . I didnt like to see him in pain and that was hard but I would never have treated him in any other . Since I have been ill my husband has never berated me for being this way or shown any distaste for having to help me. Im going through a bad flare at the moment and as well as going to work everyday my husband has cooked, cleaned and done some xmas shopping.  I guess I am very lucky . Sorry Jas I do realise that people do have other issues to take into consideration and I know how hard it is, im not saying its easy as I too had 3 small children and my father had just passed away, its def. not easy but I just think WW husband needs to give her some consideration. [QUOTE=pincushion]Sorry Jas I do realise that people do have other issues to take into consideration and I know how hard it is, im not saying its easy as I too had 3 small children and my father had just passed away, its def. not easy but I just think WW husband needs to give her some consideration. [/QUOTE]

I'm not denying that - but we also can't forget about our loved ones and the extra burden they must bear on our behalf at times.  They need consideration as well - it can be quite stressful on them as well.
I realise that too, but its about knowledge and learning together about the signs and symptoms, the treatment and the long term outlook...WW husband must be willing to learn these things and WW must also learn that things will be difficult but at the end of the day she should know 100% that her husband is behind her to help.  I am not having a go at anyone or saying that WW husband is wrong for his feelings but he is wrong if he doesnt try to understand and hes wrong if he keeps getting angry.[QUOTE=wanttobeRAfree]I don't know- WW feels bad because she has shingles and isn't feeling good at all and her husband is going around acting mad at her for being ill and that is making her feel even worse. [/QUOTE] [QUOTE=reegie][QUOTE=wanttobeRAfree]I don't know- WW feels bad because she has shingles and isn't feeling good at all and her husband is going around acting mad at her for being ill and that is making her feel even worse. [/QUOTE] [/QUOTE] [QUOTE=wanttobeRAfree] [QUOTE=reegie][QUOTE=wanttobeRAfree]I don't know- WW feels bad because she has shingles and isn't feeling good at all and her husband is going around acting mad at her for being ill and that is making her feel even worse. [/QUOTE] [QUOTE=wanttobeRAfree] [QUOTE=wanttobeRAfree] [QUOTE=reegie][QUOTE=wanttobeRAfree]I don't know- WW feels bad because she has shingles and isn't feeling good at all and her husband is going around acting mad at her for being ill and that is making her feel even worse. [/QUOTE] [/QUOTE][/QUOTE]

Then he should join his own support group.

WW is here for us to support and validate her feelings.

Emotional pain hurts just as deeply as physical pain.

If we post my shoulders are hurting so bad today do we want people to post back- Yeah RA makes your shoulders hurt. That's obvious too isn't it? It makes it seem like she is not allowed to be upset that her husband has hurt her. I think it is very insensitive. reegie2008-12-12 15:01:57Nor do I reegie- I just want to explain how it feels I know how it feels, on some level I think we all do!I don't think so-

Little judgmental aren't we?  You don't know me at all your opinion means nothing.  Have a great day!

you certainly got nasty quick- I honestly don't think you do know -because if you did you would know how hurtful it is to have people tell you to buck up, other people have reasons for making you feel bad.

I think people deal with stress in different ways.

 

I have a friend at work.  He and his wife have a specially challenged child.  When the wife calls stressed out, he’ll leave work and tend to her.  They are always his first priority.  He’ll even leave work, get her a Starbuck’s coffee and take it to her at home, then come back to work.  I told him today he’s such a good husband.

 

I have another friend who has a chronic illness.  When her condition acts up, her husband deals with it by ignoring the situation.  She always feels like he’s mad.  He’s not; he just doesn’t know how to deal with it.  I’m not saying I think it’s o.k. that he deals by ignoring, but that’s just him.

 

We are all different.

I complained about this type of behavior to an old rheumatologist years ago while the dh was in the room. the rheumy told me he was mad at the disease not at me. so however, you want to look at it. i hope that makes sense to you because when the doc told me that somehow it didn't make me feel any better but maybe it helps to know it isn't you. it's the disease they are mad at. for some reason they know how to show anger really well, almost too well.:)

hang in there and hope things get better.WW I wasn't implying for you to buck up at all.  All I was saying was that your husband loves you and he probably gets mad that he can not help you.  My husband says that is really hard for him.  I never was meaning that as an excuse for him to be mad at you because it is not.  I was just trying to think of a cause of his anger.  Hope that things are better today! reegie2008-12-12 16:20:03I am probably just babbling from the prednisone but let me try to shed more light on this situation. just like people express stress differently people also offer help differently.

I am going to talk about my dysfunctional family a bit. I offer help by protecting the person seeking the help. that is my nature the protector. you have the balance of justice, and the polyannas, and the ostraches who speak no evil, see no evil, you get the picture. but anyway I am the proctector so most of what I say will be in defense of the person who comes to the board.  I am wired that way as most of you are wired the way you respond. my sister a year younger than i am was always in trouble, always.  she had a big mouth and would talk about people's mommas, as kids did back then. but she was very small. she is only 4'9" 25 years later. she would come home telling me how she was beat up.  so her being my sister, i would march up to her school and fight the person who hit her. not once ever thinking of how they felt or whatever. just only i needed to protect my sister and send a message to others to back off even if she is small.  i did the same thing at home when the brothers attack her or any adult would yell at her whatever. i would then yell at them and ask them how does that feel to you if someone said that. or if the brothers hit her I would hit them. every time I defended her in the end she sided with her attackers. i never learned my lesson just kept right on defending her.  same with strangers. if i saw a bully on the playground i would fight the bully regardless of sex or size to defend a group of girls i didn't even know. none of the girls would help me defend them. but that is my nature to protect. i think we all have our way of helping and should respect each other.

so to the original poster, if you need me to come over there and give him a few words let me know.  i am afraid my crooked, arthritic fingers will not let me do much else but talk to him. but other than that just know we are all here right with you even if we don't all express our support to you in the same way.  hang in there and hope what my doc said helps you to put things into perspective. (((hugs))).

