Not coping | Arthritis Information

 

I'm sorry to bother you all with my misery guts... But this was the only place that I thought that I could come to **vent**....

 

It's been 4 months since my Dad passed away and the days aren't getting any easier.

 

Christmas is coming - yay!! NOT!!!!!.... And I'm ashamed to say that I am disgustingly jealous of all of the happy people that I see around.

 

Truth be told, I really don't feel that I can even talk to my best friend about the way that I am feeling. She just DOESNT get it. Nor do I ever expect or wish her to. But I am sick to death of her (good natured) attempts at distracting me rather than hearing me out and empathising with the way that I am feeling, or even just letting me cry instead of trying to make me stop crying when I just want to let it all out.

 

I have tried and am trying so very very hard to be strong. Instead of being strong I have really just bottled all of my emotion and continued on with my life. The one thing that I have noticed is an absolutely soul destroying anger that is getting worse and worse by the day. I am not angry at anything in particular, it just seems to be the norm for my mood as of late. .....I can just feel it simmering below the surface- ready to explode. And I am so scared that when it does explode it's not going to be nice for anyone.

 

Even worse than my anger is when I am not feeling angry I am just... Empty. Numb.

 

I can't talk about it with mum- we just end up arguing- as both of our nerves are frayed. Infact, there's not a single member of my family that I feel that I can go to. And the one that I could- just fkg died!!!!!

 

Sorry, I'm rambling and not making much sense.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

I know the Christmas after a death can be difficult. I have had that experience myself.  There is a company that has pamphlets on dealing with situation such as this

For what ever selfish reason, you are hanging on to those feelings. Four months is enough mourning time. Dad's gone. Now accept it and live with it. It is okay to miss a loved one but not okay to allow it to not only destroy your happiness and your life but to negatively affect those that are close to you and love you. If Dad were here to see how you are acting, he might even put you over his lap and give you a well deserved spanking. And yes, I can talk like this because I have lost my dad also whom I love and miss. Quit thinking of only yourself. Altho dad isn't here to discuss this problem with, I'm sure you know what his good advise would be and now it's time to act on what you know dad's good advise would be.

LEV

Ahhhh- I remember feeling a lot like you are feeling. Thank you wanttobe. It's comforting knowing that depite the insensitive comment that was left above, that the way I am feeling is not unusual. It's not that I don't want to move on, I just have a huge hole in my heart at the moment and nothing is the same. I was so so close to Dad. I am keeping on keeping on with one foot in front of the other- just as you have said. And I am hoping that this feeling does not last forever, which I know that it won't. Thankyou SnowOwl.  And I'm so sorry to hear that both of you have gone through the same thing. RA Hater. What you are going through is very normal. It has only been 4 months. It is ok to vent and cry and be angry and sad and depressed. Unfortunately, the only way to get over this is time. The more time goes on, the better it will seem to you. It is important for you to know that your dad would want you to be celebrating his life rather than being so sad. Try to look back and remember some of the good times you had while he was alive. And try to laugh as you remember them. I lost my dad when I was 16. He was 41. I didn't get a chance to know him as an adult but I remember feeling very robbed. It is ok to think of yourself at this time but you must start realizing that your dad would want you to move on and live your life. He really would want that. Life is too short to not enjoy it. Try doing something traditional that maybe your dad and you did during the holidays. Celebrate his life, not his death. Come here often and post and vent away. And ignore the posters that make you feel more miserable about your situation. They are not you and could not possibly know about your relationship with your dad and how much you miss him. First I just want to give you a big hug.  I am so sorry for your loss.  My heart really goes out to you.  It sounds like you and Dad had a close bond.

I think the friend wants to help but people are just uncomfortable with watching others go through pain. and our listening skills are the worst.  Even I have to practice listening and I consider myself a compassionate person. and sometimes all you need is to get some of your emotions out there and you can process them on your own.  What helped me is to keep a journal. write down your emotions good or bad.

Also, I think our loved ones are afraid for us that we may harm ourselves or get stuck in a grieving state. but it is different for everyone and it takes as long as it takes.  don't anyone tell you different.  some people will need professional counseling if they find themselves getting stuck but I am copying a guideline to go by.  I guess just keep an eye on your emotions, try not to get stuck and seek help if you do.  It is never easy losing someone you love, especially so close to the holidays.

