OT my mom | Arthritis Information

 

my mom hates me.  my dad died a year ago last september.  he was the buffer.   my mom has always hated me this is not new.  how do i handle it?   she wants to talk everyday to me and see me but she is killing me emotionally.   HELP!   she has hated me since birth.  i was suppose to be a boy for starters......   i can go on.      i need advice.   wonderwoman     p.s. my mom makes my RA worse too.    my husband can tell when i have spoken to her by my depression.WW - my mother and I have also not gotten along since birth (that's what everyone in the family tells me).  I still live in the same town as I grew up in, and she's about 5 minutes away.  For years she would constantly harass me, and it got even worse when we had kids.  There has been so much nasty BS coming from her that I finally put my foot down and we simply don't see her any more.  It's been such a relief not to have to deal with all that drama.  It's difficult trying to explain it to the kids - we don't want to tell them that Grandma is a loony b!tch, but on the other hand they've seen her in action too and it hurts their feelings to see Grandma telling mommy and daddy how stupid they are, and how they don't know how to raise children, and how the kids are brats. 

We haven't seen her in 10 months; I don't know yet if we will see her around Christmas or not.  Last year we invited her to the kids' Christmas pageant at school (the same church mom grew up in, and the same school she went to) and she bitched the entire time about all the "filthy spics" that have taken over "her" church (that she never goes to).  Unreal.  Simply unreal.  Luckily the boys didn't hear that comment from her...

You are both great ladies............ I am so sorry you suffer like this w/ a m om who dislikes you..   I am missing my mom this time of year....  and every day.

Hi Wonderwoman, is it possible to ask your Mum in a roundabout fashion, maybe by a card or letter, why she feels like she does.  Maybe by prompting her to think about it, you will bring her to her senses, I truly believe that when they get older, sometimes they don't even realise they are doing it.  Also, sometimes parents do it cos they know they can get away with it.  You need to put your foot down, sort out the problem or don't see her, especially if she is affecting your health.  Best of luck, Janie.Wow I am so sorry to hear you both have and are going thorugh this.  Hang in there.  I am sorry I have no other advice.  It's horrible to see or hear of parents not getting along of loving their children. [QUOTE=shykymom]Wow I am so sorry to hear you both have and are going thorugh this.  Hang in there.  I am sorry I have no other advice.  It's horrible to see or hear of parents not getting along of loving their children.[/QUOTE]

It used to cause my siblings and me alot of heartache - but we've all moved on. She's been cruel to all of us, and at some point or another we've all reached the point of saying "ENOUGH!" I feel sorry for my mother, as she's missing out on seeing some wonderful grandchildren and great-grandchildren grow up. She's quite lonely, and she's in total denial as to why.  All of us have tried talking with her at one point or another and all we get is a barrage of insults and threats (she's threatened to sue for grandparents' visitation, among other things).  I hope to God I never become like her.  I catch myself hollering at the boys sometimes and I cringe, for I sound just like her.  Hopefully I've learned from her mistakes and will do a better job.
i want to be a better mom too!   i love being a mom.   last night my mom told me i was not allowed to buy any christmas presents for my family or even my children because we have debt.   she heard this from suzy orman.    and she was just nuts about us not spending so i told her well we would not be over christmas eve then because that would cause us extra debt with food and presents.   i do not plan on answering her calls today.   i also live the closest to her and she thinks i should visit daily.  it takes me days to get over the crap she dishes out to me and my almost grown kids (my kids do not go anymore unless absolutely have to) and basicly she ignores my husband unless something is broken and then we are her servants.   all her other children are too important and too busy to help but she considers us 2nd class citizens.    actually i am not sure she ever considers us if you know what i mean.   w.w.Wonderwoman, perhaps you and I are sisters!  It sounds like we have the same mother.  I listened to my mother cry poormouth (meanwhile she seemed to have money to go out and party every night...) and whine about her lack of a computer, so I bought her one and set it up. Well, it took her about a day to mess up the settings.  Instead of calling Gateway, she called me and told me to get my "f&*^ing @ss over here and fix this piece of s&*t."  I am also the closest one to mom; everyone else wised up and fled the state. yeah then it is your fault or your husband's fault and she tells all her other kids how you broke her whatever.   no my mom does not party.  does not eat.  does not spend a dime because she is SO POOR, which is totally not true.   she has more money than she knows what to do with but she won't give you a dime.  she told me if we lose our house because of the economy TOO BAD live under a bridge and you know her mom was nothing like this at all she was the most loving christian i ever met (my grandmother).   when my daughter went to be a missionary she sent out a letter asking for a .00 a month pledge neither set of grandparents sponsored her, that just set everything we already knew about them in concrete.   none of us want to be around them anymore.   they are well off.   and my daughter would have done anything for her grandparents but you know that put a bitter taste in her mouth too.  now she just wants to stay away.  how sad for them!my mom uses guilt never cussing totally the lady but always miserable no matter what and poor daddy could never make her happy no matter how much he made because to her she was always poor.  what is up with that?   does she not know that people do not have millions sitting in the bank?   Wow- I'm so sorry. I have absolutely no advice as I was blessed with two of the most loving parents that ever walked the earth.  My dad passed 7 years ago today....I miss him terribly. [QUOTE=wanttobeRAfree]Wow- I'm so sorry. I have absolutely no advice as I was blessed with two of the most loving parents that ever walked the earth.  My dad passed 7 years ago today....I miss him terribly. JR- I agree. if your mom would make the remark you mention in relation to having family counseling then you have done all that you can do.  I'm glad the counseling you received allowed you the comfort of doing what you had to do without guilt. Some people just can't get past that and suffer on and on. [QUOTE=wanttobeRAfree]JR- I agree. if your mom would make the remark you mention in relation to having family counseling then you have done all that you can do.  I'm glad the counseling you received allowed you the comfort of doing what you had to do without guilt. Some people just can't get past that and suffer on and on.[/QUOTE]

