what would you do? | Arthritis Information

I work in a very small office. I was in remission for about a year and everyone thinks I got "better" Now I have flared and it's been a little over a month. Some days I wear handeze gloves or ace bandages because my wrists and hands are weak and ache. So this draws attention to me and makes me get those stupid comments people make. I know some are well meaning and clueless but it still makes for an uncomfortable conversation where I start to feel like I'm defending myself of my right (?) be ill. I have stated that I have been good for a long time but RA comes back and I may be like this for awhile or maybe always- I don't know. Still if they see my hands are not wrapped they say Oh are you all better now? Well actually I didn't have them wrapped because they hurt more to the touch that day unlike the days they felt weak and painful when I moved my thumb joints.... When I'm honest and say no- people are starting to be incredulous. A couple of them think I'm putting it on- I'm sure. They purposefully ask me if my hands are better and when I say no (and it stops there. I don't say man, my shoulders woke me up in the middle of the night and I had to go out in my recliner chair, blah , blah, blah...I save that stuff for you guys here who can relate and commiserate) they will ask in a condescending voice why my medicine has not started working again or tell me my hands are thin so maybe I'm swollen but they don't see it. First of all- I have plenty of pain with out swelling. I think I have heard 2 of them whispering about me.
Well today I snapped at someone. It wasn't one of the deceitful ones so I felt so bad after I snapped and I apologized. He exclaimed your hands are bare! They must be better! No they are not I said. Please- don't ask me anymore if I'm better I said. He got very offended and said I won't ever ask again! I said I'm really sorry- I didn't mean to sound that way but I may be like this for a long time or maybe forever and it's bothering me to have to answer that I'm not better. I've accepted I have to endure this and if I'm here at work it means I'm as well as I'm going to be. It's Ok not to ask how I am.
I know I didn't explain myself right. Does anyone here understand what I'm trying to say? I just want my privacy back. I feel like I'm on a timetable to get over my flare or something. I feel like I am disappointing everyone and for heaven's sake I am disappointed with how I am feeling compared to a few months ago.
I've searched high and low for some kind of concise statement to use to no avail. I've seen the You Don't Look Sick site and that spiel is just too long and it doesn't all apply....
Has this happened to anyone else and what did you do?
wantto.. you want your life and privacy back.. but you want understanding too. We all know what that means and feels like.

I've been out of work 6 of the last 8 due to complications of the Cold!! I want them to understand that this can be true. To believe me. But, I don't want to be questioned about it and my symptoms.

You know I really have no clue what to say........... I'm hopeful someone has something that may help us all with the response to compassionate queries and promote their understanding without serving whine with it..

Click HERE to read the spoon theory.

You might find something within the spoon theory that may help to explain your situation.
Email every one of them the link to the PDF file.
If they cannot take the time to read it then you do not have to explain to them every time.
If they have read it then you may continue to explain how it applies to you, but only do it once.

Always carry a spoon with you and leave it on the desk as a reminder.
Actually, unless you are unable to perform your job responsibilities you need not explain to anybody anything about you. Your employer would be the only person expecting an explanation.

Just because people ask doesn't mean you are obligated or need to answer them. It's quite easy to know which people are genuinely concerned about you and will speak to you with kindness.

As for the rest of them - Ignore Them. It doesn't matter what they think or what they think they know. If you allow yourself to be put in the position of defending yourself or let it bother you as to what they think of you they will continually harass you. Don't ever let anybody get the idea they are one iota better than you. It could be quite interesting to know what issues they are dealing with to be so uncaring and spiteful. Don't go there either.
Want, maybe something very brief, to the point, and unapologetic, like "Thanks for asking. The pain comes and goes, and you can't always tell from looking at the outside what it feels like on the inside."

I understand exactly what you mean about people asking you if you're better. They're showing concern, but it's bad for your mental health to keep saying "I'm not better, I'm not doing well today." It's like a self-fulfilling prophesy, where speaking negatives makes you FEEL negative. I suggest figuring out something to say that lets people know things aren't great, but with a positive tone to it.

"I'm hurting today, but with any luck tomorrow will be better."

What do you think?Oh, and the whisperers and the doubters should all go screw themselves. You're under no obligation to be the Ambassador for RA, and educate the world. You have enough on your plate dealing with your disease. Save your educational efforts for the ones you love and your good friends, and your boss if necessary.Thanks all! It's always nice to know others are feeling and experiencing the same things. I just popped on very quickly as I just got to work and needed your encouragement. I will come back later and read more thoroughly and pursue the suggestions!

You guys are the best!

Be a little mysterious...."I have an autoimmune disease that is quite complicated and unfortunately each day is different, but thanks for your concern". I have sometimes resorted to answering "Not bad" just to get away from the questioner.

Ann[QUOTE=watchingwolf]

Just because people ask doesn't mean you are obligated or need to answer them. It's quite easy to know which people are genuinely concerned about you and will speak to you with kindness.

As for the rest of them - Ignore Them.
[/QUOTE]

I agree with watchingwolf. It is stressful. I haven't been DX for long, but I have had symptoms for sometime. I tend to share with a few close friends and family ( very few) all the concerns and fears, others that I can tell are not genuine I just remain vague. I will say please try to not let it stress you any longer. You need to concern yourself with yourself and your health and the job at hand. Sending healing vibes your way.

Tink