 

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

 

 

"Here is the grief model called "The 7 Stages of Grief":
 

7 Stages of Grief...

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

7 Stages of Grief...

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

7 stages of grief...

You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living. ...."
 

Anger is a part of grieving, it has only been  4 months and your fathers death is still fresh.  we all deal with death differently.  there is nothing wrong with grieving, but I can tell you it will get better, I lost my father in 1977 and my mother in 1996, and somedays it is like it was just yesterday.  Just remember the Lord will not put more on you than you can bear.  there are books out there that you can read to help you understand this period you are going through.  Hospice provided them when my mother passed.  Your Bible is your best comfort just give it a try.  When you get a chance read John 14. Hi Lorster and Shelly, I'm only 20. I feel robbed. And thankyou, I really do want to get to a stage where instead of crying every time I think about him, that I can smile and laugh.

You are so very welcome.  I wish there was more I could say to take the broken heartedness away. but like the others said it is a process and it isn't linear but comes and go and can have so many triggers to bring the pain back fresh like it happened yesterday. it has only been a short time so the heartbreak is still raw.  just be patient with yourself.   You are very young, he must have been too.   but I am so happy you got to have your beloved dad in your life even if for just 20 years.   in time his memory will be such a happy moment in your life.  One thing for sure about life is change is constant.  We are constantly adjusting.  I won't even say how long it took me to stop crying for my grandpa.  I had him for just 18 years but I thank God for those 18 years, the first leg of my life is how I now look at it.  It gave me the courage I needed to carry me through rest of my life.  He was the one person who made me feel loved unconditionally.  He would always say "love everybody and treat everybody right." those words stayed with me, a very gentle man.  I learned a lot of life's lessons from him in those 18 years. but again I had to go through a process before I could see things from a positive perspective.  God bless you with the strength, courage and with loving supportive family and friends all around you to get you through this.

I just thought of something that helped me. My dad was a good man. He was always doing things for other people selflessly. I try and imitate how he lived and in doing so I feel like he lives on. Keep on fishing and doing the things you loved to do together. Tell him- this fish is for you daddy!RA Hater, Don't  rush things.  Your feelings are your feelings.  Take the time to mourn however you need to.  4 months is not too long--believe me.  I went through something similar when my mother died. We were very close and it was a shock--happened suddenly.  I think it took close to about 1 year.  If you don't feel like celebrating Christmas--don't.  It is ok.  I thin what you are experiencing is normal.  THIS IS REALLY FREAKY!
My son's visiting cat knocked over a bunch of files under the next in my husband's business office. He was furious and left them there for me to clean up.  As I was gathering things up I found a plastic pouch. Inside of it was a little note book/diary I had kept when I went to be with my father when he was dying and right after his death. I don't know how it got in there. I don't remember ever putting it in the pouch. I used to keep it in my purse at all times. I had forgotten about it really.  Isn't it strange that seven years to the exact date of his death it would surface in such a way?
I think daddy is saying Hello!
There's really no wrong way to grieve, unless it is stifling your emotions. I think most people grieve intensely for at least a year, because that is one of everything---one birthday, one Christmas, and so on. But for a lot of people it is longer and some people shprter and that's okay, too.

You sound like you really would benefit from some counselling. I don't know what your healthcare situation is, but I know there's free counseling at the arthritis centre where I go. My Mom died 3 years ago of cancer and I saw also a great counsellor at the cancer centre who really helped me. You could ask your doctor if there's any such program available for you.

I found at first all I remembered was my Mother's death, but as time went by I started remembering her life more often. One thing BF and I do on our parent's birthdays (we are both orphans, now) is cook a meal the way that parent would like it and set up their picture on the dining table, as a way of honouring their memory.

Losing a parent is one of the hardest things to go through, but very common (although you are very young to have to go through it). There's centuries of collected wisdom around the emotions of it. I hope you're able to tap into resources that will benefit you.

RA Hater,

 

Just wanted to send you warm wishes for gentleness and peace.