Unfortunately it seems to have taken a great toll on my brother - other than a few brief bouts of sobriety (including his current sober streak of a little over a year now) he's been drunk since he was in junior high school, and he's got the end-stage liver failure to prove it.You must accept your family and friends for who they are and love them unconditionally. You do not and should not put up with abuse of any kind. It is surprising how many of us grew up with dysfunctional families. I'm glad I'm close with my mom. Some day I won't have here with me on earth and I want to make the most of our time together and I don't want any regrets.


lorster2008-12-15 20:50:07 [QUOTE=lorster]You must accept your family and friends for who they are and love them unconditionally.  [/QUOTE]

After spending some few moments reading through the last week's postings on the BB I am quite sure that I am setting myself up for a bashing, however my experience-some 60+ years of life in the "real" world-has been quite different. In my experience, and thus in my opinion, unconditional love is a myth. That is because the human is naturally self-biased and the human emotions are so constructed that one can fool his/herself into thinking that s/he is loving unconditionally, when in fact she has all kinds of conditions.

 Paul Brownback, in his book "The Danger of Self-Love", has this to say: ". . . by unconditional love we are speaking of love on the basis of being rather than doing. One implication of this teaching is the place of grandeur that it gives to the human being. I am lovable just because I am human; therefore being human, in and of itself, regardless of what I do with my humanness, must have some sort of independent value or worth. It is by itself a sufficient claim to respect and esteem."

Thus, according to these self-theories, everyone is born with the right to receive unconditional love and unconditional acceptance throughout his entire life, no matter what! It sure sounds good, but it has been my experience that it IS what I DO that creates love and acceptance of me. It does matter.

Edited to correct formatting

aguaeon2008-12-15 12:25:46Jas and Wonderwoman...... babs102008-12-16 12:21:10 [QUOTE=babs10] the last week's postings on the BB  = aguaeon.  what does that mean? [/QUOTE]

Just what it says: I read a week's worth of posting here, on this BB, arthritisinsight.com, and could not help but be aware that if there was a contrary "opinion" posted another poster was certain to take offense. It it not an uncommon phenomenon: it is OK for regular members to post their personal opinions, but it is less-than-OK for others to post their opinions.

If in doubt, simply read the postings make within the last week, or the last few days... ... ...


Hmmph.... my momma is not brash she uses guilt and pitifulness to get want she wants.   i too have had consueling mainly the result was to distance myself as much as possible.   example of the love     as a child i was left in a restroom on a trip at about age 5, my mom saved that dress for 45 years and gave it to me for my birthday this year.  they left me in tarre haute, indiana and drove all the way to evansville before they noticed i was missing.  momma thought that dress would make me happy for my birhtday.....?....   i have NO happy memmories of being left at a holiday inn for hours.   would you?   oh she didn't save other things from my childhood just this dress.     just an example of the love wonderwoman2008-12-17 08:20:59 [QUOTE=inflamedOnline]Hmmph....[/QUOTE]

Heartburn, eh? Or do you have a problem with me or with what I said?
[QUOTE=wonderwoman]my momma is not brash she uses guilt and pitifulness to get want she wants.   i too have had consueling mainly the result was to distance myself as much as possible.   example of the love     as a child i was left in a restroom on a trip at about age 5, my mom saved that dress for 45 years and gave it to me for my birthday this year.  they left me in tarre haute, indiana and drove all the way to evansville before they noticed i was missing.  momma thought that dress would make me happy for my birhtday.....?....   i have NO happy memmories of being left at a holiday inn for hours.   would you?   oh she didn't save other things from my childhood just this dress.     just an example of the love [/QUOTE]

OMG that's twisted.  I definitely think your mom and my mom are twins separated at birth - she's done equally hurtful and twisted things... some of them make me cringe even now.
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