Reegie- your last post to WW was such a nice thing to do. And I'm sorry- I may have talked out of turn-speaking for WW. It's just that this subject hits very close to home for me. So like Shelly just spoke about I turned into a protector. I spoke about how I know I have felt-

WTB, it was never my intention to offend or hurt anyone's feelings.  I know it is hard when a situation hits close to home, please next time will you let me know that.  I felt awful all afternoon that I may have hurt someone and that is not why I am here.  I hope you had a good day as well!!

See...this is a subject I usually avoid.  We all have stupid fights with our spouses, but I find this type of behavior inexcusable.  Unfortunately it all comes back to the person you chose to marry in the first place.  I have no time for a person who time and again won't "man up" when a family member needs them.  We're not talking an occasional lapse. TheLa2008-12-12 18:42:42Thanks for understanding La.  Everyone can't be in your front row.

Life is a theatre- invite your audience carefully.

Not everyone is spiritually healthy and mature enough
to have a front row in our lives. There are some
people in our lives who need to be loved at a
distance. It's amazing what you can accomplish when
you let go of or at least minimize your time with
draining negative, incompatible, not going anywhere
relationships and friendships.

Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention
to : which ones lift and which ones lean. Which ones
encourage and which ones discourage. And which ones
are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are
going downhill.

When you leave certain people, do you feel better or
worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really
understand you? When people bring drama into your
life, they don't deserve a place in your life.   

Which ones know and appreciate you and the gift that
lies within you? When someone has wronged you and
cannot openly and honestly acknowledge what they have
done with a sincere apology to you, they do not
deserve to be in the front row of your life.

Only allow those who bring respect, love, peace, and
honesty into your life. When you seek growth, peace
of mind, love and truth, the easier it will be for you
to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who
should be moved to the balcony of your life.

You cannot change the people around you... But you can
change the people you are around. Choose wisely the
people who sit in the front row of your life.





Maybe your spouses have put you in the balcony. You all know, this applies to all of you. Think about the words. thank you for all your wonderful advice.  no one hurt my feelings here.   it is hard to hurt and it is hard to watch someone you love hurt and cannot fix it.   we have been married 28 years and i developed RA just after 7 years when my son was born.   we have been through alot.  often i think how much better off he would be and the family without the expense of me and i know he feels the same.   i cost SO MUCH!    but financially it is out of the question.  i cannot support myself at all.  i have actually thought of killing myself to stop the cost.    i would give him his freedom otherwise.    tomorrow company comes over for a basketball game.  pray i continue to feel well and we have fun.   and not get too loud because me husband works night.   he will be asleep.   we may go to dinner afterward?  i do not know yet.   sunday plans are church and lunch out with husband and company.  pray i continue to feel better and can make it through everything.  my company leaves on monday.   and my husband shows his good side this weekend.   i have bought NOt a single christmas present.  i think i will just give money.  i have no little ones.   i hope this is o'k?   but i am not shopping.  germs are everywhere right now.  my whole town is sick.   sometime i need to rest and not make others sick.  wonderwoman

those are very wise words Lorster. i totally agree. even so it can be easier said than done to place a front row seat holder to the balcony without a solid plan for your safety and welfare. not impossible however.

WW, one thing for sure it is obvious dh means a lot to you. only the ones we care so deeply for can bring about such emotion.  just remember stress equals pain with ra. and to practice de-stressing by placing you and your health first.  PT (physical therapy) gave me some literature about that, basically things we already know about taking care of ourselves and our pain. I have to type in spurts.

 

yes healthcare is costly but it isn't like you went and picked up a package of RA and autoimmune disease at the local market. so why blame yourself for being sick.  just rest like you said.  I can understand just finding a quiet place and being still so you can replenish your energy.

 

do what makes YOU happy this year.  give them the money cards, why not?  if it will make things easier for you do it.  do the extra things next time. don't worry. things may actually turn out okay.

 

I am hoping the company will pitch in and offer help. if they do please allow them to take care of you some. if they don't then you take care of you.  talk with friends as often as you need to get through this holiday season and all that comes with it.   May you be blessed with health, wealth, peace, and courage to get through this leg of your journey called life.  hang in there. take care.

 

thank you all for loving me!!!!    and fighting over me!!!!   i have never felt so special.   i love you all.   and i am glad i have friends i can share my life with.  i just wish we could sit down and have a cup of coffee together soon.   I MADE IT THROUGH ANOTHER DAY!!!!    one more to go and monday morning that is it.   pray for me.  the shingles is better not gone yet but better  but everyone has head colds and vomiting virus and you guessed it no one is stopping.   i am washing everything every chance i get.   they are laughing at me.   i do not care.  i can not afford to get any sicker.  love all of you so much.    i have seen my husband sick once really bad scared me to death.  i actually prayed for the Lord to take it away and give it to me it was so frightning   he had a kidney stone.     and i was scared and worried about everything.   he is a good man in a hard place.    keep being there for me.  maybe some of you have skype and we can actually talk with our coffee.   wonderwoman
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