 

Seeing your post reminded me of some things that have helped me over the years.  I lost my brother just on four years ago and that first Christmas without him was an extremely painful time for me added to by the fact that I had to pack up his estate and sort through his belongings and think about what he would have wanted to do with them.  He was only 42 and we were very close and like minded.  We could talk about anything and everything.  I think in some ways the having to sort through things was painful but helped.  I was angry too because if he had taken better care of his health he would still be here.  I eventually sat down and wrote him a letter telling him how I felt and how much I missed him.  We had a special meal of his favourite foods and had a special candle burning.  As part of the remembering I burnt the letter during that meal.  It helped quite a bit.  On his first anniversary we (and several of his friends around the world) planted a rose in his memory.  They were different roses but all contained his first name.  Interestingly the roses have all bloomed on his birthday every year since (his birthday was about a month before he died).  If I hear one particular song we played at his service playing on the radio the tears flow unbidden because it just reminds me of him.  I don’t know what services you have in your area, but here in Australia our Community Health Centres sometimes have Bereavement Counsellors and I found that it was extremely helpful to go along for a couple of sessions to talk and to realise that what I was feeling was normal and that moving to a place of comfort and peace was not something that happened overnight but was a gradual process.  There is still a sense of loss, of absence, of annoyance that he didn’t look after himself, but at the same time, a sense of thankfulness that we were able to share the friendship we had for as long as we had.  I am still aware of him as part of my life.  We always have his favourite meal on his birthday and celebrate that.

 

My father died of cancer way too young about 22 years ago now and I also still have a sense of him being part of my life (and I just know that he is involved somehow in some of the events of the past 22 years!!)

 

Those we have loved are never very far from us – they are part of who we are, they have helped shape who we are and they help shape who we become.  Take all the time you need to grieve – the cycles of loss and bereavement blur at the edges and melt into one.  Remember the things that are important for you about your dad and celebrate them.  Talk about him, cry about him, cry for the loss to you, for your pain, for your anger, for your disappointment.  Make new memories, cement the memories you have.  Go and visit and sit a while in a special spot you shared and talk with him.  Listen to your heart and let it guide you to a place of comfort and peace.

 

Come and talk with us anytime – you are always welcome and you will always be listened to.  Warm thoughts are winging their way to you.  greenfrog

i am so sorry.   take it slow.  one day at a time and there is no rule you have TO DO christmas.    i too lost my daddy, last christmas was our first without him.   he had died in september.  no one mentioned him at all at christmas (my family is weird) no one sat in his chair and several men in the family could not make christmas eve which did not help the situation.    by the time i got home i was a basket case - tears, screaming everything.  only do what you feel like.  it takes time and we are all different and we all greive differently.  wonderwomanIt will be two years in Jan since I lost my mother and I'm still in hell emotionally trying to deal with it.  It was just so sudden.  She went to work, came home and said she wasn't feeling to well, laid down on the couch, had a heart attack and died.   The holidays haven't been the same.  Mom always loved to christmas shop and I liked to go with her to walk around and carry things for her.  I was the only child so that didn't make things any easier on me not having any other support.  I am so sorry for your pain.  I really have no advice, just another story.  My father in law passed away July 31, 2008.  My husband is 33 years old and is not doing well.  His dad was his best friend.  He died from an aortic aneurysm, so very sudden.  If you ever need to just talk please pm me.I too feel your pain. I lost my dad Aug. 8, 2002. I still remember the date and his last breath. My dad raised me and my four sisters while my mom was out partying all the time. As I grew up he was my best friend, babysitter, cook , advice giver. I want to tell you, your father is always with you. As time goes by you will notice different things or ways that your dad is telling you he's ok. Like pennies from heaven. We get pennies dropping all the time from no where, or butterflies, or you might smell his cologne. He's with you in spirit and love. I know how bad it is at first but things will get better. Think of  how your dad would want you to live. Keep making him proud because I truly believe that he is with you. Watching over you. [QUOTE=SnowOwl][QUOTE=CinDee]Like pennies from heaven. We get pennies dropping all the time from no where, or butterflies, or you might smell his cologne.[/QUOTE] [/QUOTE] Ally sweetie.....you have had some wonderful, knowing comments from all the posts above. I agree with them all. The saddest thing is that your Dad was still a relatively young man and had only had RA for such a short time, but a very severe case it was. And, you have lost not only a father, but a real close mate ( and I mean that in the Aussie/Kiwi way).