I have recently left work and applied for disability because of RA. I have very active and agressive RA.MY meds have lost effectiveness and find the smallest tasks seem very difficult. My wife feels I am lazy and don't try hard enough and should do all housework and cooking and homeschooling of our child. I manage what I can with great effort but it isn't enough for her. I am 2 months into the disability process and had knee synovectomy 3 weeks ago. enbrel has become ineffective. I have allergic reactions to remicade and humira. Stress from RA, disability, and wife are tearing me apart any advice would be appreciated.
RA changes your life in ways that healthy people don't understand. Your wife will understand this illness better if you are honest about how you feel . She needs to understand what RA is and does to a person. Knowledge is a powerful thing. I am sure that she loves you very much !! She has to be SCARED ! Her life is changing and the future may not be what the two of you had planned . She has to worried about the future things like money,doctor bills meds, your children , your health , ect.. If she seems a little stressed ,you can understand. RA effects us physically with pain and problems but it effects the people that love us in ways we can't control. My husband tries very hard to make my daily life as easy as it can be. It took a while for him to understand RA and the problems that come with it. But LOVE is stronger RA . Hang in there and hang on to each other ,thing will get better and easier with knowledge and loveI am so sorry to hear that you are having a hard time right now. As you probably know, stress does not help the situation. Take a deep breath, sit down with your wife and tell her just exactly how you feel. I am sure that she is scared of what lies ahead for you. We wives tend to feel that our husbands are the rock. Perhaps she is having a little denial on her part. Just talk to her and keep talking to her.
My husband is better now than he use to be. He is more accepting of my disabilities and it has taken him some time to get to this point. Keep coming to this room and chat with other people. We are all in the same boat.
Lesle
RA affects everyone around the person who actually has the disease. It's a real shift in family dynanmics; a tremendous adjustment for all. In many ways, it's like going through a bereavement. Denial, anger, acceptance.....
The two messages preceding mine say it all. It's possible you might have been putting on a good front, that is, trying to appear normal and hiding your pain from her. Sitting down and describing to her exactly how it feels - don't hold back! - will go a long way toward helping her to understand. She deserves to know the truth about what you're experiencing. She also deserves to know how much you appreciate how this has affected her life. Keep it honest and open between the two of you.
Hang in there. It will get better.
Lee
Way to go Hutch. I hope things will get better for you. We are here for you.
Lesle
I think that when we get this we sort of morn ourold lifes and it is also a shock to the rest of the family too.My spouse was also a dip stick about it too I have been sick since may and just recieved my first disability check today I live in canada and usally you get denied the first time but I am very sick. Anyways I do not think our spouses relize how sick we are I have a cane I use sometimes and even have used a wheelchair and my husband still said stupid stuff. I also have a 6 yr old boy who misses his mommy who could play. But we are adjusting to our new life I know I will get better than this..............TERESA
Hutch327,
I am very glad you talked with your wife. These discussions can bring up hurtful things, but isn't it better to have them out in the open so you can deal with them than to walk on eggshells?
We're all here for you.
Lee
PS I think the ladies on the board will agree with me that we never get tired of hearing our spouses tell us how much we mean to them. [Hint.]
Right on with that one, Lee.I dont' know your financial sitiation, but flowers are nice too :)I think a lot of times we can feel guilty about our own inability to contribute and may be extra sensitive to people making comments about it too. Definitely keep the lines of communication open both ways so you can share info. Perhaps there are things you can do, especially to help with homeschooling, that won't make you hurt. Reading to your kids, helping with math homework, etc. If you have the opportunity to ask family or close friends once in a while to come and help clean up the house while your wife is out, to surprise her, I'm sure that would go over well too. There are efforts you can make that shouldn't hurt too much, and if she sees you making efforts to do what you can, she may be more understanding about what you can't do.Does she like baths? If she walks in the door at a certain time every night, scrounge up a few candles and put them in the bathroom and draw her a nice bath and tell her the next half hour is hers to unwind.
Lee
I am sorry to hear of the relationship stress you are experiencing but can identify. I guess it is common for spouses not to understand what an RA patient goes through. My husband of 13 years recently gave up and jumped ship because he couldn't stand being married to an old, sick, gimpy chick. He gave me a Christmas gift of a book about how all chronic illness is not real, just a conspiracy by pharmaceutical companies. Lovely. I hope your relationships stay intact, but wanted to share the best advice I got from one of my husband's friends. Take care of yourself first and do what YOU have to do to hold it together -- you have to come first or it all WILL fall apart. Hope this makes sense? Day by day...good luck.Good advice Boosie. I am amazed that there is a book out there that chronic disease is not real. Was it written by Rush Limbaugh
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