Laugh of the day | Arthritis Information

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How about a new thread.  Here is a great laugh
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0LPUI0lfVw
Woman's Ass-size Study

There is a new study about women and how
they feel about their asses...

The results were pretty interesting;

30% of women think their ass is too fat..
10% of women think their ass is too skinny..


The remaining 60% say they don't care,
they love him, he's a good man,
and they wouldn't trade him for the world. After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.  I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, I'd be back later.  The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.  So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.  She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.  When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.  She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
waddie2009-01-14 13:25:56

I found this helpful little note stuck on my refrigerator last week:

Sincerely,

The Dog HaHaHa!  Good one Jasmine! all these were too funny!  w.w.

 Norwegian  Diet 

         Ole  and Sven had really 'packed on the pounds' by overeating during  Christmas and the New Year's Holidays, so their doctor put them  on the same diet. 

        'I want you to eat regularly for 2  days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I  see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.' 

        When the Norwegians  returned, they shocked their doctor by having lost nearly 25 POUNDS  each.  'Why, that's positively  amazing!' the doctor said. 'Did you follow my instructions?'

        Then Ole and Sven nodded and  said. . . . 'We vant to tell you  though, we taut we was gonna drop dead dat 3rd day.' 

         'From hunger, you  mean?'

         'No, yust from all dat  skippin'!


A laugh for today...Baked Beans - This is hilarious!

(This one is much too cute not to share. Enjoy! Be sure to grab a tissue; I think you'll be laughing so hard you'll
cry!)

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released ALL the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: 'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight!'
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage!!!

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in th e other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'

I fainted ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

 

A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he  went
to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
 
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede with 100
feet which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.  So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We'll have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.  This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to churchwith me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there!  Would you like to go to  church with me and learn about the Lord?"

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time!  I'm putting on my shoes."
 
Three Southern Boys


Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together. Cooter arrived
first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,

Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll
him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said,
'Nope,ain't Bubba. The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm. 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over. The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.' 'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician. 'Yup, we never seen em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'



Housework

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, "Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex".
The night went very well. 
The next day, she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening."
"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.
"Oh, that ... Ralph was too tired.." Ole & Lena, a truly devoted couple----
Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew, and, soon people from all over the country were coming to him in Minnesota for paintings and formal portraits.

One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo, while Ole was mowing the lawn.   She asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude.  This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay him ,000. Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena , his missus.

In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."




HOLY HUMOR

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, 'I know what the Bible means!'
His father smiled and replied, 'What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, 'I do know!'
'Okay,' said his father. 'What does the Bible mean?'
'That's easy, Daddy...' the young boy replied excitedly,' It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'  


=======

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
'Is there anything breakable in here?' asked the postal clerk.
'Only the Ten Commandments.' answered the lady.

========

'Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.There are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good  morning, Lord,' and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good Lord, it's morning.'

 ========

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: 'I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.'
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note 'I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.'

========

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: 'I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.'

========

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... 'Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.'

 ========

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, 'Boys and girls, what do we know about God?'
A hand shot up in the air. 'He is an artist!' said the kindergarten boy.
'Really? How do you know?' the teacher asked.
'You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... '

========

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
'Reverend,' said the young man, 'I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.'
The minister chuckled, 'I know what you mean. It's the same in my business.'

========

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

 ========

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, 'Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt.'
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said 'Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.'

========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
'Here's a copy of the service,' he said impatiently. 'But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.'
During the service, the minister paused and said, 'Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need ,000 more. Any of you who can pledge 0 or more, please stand up.'
At that moment, the substitute organist played 'The Star Spangled Banner.'
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

watchingwolf2009-01-15 12:36:38 Oh, and Blue... I think he must have lived next door to me!!! I liked the jokes! had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
 
  
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't  been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon  bucket to bring back some fruit.  As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.  As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in  his pond.
 
  
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
 
  
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim  naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
 
 Moral: Old men can still think fast.                                                        Men and Women If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in , even though it's only for .50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY:
A man will pay for a item he needs.

A woman will pay for a item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS:
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
Any married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

AND FINALLY.....:
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
watchingwolf2009-01-16 13:55:05I especially like number nine!

It is good to be a woman:

1. We got off the Titanic first. 
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.  10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.    13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't
      listening anyway.  HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
Bonus Question on an exam: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
 Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.  One student, however, wrote the following:

 First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.  Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

 This gives two possibilities:  1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.  2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,  extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

These are all so funny!!
I'm still laughing about the lady eating the beans on her birthday!!
                                                 
I like #5. (because it is SO true)
 
These are all funny, I enjoyed reading them. I will have to look up some one liners.
Maybe this will help ease the tensions...  Here, nothing is sacred.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=puMz1Q3E000

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