In honor of St. Patrick's Day coming up on Tuesday, I thought I'd start an Irish joke thread.
An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even
a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old
mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this
luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings
certificate for million."
"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the
sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked
outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)...
and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new
yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug."
A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and
conversin' with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits besides him. He
says how you do and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am. The
first man yells barkeep give us another round and one for my friend
here he's from the mother country as well. The second man asks-so where
in the old country ye from. Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say -
so am I and the second man hollers barkeep bring us another round and a
shot of your best Irish Whiskey for me and my friend here. Afterwards
the first man asks from where in Dublin and the second man responds
with the street and the first man says well I'll be - so am I and yells
barkeep another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the pair of us.
The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of
the pub asks - how is business. The barkeep responds - not too bad -
The O'Malley twins are here getting drunk again.
Murphy had been told that the streets of London were paved with gold. Newly arrived in that fair city he was ambling along enjoying the morning air when he passed a pub outside which last night's rubbish had been stored in plastic bags. One had been kicked open and all over the pavement were gold tops from beer bottles.
'Gold,' said Murphy. 'I've struck a vein!'
Hurriedly he gathered all he could stuff into his pockets and marched into the pub.
Till have a double whiskey,' he called to the barman, and placed a bottle top on the counter.
'This is tin,' sneered the barman.
'Thank God,' said Murphy. 'I thought it was only five - I'll have two double whiskies.'
Casey had done well at work, he'd been made acting foreman on the building site and given a big rise in pay. Naturally, he decided to share his good fortune with the folks back home in Ireland. He searched hard and long for the ideal present for mum and dad and settled on a beautiful gold-rimmed mirror for the hallway. He duly parcelled and posted it, little knowing the reaction it would arouse back home.
'Come here!' called Casey Senior, staring into the mirror. 'Mary, come and see how your son has aged since he went to that Protestant country.'
Mother leaned over father's shoulder, saw her own reflection and said:
'I'm not surprised! Look at the ugly old hag he's living with!'
Seamus had a major mishap on his first day of mountain climbing. He slipped from a highish peak and fell twenty feet, stopping himself only by grabbing hold of a very, very small clump of bushes. There he hung, every second expecting the bushes to snap and send him hurtling hundreds of feet to his death.
'Is there anyone up there? Is there anyone who can help me? Is there anyone at all?'
Suddenly the heavens boomed with the sound of a mighty voice:
'I am the Almighty. I am here to help you, Seamus. Trust me. Let go of the bush and let yourself drop and I will catch you in my arms and carry you safely to earth!'
Seamus pondered for a while, and then said, 'I appreciate the offer. But is there anyone else up there?'